The question of accepting guardianship of our friends kids if anything should happen to both of them was surprising to me. Really, Jet's reaction was as unexpected, at least in how quickly he made up his mind and how confident he sounded about it. Or maybe more so it was I that was hesitating.
After a brief discussion of some of the logistics and why we are the choice, Jet simply said yes. He had no problem with telling them yes, and if it were to happen to finish raising their kids. He then asked what my view of it was. When I told him my specific concerns, his response was short, simple, and to the point. We would make it work. Everyone would adjust. It would be hard, but we could do it. And should if the need arises.
So that is it. A simple answer. A promise that I hope I don't have to follow through on, but I will if I need to.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Completely unexpected
Early last week I received a phone call from a friend. I'm not sure to categorize her as a "close" friend or not. When I initially met her, I somewhat thought we would become close. However, the more I've got to know her, the more I don't "get" some of her actions and decisions. Her underlying beliefs and views on many subjects are close to mine, but her inconsistencies I just don't understand. Or some of her methods for expressing her beliefs and views. Maybe her idiosyncrasies are the best way to describe why I just don't feel that close. I was recently thinking about friendships and how we naturally drift away from people, and she specifically came to mind, and I thought that in the next 5-10 years, I bet we will drift apart and she will no longer be in my life.
I need to back up a little bit. This friend has 3 boys. One will be 8 in August, one will be 6 next month, and the baby is 5 months old. The older two have some medical issues. These issues require a very controlled diet, that at times is difficult. The kids are homeschooled and do not have a lot of interaction with other kids. Being honest, when I have seen them in groups of other kids, for the most part they are significantly older and they seem to struggle of how to interact. My friend has mentioned how she needs to start to work on this in the next year or two. She has also mentioned the fact that her kids don't like playing with other kids for the most part because other kids are too rough and not well behaved. However, they love playing with my kids because they are "nice". Personally, I don't see my kids as super well behaved. They definitely like rough housing, particularly Pyrope. My kids aren't mean, but they aren't angels by any stretch of the imagination. What my kids have more than other kids (in my opinion) is to initiate trying to bring others into the play. If one or two children are hanging around the edges, watch what is happening, or not talking in the conversation, one of my kids will try to lead them into playing or ask them a question to bring them into the conversation. They both do it well, especially Pyrope at this point (I think mainly because he is 2 years older and just has more skills in general at this point but also because of his very sweet nature). For Pyrope, this is something that was taught. For Obsidian, it is something that was innately part of him or he picked up from me teaching Pyrope. So her kids ask to play with mine. My kids have fun with hers, but they are not requested or come up in conversations. My kids interact with a lot of different kids (and adults). Hers don't.
Back to the phone call. I immediately knew from her voice when she said her name, that this was not going to be a typical conversation. I couldn't quite figure out her... mood or really where this was going to go. She started with "I have a question for you." Which is not that unusual for her to start a conversation with that phrase. I was slightly apprehensive because I knew something was out of the ordinary but I was not getting a sense of what. If it was a positive or a negative thing. She then launched into how this question was something for me and Jet to talk about and pray about, if I agreed to ask Jet. I was getting really curious at this point where this was going, because I truly did not have a clue. She seemed to be having a hard time figuring out how to even ask me what I was supposed to considering asking Jet, for us to then think, talk, and pray about. Then it came.
Would Jet and I take care of their children if something happened to both of them?
As she then launched into details about finances, life insurance, health insurance, and other significant details I was only barely able to listen. This was not a question I was remotely expecting to be asked. My mind was temporarily jammed. I got the very basics of the financial aspects she was going through but I was not processing things so well at that point. By the time she got around to why she and her husband decided to ask us, I had recovered well enough absorb what she was saying. All of the thoughts that were rolling in my head for the rest of the day were overwhelming. I thought of this blog. A space for me to gather and distill my thoughts. A place to try to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling without another's influence. Those were among the top reasons I started it. I kept coming back to the thought that I needed to digest and think about this before I even bring it up to Jet.
The chances of something happening to both of them are slim. Very slim. But it can and does happen. I know the majority of parents, do not set up something specific in case of that event. Jet and I have, we just recently changed ours (another post, or few posts). When we first got married, we talked about how if anything happened to my parents, that I would have responsibility of my siblings that were under 18. He said "Of course". When my dad was diagnosed with his cancer, we knew that we would be moving back to the area where my parents lived to help with not just my parents but the raising of my siblings. There was talk of me immediately returning, and Jet to follow later. It was seriously considered (I stayed with Jet, until the need was too great for me to be back, but that happened 9 months later, and he joined me 3 months after that). We have talked about if anything happened to his sister, how we would take responsibility for his nieces. So the idea and the conversation is not completely foreign to us. However I did not (and I'm guessing Jet as well) did not see the possibility of being asked that for a family that are new friends (under a year). And in all honesty, not that close to us. If it was family, the answer would be yes. With no hesitation, and little thought. We would make it work if we needed to. Very close family friends, the same (the only two families that I would categorize as such, have others that would become their children's guardians). This is different. They are friends, but not that close. There is hesitation. And a lot of thought. Lots and lots of thought. And prayer. And discussion. With some more thought and prayer.
