Thankful Thursday

Today I got to thinking why I do "Thankful Thursdays".  For a good portion of my later teenage years on, I have made a conscious effort to see what there is to be thankful for.  Partly to see the good God has put around me, but mainly because I feel better when I'm seeing something to be thankful for.  The benefits are exponentially more when the exercise is most difficult to complete.

I went into work today for a couple of hours.  I was in a bad mood for multiple reasons by the time I walked into my department.  My department as a whole was in a crabby mood, for a couple specific reasons.  I could feel myself getting to be in a worse and worse mood.  However, when I was walking to treat a patient, I did my normal mental prep work.  This includes if I'm having a bad day and I'm crabby, to try to turn it off at least enough that my patient(s) won't see it.  I started listing things that I'm thankful for, the first one or two came slowly and were excessively difficult to think up.  I did come up with them.  Less than a minute or two later, I'm stepping off the elevator at my destination and I've decided that I really do feel better in general now at this point and I'm making much better decisions.  Among other things prior to this, I was thinking of all of the ways I could get at the person who I share a desk with because she wouldn't let my sunglasses sit on the desk because they were in the way (keeping in mind that she has so much stuff on our desk that generally I can't write at it because there is no surface to write on and too much of her personal junk sitting in our chair I have no where to sit including when she is not even there); I was now thinking that her behavior was annoying, but really doing something that would instigate an all out fight is probably not worth it over a pair of sunglasses...  So here is my list for this Thankful Thursday

1. The weather is finally cooler.  I'm not a huge fan of heat, my favorite weather involves wearing sweatshirts, and we are just entering into it.
2. The fall activities have officially started.  This past weekend we went to a pig roast and we went on a hayride and had a campfire while we were there.
3. Listening to Obsidian talk.  Pyrope was/is not much of a talker.  Obsidian is.  Since I'm not used to listening to a very small person's views of everything, it is even more amusing listening to them.
4. Lazy Sunday afternoons.  This past one I spent listening to Pyrope playing and laughing with my cousin (who is 13) while Obsidian was taking a nap on my uncle's chest.  It was a very laid back, quiet visit.
5. Seeing the leaves on the trees just starting to change color.  It gets back to I love the fall (but I love this enough that it is its own specific item).
6. My sister got me drinking a new type of tea.  I don't drink coffee but I love a good hot beverage in the fall, winter, and spring.  I hate having to put sugar in things, this tea I can drink without sugar.  It is almost like drinking a liquid cinnamon red hot candy heart.  Except there is no sugar involved, but it still tastes sweet.  It comes in caffeinated and caffeine free varieties.  I did find it comes in different flavors as well although right now I have no interest in expanding into a different flavor.  I love this tea.
7. I found where I can buy above tea locally to me (my other options were having my sister buy me some or buying it off of Amazon, both fine options but ones that require forethought when I'm running low).  I didn't even have to go to a lot of different stores to figure it out, a simple status change on Facebook, and I then found out where I could buy my tea.  Yum.

Wordless Wednesday

Breath taking

As a senior in college, I went on a canoeing trip for spring break.  It was on the Green River, in a fairly remote region.  It was a 6 day trip, and after the first day or so, if we needed help, either someone would have to go to our destination, we would have to paddle upriver, or would have to hike up river along the banks.  Knowing my dad and how he worried, particularly with my diabetes in mind, I neglected to tell him of my spring break trip.  I was well prepared, and carried supplies that my trip-mates could help me in a large number of situations.  I took all of the precautions I could, but I decided that it was a risk I wanted to take to go on the trip.  It was a great trip, I'm glad I did it.  My dad (and family in general) never found out about it until my husband was showing my dad pictures, and pulled out that album and to look at.  My dad shook his head, but didn't say much (my dad finding out about the trip is chronologically after he had cancer).

A little over 5 years after my canoeing trip, my dad was diagnosed with a pretty deadly form of cancer.  He made it through a surgery that bought him some extra time.  A consequence of the surgery was he was then diabetic and needed to take insulin.  What his goal was after the surgery was to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon again (he had done it once before, maybe a couple years earlier).  Before he was even allowed to drive after the surgery, he was having my sister drive him to the Y so he could walk on the treadmill and exercise so he could take the trip.  That winter he worked out all of the time with that goal in mind.  Early that spring, he was visiting Jet and I (we were living in a different state at the time), and I asked when he was going to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  His jaw dropped.  He asked me how I knew.  I was slightly confused.  He was leaving the next day for a routine "business trip" (this was the whole story everyone was getting, including my mom).  My dad then elaborated about the details of his business trip.  He was traveling for work, but before the work portion was to start, he was hiking down, spending the night at a camp at the bottom, then hiking back up to the top.  Apparently, many people had been telling him that he either couldn't or shouldn't try.  His oncology doctor and I were the only two people who supported him with this goal.  He asked his endocrinologist how to adjust his insulin for the hike.  She refused to give suggestions of how to do this because she didn't think he should do it.  So he simply made the decision to not tell anyone before the trip.  He was amazed I figured it out (I really didn't connect his business trip with the hike, but I was just asking how he was doing getting to his goal).  Less than a week later, I received a post card from him.  He sent it from the bottom of the canyon, and it started its trip being carried up by mule.  Others got cards as well.  Friendly ones to my mom and each of my siblings.  A thank you one to his oncologist for supporting him, both on his cancer journey and believing that he could do the hike.  And a postcard to his endo that simple read "Ha. Ha. I did it."  My dad was so happy about the trip, and proud of the fact that he hike down and back up 6 months after his surgery.  Jet was once again around when my dad was explaining the postcards he sent when my dad and I were talking about his trip.  Jet dully observed that the apple doesn't fall from the tree (mainly in regards to the "Ha. Ha." card).  3 months after his trip, my dad passed away from the cancer.