I do understand their reasoning for asking us. For choosing us. The reasons are both humbling and ego boosting.
The idea of potentially having a minimum of 5 sons with an age range of a little over 7 years is daunting. The door is not completely shut for Jet and I having another child. He doesn't want another, but nothing has been done to permanently prevent it from happening. And I still feel that 3 children is my destiny. Our friends openly say how they hope God blesses them with more.
The main reason Jet does not want more is the extra activity and chaos another person in the house would create. The chaos of bringing at least 3 boys, 2 with medical issues (that the 3rd might have as well, but he has not been tested for yet), that have been up until that point raised in a different house, that would have some serious emotional issues at that point due to the circumstances of them become part of our household concerns me how Jet would react. I think if he choose to accept that, he would make it. The majority of the chaos would be on my plate. My whole plate for a period of years would be simply raising our children and theirs. My limited time for activities of my choosing would be virtually eliminated. My plans for taking a photography class, cake decorating class, possibly a quilting or knitting class (or group), getting my MBA, or a specialization certification for my job would be on long term hold. Blending their children into our different ways of discipline (and they are large and significant, we pretty much have the same rules and standards, but how we react to negative behaviors in particular is vastly different) would be my problem. Finishing their kids education would become my problem. Jet would help, but it would be my decisions, my choices for the most part.
As I think all of this through. The basic thoughts that keep forming are
I need to back up a little bit. This friend has 3 boys. One will be 8 in August, one will be 6 next month, and the baby is 5 months old. The older two have some medical issues. These issues require a very controlled diet, that at times is difficult. The kids are homeschooled and do not have a lot of interaction with other kids. Being honest, when I have seen them in groups of other kids, for the most part they are significantly older and they seem to struggle of how to interact. My friend has mentioned how she needs to start to work on this in the next year or two. She has also mentioned the fact that her kids don't like playing with other kids for the most part because other kids are too rough and not well behaved. However, they love playing with my kids because they are "nice". Personally, I don't see my kids as super well behaved. They definitely like rough housing, particularly Pyrope. My kids aren't mean, but they aren't angels by any stretch of the imagination. What my kids have more than other kids (in my opinion) is to initiate trying to bring others into the play. If one or two children are hanging around the edges, watch what is happening, or not talking in the conversation, one of my kids will try to lead them into playing or ask them a question to bring them into the conversation. They both do it well, especially Pyrope at this point (I think mainly because he is 2 years older and just has more skills in general at this point but also because of his very sweet nature). For Pyrope, this is something that was taught. For Obsidian, it is something that was innately part of him or he picked up from me teaching Pyrope. So her kids ask to play with mine. My kids have fun with hers, but they are not requested or come up in conversations. My kids interact with a lot of different kids (and adults). Hers don't.
Back to the phone call. I immediately knew from her voice when she said her name, that this was not going to be a typical conversation. I couldn't quite figure out her... mood or really where this was going to go. She started with "I have a question for you." Which is not that unusual for her to start a conversation with that phrase. I was slightly apprehensive because I knew something was out of the ordinary but I was not getting a sense of what. If it was a positive or a negative thing. She then launched into how this question was something for me and Jet to talk about and pray about, if I agreed to ask Jet. I was getting really curious at this point where this was going, because I truly did not have a clue. She seemed to be having a hard time figuring out how to even ask me what I was supposed to considering asking Jet, for us to then think, talk, and pray about. Then it came.
Would Jet and I take care of their children if something happened to both of them?
As she then launched into details about finances, life insurance, health insurance, and other significant details I was only barely able to listen. This was not a question I was remotely expecting to be asked. My mind was temporarily jammed. I got the very basics of the financial aspects she was going through but I was not processing things so well at that point. By the time she got around to why she and her husband decided to ask us, I had recovered well enough absorb what she was saying. All of the thoughts that were rolling in my head for the rest of the day were overwhelming. I thought of this blog. A space for me to gather and distill my thoughts. A place to try to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling without another's influence. Those were among the top reasons I started it. I kept coming back to the thought that I needed to digest and think about this before I even bring it up to Jet.
The chances of something happening to both of them are slim. Very slim. But it can and does happen. I know the majority of parents, do not set up something specific in case of that event. Jet and I have, we just recently changed ours (another post, or few posts). When we first got married, we talked about how if anything happened to my parents, that I would have responsibility of my siblings that were under 18. He said "Of course". When my dad was diagnosed with his cancer, we knew that we would be moving back to the area where my parents lived to help with not just my parents but the raising of my siblings. There was talk of me immediately returning, and Jet to follow later. It was seriously considered (I stayed with Jet, until the need was too great for me to be back, but that happened 9 months later, and he joined me 3 months after that). We have talked about if anything happened to his sister, how we would take responsibility for his nieces. So the idea and the conversation is not completely foreign to us. However I did not (and I'm guessing Jet as well) did not see the possibility of being asked that for a family that are new friends (under a year). And in all honesty, not that close to us. If it was family, the answer would be yes. With no hesitation, and little thought. We would make it work if we needed to. Very close family friends, the same (the only two families that I would categorize as such, have others that would become their children's guardians). This is different. They are friends, but not that close. There is hesitation. And a lot of thought. Lots and lots of thought. And prayer. And discussion. With some more thought and prayer.
I do understand their reasoning for asking us. For choosing us. The reasons are both humbling and ego boosting.
The idea of potentially having a minimum of 5 sons with an age range of a little over 7 years is daunting. The door is not completely shut for Jet and I having another child. He doesn't want another, but nothing has been done to permanently prevent it from happening. And I still feel that 3 children is my destiny. Our friends openly say how they hope God blesses them with more.
The main reason Jet does not want more is the extra activity and chaos another person in the house would create. The chaos of bringing at least 3 boys, 2 with medical issues (that the 3rd might have as well, but he has not been tested for yet), that have been up until that point raised in a different house, that would have some serious emotional issues at that point due to the circumstances of them become part of our household concerns me how Jet would react. I think if he choose to accept that, he would make it. The majority of the chaos would be on my plate. My whole plate for a period of years would be simply raising our children and theirs. My limited time for activities of my choosing would be virtually eliminated. My plans for taking a photography class, cake decorating class, possibly a quilting or knitting class (or group), getting my MBA, or a specialization certification for my job would be on long term hold. Blending their children into our different ways of discipline (and they are large and significant, we pretty much have the same rules and standards, but how we react to negative behaviors in particular is vastly different) would be my problem. Finishing their kids education would become my problem. Jet would help, but it would be my decisions, my choices for the most part.
As I think all of this through. The basic thoughts that keep forming are
- This would really not be something I would elect or choose to do
- This would be very hard and drastically change the our family fabric
- God told us to take care of the widows and orphans. Not the widows and orphans that are related to us, but widows and orphans in general. As an active Christian, I need to follow this command when called upon.
- Their reasons for asking us over others they know are sound reasons. From what I understand, I do see how our family would be the first choice.
- I don't want to think about the amount of food I would go through in a day, much less a week for a certain number of years.
- At the end of all conversations I have with God about this, I come to the same answer. It would not be the easy thing to do, but it would be the right thing to do (morally). Their kids and ours would adjust. So would Jet and I.
Monday, March 7, 2011
A visitor
Two weeks ago, a perfectly healthy woman in her 50's was in a car accident. The "only" injury was to her head. Unfortunately, she has never regained consciousness. She has not once responded to her name, the voices of loved ones, a touch, or painful stimulus. A ventilator is breathing for her. She is getting her nutrition through a tube. As I was moving her joints and positioning her, I felt nothing. Her vital signs did not change as I was moving her. Her family is not ready to see her go.
As I was moving her, her daughter and a co-worker of hers came to her side. Her daughter spoke to her, told her to open her eyes, told her to move, positioned her in bed, repositioned her in bed, asked for her nurse, asked about her care, asked for her co-worker to talk to her mother. I could feel the pain of the daughter. How much she wants her mom to get better. I've felt it before from other family members, for other patients. It makes me want to cry. Not for the patient, but for the family that is here on earth.
Today was different in a sense. It was the co-worker. A co-worker that cared enough that she was visiting her in ICU. And it was obviously not her first visit. That alone would be enough. The act of visiting.
But there was more. The words that were spoken. There were no words of wishes that she would get better. Or commands to move that would not be responded to. But simple observations of what was happening that the patient would have reacted to. Things at work. Happenings of friends and family. Life.
When the daughter would ask "Did you see that?", then look at the co-worker and I. I would respond with a simple "no", wishing I could answer yes but I never saw anything. It would have been easier for the co-worker to say "yes" or "I wasn't looking" or any other number of lines that I have heard others give when questioned if they saw a perceived active movement. But the co-worker each time responded "no". The truth is hard to speak.