It is now 6 years later, and the immediate sharpness of losing my dad has faded, but occasionally things happen when I'm least expecting it that remind me of him.  Sometimes they take my breath away.

Last week, I was reading Post Secret.  The last post card was from an oncology nurse.  She sent in a post card from the Grand Canyon.  A patient of hers that had cancer and her promised each other that whoever got the the Grand Canyon first would send a post card.  The nurse made it there, but the patient had passed away, so she sent the post card to Post Secret.  It took my breath away for a second.  I was sad about missing my dad, and sad that this other person never got to see the Grand Canyon while walking this earth.  I also thought about the "Ha. Ha." to the one doctor and the "Thank you" to the other.  I thought about how deeply as health care professionals we can touch people, and how our patients can touch us.  I dug out my postcard.  I showed it to Obsidian.  He said "Big hole."  I told him that when he is older, we might go there (the closest I've been to the Grand Canyon is the confluence of the Green and Colorado Rivers).  The tree to apple grown into a tree, to the next apple have to connect somehow.

Tonight on Facebook, I saw that friend posted that her mom who had terminal cancer was released from the hospital and that tomorrow she and her two children were going to fly to see her.  2 hours later she posted again, her mom had passed away.  While my friend knew her mom had terminal cancer, she was hoping her mom would still be here in the spring when she is due with her 3rd child.  I missed my dad some more, and wished he could have met my kids.  My due date with Pyrope was exactly the 1 year anniversary of my dad passing away.  One of my dad's last lucid thoughts was that he didn't want the day he died to always be a day to be sad and mope.  I've tried to honor that, and when I found out my due date it took my breath away, but it seemed appropriate.  I've been thinking tonight, maybe I'll try to hike down there with the boys when they are older on the anniversary (I would have to look into what the weather conditions are generally like that time of year).  I've been thinking of the first days after my dad passed away and the sharpness, I would not have been able to take seeing the Post Secret card with the peace that I did in those early days.  I've been thinking about the breath taking moments my friend will have.  And I'm praying for God to carry my friend and her family closely right now.

Wall

I think I've hit a wall.  Hard.  I'm bone tired.  Things have been crazier than normal for a while, but I think things have also just built up to the point I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of not knowing what to do with Pyrope and his issues.  There is something not normal about his communication, and to a lesser degree his interactions with others.  However, I'm not sure how much his social problems being very mild are a case of them being very mild or me "being on my 'A' game" with teaching him social rules since he was tiny.  Since he started preschool and had his private speech evaluation, I've come to grips with the idea that at this point he will not be able to function in a typical classroom without support.  Particularly since meeting with the parent advocate, I've come to terms with the fact that there is very little hope that I will get the school system to give him any support.  I have never wanted to homeschool my children.  With that said, I don't see how I can safely send his to school so I'm beginning to make plans for homeschooling him next year.

Since we have 'officially' stopped looking for a reason Obsidian is so small and delayed gross motor wise, I'm just weary of the questions surrounding his size and delays.  He is who he is, and at this point the benefit of further investigation doesn't outweigh the risk and cost.  I'm just watching, seeing if anything else of concern appears, or if he starts to catch up.

I'm tired of the unorganization in my house.  This is mainly my own fault.  At this point I feel overwhelemed.  I am wishing for a day or more like a few days without anyone around so I can attack it.  I want to get rid of some of the baby stuff that I thought I would use, but then didn't for either boy.  If I didn't yet, I'm not going to, regardless if I have another baby or not.

I'm tired of the 3rd kid question.  Jet feels the subject is close, he just doesn't want it.  I keep coming back to it.  I wish I could move on, but I can't seem to.  I try to ignore it, not talk about it, try not to think about it.  But it always is there.  And always comes back.  I think that I will be finding some peace about "just" having my 2 children.  And I feel extremely blessed to have my two children, and know that many many others are not so lucky.  But that 3rd boy keeps coming to my head.  Each time that another one of my friends or co workers announce an "oops" baby, I'm getting to be more and more bitter.  I want that "oops" to happen to me (but it really wouldn't be an "oops" would it?).  Then I start to think how I would feel if I was infertile, and I feel even more terrible.  Why can't I be happy, or at least be at peace with the family I do have?

I'm tired of the constant battles with medical bills.  I just want to pay the portion I owe and the rest of it go off without a hitch.