Even above this, was the visitor's touch. She touched this woman with a kindness, a tenderness. A patience and well practiced hand that had obviously care for others. There was no hesitation or fear in her touch. A simple act of love and peace. So many times, touching someone in a similar condition is met with fear, a fear that you can feel in the air. That you can see with the hesitation in the moments, the uncoordination with the touch.
It was a quite peace that surrounded the visitor.
I wanted to thank her for visiting. For the patient. For being with the daughter. For her kindness and love. For her quiet honesty, peace, and strength.
Yet, I couldn't. As it was time for me to move on. And she was in the middle of a conversation with her daughter. A conversation that didn't seem right to interrupt. And I didn't know what I really wanted to say other than thank you.
Thank you.
As I was moving her, her daughter and a co-worker of hers came to her side. Her daughter spoke to her, told her to open her eyes, told her to move, positioned her in bed, repositioned her in bed, asked for her nurse, asked about her care, asked for her co-worker to talk to her mother. I could feel the pain of the daughter. How much she wants her mom to get better. I've felt it before from other family members, for other patients. It makes me want to cry. Not for the patient, but for the family that is here on earth.
Today was different in a sense. It was the co-worker. A co-worker that cared enough that she was visiting her in ICU. And it was obviously not her first visit. That alone would be enough. The act of visiting.
But there was more. The words that were spoken. There were no words of wishes that she would get better. Or commands to move that would not be responded to. But simple observations of what was happening that the patient would have reacted to. Things at work. Happenings of friends and family. Life.
When the daughter would ask "Did you see that?", then look at the co-worker and I. I would respond with a simple "no", wishing I could answer yes but I never saw anything. It would have been easier for the co-worker to say "yes" or "I wasn't looking" or any other number of lines that I have heard others give when questioned if they saw a perceived active movement. But the co-worker each time responded "no". The truth is hard to speak.
Even above this, was the visitor's touch. She touched this woman with a kindness, a tenderness. A patience and well practiced hand that had obviously care for others. There was no hesitation or fear in her touch. A simple act of love and peace. So many times, touching someone in a similar condition is met with fear, a fear that you can feel in the air. That you can see with the hesitation in the moments, the uncoordination with the touch.
It was a quite peace that surrounded the visitor.
I wanted to thank her for visiting. For the patient. For being with the daughter. For her kindness and love. For her quiet honesty, peace, and strength.
Yet, I couldn't. As it was time for me to move on. And she was in the middle of a conversation with her daughter. A conversation that didn't seem right to interrupt. And I didn't know what I really wanted to say other than thank you.
Thank you.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Messy
When Pyrope was little (say under the age of 2), I used to hang out with a mom and her daughter who was 2 months younger than Pyrope. As the kids began to get older, our parenting styles didn't match as well and we started to drift apart. There was no argument or hard feelings, just a natural drift.
This weekend, she posted on my Facebook wall about activities to do with her daughter. I said something about Play-Doh. She responded that it is too messy for her (the mom's) liking. Huh? I don't even really consider Play-Doh a messy activity. I thought to myself that our drift apart was probably a good thing. I'm guessing she would not want her kids playing with mine in the "garden" (read area of dirt they are allowed to play and do whatever in), or helping me cook (now that can be a very messy indoor activity), or painting. A friend commented how she always has her kids wear play clothes to my house as she never knows what they will get into and in the same breath how much her kids love coming to my house. I have a philosophy, I have a washing machine and a bath tub. If the clothes can not survive the kids play, I probably should not own it (or at least not have them wear it for things other than special occasions).
This weekend, she posted on my Facebook wall about activities to do with her daughter. I said something about Play-Doh. She responded that it is too messy for her (the mom's) liking. Huh? I don't even really consider Play-Doh a messy activity. I thought to myself that our drift apart was probably a good thing. I'm guessing she would not want her kids playing with mine in the "garden" (read area of dirt they are allowed to play and do whatever in), or helping me cook (now that can be a very messy indoor activity), or painting. A friend commented how she always has her kids wear play clothes to my house as she never knows what they will get into and in the same breath how much her kids love coming to my house. I have a philosophy, I have a washing machine and a bath tub. If the clothes can not survive the kids play, I probably should not own it (or at least not have them wear it for things other than special occasions).
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thankful Thursday
- We got a small taste of spring this week. Last week, the high was around 15 F if it was a warm day. Yesterday it was 51 F.
- The school psychologist who comes to Pyrope's class a couple times a month said he had a really good day when she saw him this week.
- Wii fitness games. Getting to the rec center as much as I need to doesn't happen. I get bored with DVDs. I will do Wii fitness games (I have a couple of different ones), the competitive nature helps me along (even if it is just against myself).
- That I'm pretty much a person that can roll with the punches. It takes quite a bit to really get me frazzled. This was particularly useful this week at work
- Finding a couple of books that I have really enjoyed. It makes me want a No.ok or Kin.dle or something. Our library still doesn't have a huge selection of eBooks, and I really am not a "buy books" kind of person, definitely a library gal.
- Copies medical records of Obsidian's made it from where they are to where they needed to go. One on the first try, one on just the second (which is really amazing that that particular one only took 2 requests)
- That beef slow cooked with dill pickles really does come out good (I discarded the pickles, cut up the roast, put barbecue sauce on it, stuck it back in the cooker, then it made some mean sandwiches). Particularly grateful it turned out well because I did it for the first time on a night we had guests over for dinner (I figure, there is always pizza if it was a colossal fail, but everyone liked it)
- Spell check. I'm a horrible speller, and if I didn't have it, my writing would not be nearly what it is. First off I would purposely use smaller words versus the ones I really want to use. Second, I would still have lots of spelling mistakes.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thankful Thursday
- Obsidian's MRI is done and that all is "normal"
- That things are moving fairly quickly forward on the medical issues with Obsidian, by early next week, he will have started on growth hormone
- For at least the next year, Obsidian's growth hormone therapy shouldn't cost us anything out of pocket after we reach our deductible (which I think we already have)
- How much my kids love my mom, and how much my mom loves my kids
- J&J Soothing Vapors Bath and cool mist humidifiers
- The big leaps Pyrope has recently been making in speech and some concepts
- Co-workers that pick up my slack on the days I really need it
- Friends who listen to my worries and not minimize them
- Finding out Rick Riordan's new book is going to be released May 3rd, I've pre-order it already
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Pearls
What I love about the idea of pearls are that they are a completely unexpected treasure when you find them. Hidden inside a rather gly object f a clam, you find something so beautiful. Now you know there is the possiblity of finding one, but no gaurtentees. And you definately don't know if you are going to find a particularly beautiful one.
Shortly after Pyrope started walking, I started him in a gymnastics class at our local rec center. I really liked the instructor. She was great. She was great when Pyrope had some difficulty transitioning to the classes that are without parents. She was great when I asked her if I could sign up Obsidian for the baby class even though he couldn't walk, and that is the prerequisite for the class. He was in the class for 6 months before he could walk. I actually only signed him up for one legitimate session of that class because he started walking between week 1 and 2 of the one session, and there was only one full session before he aged out to the 2 year old class. Obsidian really really wanted to go up to the class without parents and that got to do a craft at the end. This is now the 2nd or 3rd session of the "big kids" (meaning parents don't stay) class. He missed the first week due to a doctor's appointment. The second week, a little girl looked at him and said "He can't be in our class, he is just a baby." The teacher matter-of-factly said "He is just as old as you are, he is just small. He is part of the class." The little girl then said "Here is an empty carpet, sit next to me." in a tone that sounded completely accepting of Obsidian. So many people don't look past Obsidian's size, or his gross motor delays. This teacher recognizes his gross motor delays (he can't do what the rest of the kids can do a lot of the time, she just changes the activity for him, helps him, or has another child help him) but also recognizes that socially and cognitively, this is where he belongs.
A pearl.
Shortly after Pyrope started walking, I started him in a gymnastics class at our local rec center. I really liked the instructor. She was great. She was great when Pyrope had some difficulty transitioning to the classes that are without parents. She was great when I asked her if I could sign up Obsidian for the baby class even though he couldn't walk, and that is the prerequisite for the class. He was in the class for 6 months before he could walk. I actually only signed him up for one legitimate session of that class because he started walking between week 1 and 2 of the one session, and there was only one full session before he aged out to the 2 year old class. Obsidian really really wanted to go up to the class without parents and that got to do a craft at the end. This is now the 2nd or 3rd session of the "big kids" (meaning parents don't stay) class. He missed the first week due to a doctor's appointment. The second week, a little girl looked at him and said "He can't be in our class, he is just a baby." The teacher matter-of-factly said "He is just as old as you are, he is just small. He is part of the class." The little girl then said "Here is an empty carpet, sit next to me." in a tone that sounded completely accepting of Obsidian. So many people don't look past Obsidian's size, or his gross motor delays. This teacher recognizes his gross motor delays (he can't do what the rest of the kids can do a lot of the time, she just changes the activity for him, helps him, or has another child help him) but also recognizes that socially and cognitively, this is where he belongs.
A pearl.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day
I don't remember ever not being aware of the sadness the loss of a baby brings a family. When my mom was pregnant with me, her brother's wife was pregnant and due within a couple weeks as well. It was a family guessing game who would be the oldest grandchild. Part way through their 2nd trimester, my aunt lost the baby. So I became the oldest, and a 'shadow child' as my mom referred to me in regards to my cousin. While my mom calls me the 'shadow child', sometimes I think the babies that are lost are really the 'shadow children'. An echo that many forget is there, but it is always there. They seem to be easily forgotten by others that are not directly touched, but can loom large for those who do remember.