I'm tired of coordinating schedules.  Pyrope's school, Jet's four 10 hour days, Obsidian's gymnastics and PT, Pyrope and Obsidian's swimming lessons, the parent and tot events I coordiate, my mom's ability to babysit, the coordination of Jet helping fix various people's cars, my working 2 different jobs in the time I'm not "needed" to do something else.  And then the constant change of who is doing what when, being driven by whom in which vehicle.

I'm just tired.  I want to go sit on a warm (but not too hot) beach.  Or get my house in order.  Or feel like my to do list is shrinking instead of growing.

Thankful Thursday

Despite, or maybe because, there has been so many things happening this week, I've been finding a lot to be thankful for.

1. Jet's willingness to help fix up mechanical things.  For anyone.  He is willing to put in a lot of time, and even more time teaching while he is doing it.
2. Our neighbors to the north.  They don't mind us, I think they might even like us.  There are many reasons that they could not like us.  The kids toys always straying into our yard.  Pyrope riding his bike into their rose bushes.  The constant cars being worked on parked in our driveway which is right next to their patio.  The noise from working on... things.  Jet leaving on his motorcycle at 6 am.  Periodially seeing Pyrope 'watering the grass'.  The list goes on and on.
3. My mom living close enough, being able, willing, and watching the boys when I need help.
4. Obsidian's smiles.  They make up for the stare downs we get into.
5. Despite many near misses, the fact that we have not had any really serious injuries.
6. The fact that although my one job is looking like it is drying up soon, other jobs are always presenting themselves.  It is just a matter of applying and going through the motions.
7. The internet.  It is incredible the amount of information (and misinformation) that is a few searches away.  20 years ago, the amount of time and research to get a fraction of the information was so great.

Wordless Wednesday

What now?

Pyrope has always been behind with speech.  He started cooing late, waving, saying words, combining words, exc.  It has been a concern of mine since before he was a year old.  I work with him on it all of the time, some more formal ways than others.  I've had him tested at various points to see if he qualifies for speech therapy.  Each time I get the same story, yes he has delays, but no he doesn't qualify because he is not delayed enough.  Bring him back again if it continues to be an issue.  It continues to be an issue, and getting to be a larger one.  Most recently, I took him to a private speech therapist (ST).  He was by far the most empathetic of all of the evaluators.  However, he works in the medical model, so it paid mainly by insurance.  Pyrope has some higher skills that pull up his standard scores a lot (not all the way to normal, but high enough that he does not qualify).  However, he still is missing some basic lower level skills, that is making it very difficult for him to function and gain higher skills.  Such as, if you ask him if someone is hungry what do you do?  He will answer you get a bowl, get a spoon, get cereal, get milk, and pour them in a bowl.  Then what do you do?  He can't tell you eat.  If you ask what do you use a towel for, he will say after a bath, when you are wet, keep it in the closet, put it in the laundry, but he can't tell you that you use it to dry off.  Technically, the whole list of things is a skill that should come later than the basic answer of "eat" or "dry off".  But he can't do the basic component of it.  So he gets points for the higher skill but not the lower.  This is really becoming more and more of an issue.  If he falls and huts his knee, he will go sit in a corner, not come ask for help.  If he is asked to go get help, he will tell the person something that is related, but not that they need to come help.  As he is starting to spend more time in school this year, and if don't homeschool him next year he will really be spending a lot of time in a larger group, I worry about his safety.  If he is sick, he doesn't tell you.  If he is hurt, he doesn't tell you.  Someone has to notice then say something.  Then he typically just cries.  I worry about if he gets really hurt.  If the teacher does not directly observe it happening (or the after effects) or a classmate doesn't say anything, he won't.  Or maybe he can't.  I don't know how to help him get past this.  I don't know how I can send him into a class with 24 other 5 year olds and hope for the best knowing he can't express those needs.  Some days he can't even tell you he has to go to the bathroom, he will just start to cry, then pee himself.  Other days he can say something.  Other days he will just go in on his own.  I'm so frustrated with the idea of I know there is a problem.  I know there are professionals who can help him and me get past this problem.  But since the rules say he doesn't qualify, then I can't get him any help.  Even though everyone professional I talk to say there is something very odd about his speech, and how he is picking it up.  And that it is very rare for a kid to have a skill set like Pyrope has (higher level skills in the building blocks that should be needed to get those skills are missing... in a couple of different areas).  I'm tired of having the "rare" kid.  Between Pyrope and Obsidian, some of the words I dread the most are "I've never/I very rare see this happen."  Yeah.  Welcome to my life.  The worst part is almost always the person tells me they don't know what to do next.  Great.  So I'm left with what do I do now?  I'm comfortable with the preschool Pyrope is in, there is 1:8 ratio with the kids.  Next year unless he has made some leaps, I don't know.  I never really intended on homeschooling, but at this point am seriously looking into it.  Until I have the confidence that Pyrope can ask for needed help, I don't know if I can send him.  I don't know if I should send him to a bricks and motor school.

Dear Lord

God, grant me the...

Serenity to accept things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that I have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of my past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

I pray for discernment for all decisions with my kids, but particularly ones like this.