Yet, fortunately I'm on the outside of the loss as I have never lost a baby of my own. While I'm touched by the babies and their lives that were too short, I'm on the fringe.
I go with my mom on her visits to my youngest sibling's grave when she asks me to come. Particularly in the last 6 months, I've listen to my mother-in-law go over and over and over the details she remembers around the birth of her youngest daughter. She was born still, at full term at 7 lbs 11 oz, but much past that the details are murky at best. I've sat and listened to friends talk about their babies lost to pre-eclampsia, umbilical cord accident, placental abruption, congenital defects, ectopic pregnancies, illnesses caught too soon after birth, SIDS, and some rare complications of pregnancy. I've seen and treated women in ICU and rehab as they fight for their lives or to regain some of their independence after something in their pregnancy went wrong. Some of those women have lost their babies, some of the babies are simultaneously fighting for their own lives on a different floor in the same hospital, and on a couple of occasions the babies have been healthy at home in the care of grandparents/aunts/uncles while their mom is fighting and their dad is torn between the two. When I'm at work, I know how to do my actual job, but other than that, I'm sometimes at a loss of what to do. I sit, I listen, I offer a hug, or a tissue, or a touch. If I remember the baby, I try to say that I remember, to say their name. And always a prayer, sometimes silent, sometimes shared.
Yet, fortunately I'm on the outside of the loss as I have never lost a baby of my own. While I'm touched by the babies and their lives that were too short, I'm on the fringe.
I go with my mom on her visits to my youngest sibling's grave when she asks me to come. Particularly in the last 6 months, I've listen to my mother-in-law go over and over and over the details she remembers around the birth of her youngest daughter. She was born still, at full term at 7 lbs 11 oz, but much past that the details are murky at best. I've sat and listened to friends talk about their babies lost to pre-eclampsia, umbilical cord accident, placental abruption, congenital defects, ectopic pregnancies, illnesses caught too soon after birth, SIDS, and some rare complications of pregnancy. I've seen and treated women in ICU and rehab as they fight for their lives or to regain some of their independence after something in their pregnancy went wrong. Some of those women have lost their babies, some of the babies are simultaneously fighting for their own lives on a different floor in the same hospital, and on a couple of occasions the babies have been healthy at home in the care of grandparents/aunts/uncles while their mom is fighting and their dad is torn between the two. When I'm at work, I know how to do my actual job, but other than that, I'm sometimes at a loss of what to do. I sit, I listen, I offer a hug, or a tissue, or a touch. If I remember the baby, I try to say that I remember, to say their name. And always a prayer, sometimes silent, sometimes shared.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Your shoes
Earlier this week I came across this article understanding where moms' time goes when I was on Facebook. It was written 3+ years ago but for whatever recently started making its way through Facebook now. I have been reading the comments about the article with interest and thinking about all of it. At the end of the day, the crux of this article gets to for me is not about being a mom and what that specifically entails, but it is about being empathic to a friend. It is about empathy when a best friend's life circumstances change.
I have thought about the many different situations that I have heard the basic same complain, either from the "friend" or from the person with the circumstance. I have heard and read things of how others are less than understanding when a person with rheumatoid arthritis, multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, Crohn's disease, chronic pain, can not work or go out and do other activities. I have listened/read how these individuals list out the steps that they personally need to do just to do basic functions. Steps that are different than common, and frequently more time consuming and complicated. Yes, one person with RA might be able to do X, but that doesn't mean another person with RA can do X as well. One mom might have the time to do Y with her friends like she used to, but another mom might not. One person isn't better than another, we all have different life circumstance and deal with things differently.
When Jet has had a long or stressful day at work (or time period at work), he doesn't interact much with others. He comes home, eats, then works on something mechanical alone, then gets ready for bed and sleeps until it is time to go to work again. In a study of contrast, if things are hard at work, I'll talking a mile a minute to Jet (or on the phone to a non-work friend) the second I walk through the door. I will be making plans of something to do with somebody that evening before I go to bed. Neither reaction is "wrong", just different.
I had separately been thinking about a post my high school age niece made on her blog a week or so ago. She was lamenting how her friends don't understand why she can not "just hang out" that much in the school year because of her dance classes. The confusion she was expressing over her relationships with her friends changing because of her lack of time made me sad for her. I wanted to tell her, or really have her figure out, that a relationship is going to change if you used to spend 20 hours a week together, and now you spend 2. All relationships change. While she loves to dance and spend a lot of time at the dance studio, it does have consequences that some are not positive. She might be a better dancer but she won't have as much time for outside relationships and activities. How to say that you need to find balance in your life, a balance that you are happy with living.
So all of these things started to fall together in my mind. Life always means changes. Time and activities and the frequency we do them changes.
The friend in the article isn't particularly someone I would want as a friend. She doesn't show much empathy, and she makes some sweeping generalizations. I have child-free friends who understand when I don't call or do things as much as I used to. They are the same friends (as well as friends with children), who understood when I didn't call and do things when I was busy being the primary care giver for my great aunt in her last days, or when I was dealing with Jet and his problems finishing school, or when I was helping with my dad when he was dealing with cancer. Life circumstances changes, activities change, we change. Our lifelong friends are those people where the relationship also changes to reflect the people that are in it. A friend tries to see the situation from my shoes. And at the end of the day, she shows me some empathy.
I have thought about the many different situations that I have heard the basic same complain, either from the "friend" or from the person with the circumstance. I have heard and read things of how others are less than understanding when a person with rheumatoid arthritis, multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, Crohn's disease, chronic pain, can not work or go out and do other activities. I have listened/read how these individuals list out the steps that they personally need to do just to do basic functions. Steps that are different than common, and frequently more time consuming and complicated. Yes, one person with RA might be able to do X, but that doesn't mean another person with RA can do X as well. One mom might have the time to do Y with her friends like she used to, but another mom might not. One person isn't better than another, we all have different life circumstance and deal with things differently.
When Jet has had a long or stressful day at work (or time period at work), he doesn't interact much with others. He comes home, eats, then works on something mechanical alone, then gets ready for bed and sleeps until it is time to go to work again. In a study of contrast, if things are hard at work, I'll talking a mile a minute to Jet (or on the phone to a non-work friend) the second I walk through the door. I will be making plans of something to do with somebody that evening before I go to bed. Neither reaction is "wrong", just different.
I had separately been thinking about a post my high school age niece made on her blog a week or so ago. She was lamenting how her friends don't understand why she can not "just hang out" that much in the school year because of her dance classes. The confusion she was expressing over her relationships with her friends changing because of her lack of time made me sad for her. I wanted to tell her, or really have her figure out, that a relationship is going to change if you used to spend 20 hours a week together, and now you spend 2. All relationships change. While she loves to dance and spend a lot of time at the dance studio, it does have consequences that some are not positive. She might be a better dancer but she won't have as much time for outside relationships and activities. How to say that you need to find balance in your life, a balance that you are happy with living.
So all of these things started to fall together in my mind. Life always means changes. Time and activities and the frequency we do them changes.
The friend in the article isn't particularly someone I would want as a friend. She doesn't show much empathy, and she makes some sweeping generalizations. I have child-free friends who understand when I don't call or do things as much as I used to. They are the same friends (as well as friends with children), who understood when I didn't call and do things when I was busy being the primary care giver for my great aunt in her last days, or when I was dealing with Jet and his problems finishing school, or when I was helping with my dad when he was dealing with cancer. Life circumstances changes, activities change, we change. Our lifelong friends are those people where the relationship also changes to reflect the people that are in it. A friend tries to see the situation from my shoes. And at the end of the day, she shows me some empathy.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thankful Thursday
Today I got to thinking why I do "Thankful Thursdays". For a good portion of my later teenage years on, I have made a conscious effort to see what there is to be thankful for. Partly to see the good God has put around me, but mainly because I feel better when I'm seeing something to be thankful for. The benefits are exponentially more when the exercise is most difficult to complete.
I went into work today for a couple of hours. I was in a bad mood for multiple reasons by the time I walked into my department. My department as a whole was in a crabby mood, for a couple specific reasons. I could feel myself getting to be in a worse and worse mood. However, when I was walking to treat a patient, I did my normal mental prep work. This includes if I'm having a bad day and I'm crabby, to try to turn it off at least enough that my patient(s) won't see it. I started listing things that I'm thankful for, the first one or two came slowly and were excessively difficult to think up. I did come up with them. Less than a minute or two later, I'm stepping off the elevator at my destination and I've decided that I really do feel better in general now at this point and I'm making much better decisions. Among other things prior to this, I was thinking of all of the ways I could get at the person who I share a desk with because she wouldn't let my sunglasses sit on the desk because they were in the way (keeping in mind that she has so much stuff on our desk that generally I can't write at it because there is no surface to write on and too much of her personal junk sitting in our chair I have no where to sit including when she is not even there); I was now thinking that her behavior was annoying, but really doing something that would instigate an all out fight is probably not worth it over a pair of sunglasses... So here is my list for this Thankful Thursday
I went into work today for a couple of hours. I was in a bad mood for multiple reasons by the time I walked into my department. My department as a whole was in a crabby mood, for a couple specific reasons. I could feel myself getting to be in a worse and worse mood. However, when I was walking to treat a patient, I did my normal mental prep work. This includes if I'm having a bad day and I'm crabby, to try to turn it off at least enough that my patient(s) won't see it. I started listing things that I'm thankful for, the first one or two came slowly and were excessively difficult to think up. I did come up with them. Less than a minute or two later, I'm stepping off the elevator at my destination and I've decided that I really do feel better in general now at this point and I'm making much better decisions. Among other things prior to this, I was thinking of all of the ways I could get at the person who I share a desk with because she wouldn't let my sunglasses sit on the desk because they were in the way (keeping in mind that she has so much stuff on our desk that generally I can't write at it because there is no surface to write on and too much of her personal junk sitting in our chair I have no where to sit including when she is not even there); I was now thinking that her behavior was annoying, but really doing something that would instigate an all out fight is probably not worth it over a pair of sunglasses... So here is my list for this Thankful Thursday
- The weather is finally cooler. I'm not a huge fan of heat, my favorite weather involves wearing sweatshirts, and we are just entering into it.
- The fall activities have officially started. This past weekend we went to a pig roast and we went on a hayride and had a campfire while we were there.
- Listening to Obsidian talk. Pyrope was/is not much of a talker. Obsidian is. Since I'm not used to listening to a very small person's views of everything, it is even more amusing listening to them.
- Lazy Sunday afternoons. This past one I spent listening to Pyrope playing and laughing with my cousin (who is 13) while Obsidian was taking a nap on my uncle's chest. It was a very laid back, quiet visit.
- Seeing the leaves on the trees just starting to change color. It gets back to I love the fall (but I love this enough that it is its own specific item).
- My sister got me drinking a new type of tea. I don't drink coffee but I love a good hot beverage in the fall, winter, and spring. I hate having to put sugar in things, this tea I can drink without sugar. It is almost like drinking a liquid cinnamon red hot candy heart. Except there is no sugar involved, but it still tastes sweet. It comes in caffeinated and caffeine free varieties. I did find it comes in different flavors as well although right now I have no interest in expanding into a different flavor. I love this tea.
- I found where I can buy above tea locally to me (my other options were having my sister buy me some or buying it off of Amazon, both fine options but ones that require forethought when I'm running low). I didn't even have to go to a lot of different stores to figure it out, a simple status change on Facebook, and I then found out where I could buy my tea. Yum.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thankful Thursday
Despite, or maybe because, there has been so many things happening this week, I've been finding a lot to be thankful for.
- Jet's willingness to help fix up mechanical things. For anyone. He is willing to put in a lot of time, and even more time teaching while he is doing it.
- Our neighbors to the north. They don't mind us, I think they might even like us. There are many reasons that they could not like us. The kids toys always straying into our yard. Pyrope riding his bike into their rose bushes. The constant cars being worked on parked in our driveway which is right next to their patio. The noise from working on... things. Jet leaving on his motorcycle at 6 am. Periodially seeing Pyrope 'watering the grass'. The list goes on and on.
- My mom living close enough, being able, willing, and watching the boys when I need help.
- Obsidian's smiles. They make up for the stare downs we get into.
- Despite many near misses, the fact that we have not had any really serious injuries.
- The fact that although my one job is looking like it is drying up soon, other jobs are always presenting themselves. It is just a matter of applying and going through the motions.
- The internet. It is incredible the amount of information (and misinformation) that is a few searches away. 20 years ago, the amount of time and research to get a fraction of the information was so great.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thankful Thursday
This week I have been finding many things that I'm not thankful for. Some weeks, it is very easy when Pyrope, Obsidian and I say our bedtime prayers to list things I'm thankful of happening in my life. This week it was really a struggle at times, but at the same time, those are the weeks I really need to remember the good with the bad (or bitter with the sweet as I was told frequently as a child, "Ruby, you can't understand and appreciate the sweet unless you also have the bitter). So in no particular order, here is what I'm thankful for this week.
- Friends that have a sense of humor. I was at a meeting and trying to balance money we collected for some events. Things were not balancing, we kept trying and it was not coming out (this should have been the last "easy" step, as each event had balanced and now we were just making sure the totals were correct). I then realized I was literally sitting on an envelope with money in it (I had put it there because it was the first event that was done, and I wanted to remember we had already completed that event). We laughed. Others would have been mad at me (as we had just spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out what was happening).
- Quite time for me. Pyrope started preschool and Obsidian naps during the same time. So I'm as close to "home alone" as I have been in years on a regular basis now. And I'm loving it.
- The physical location of my home. When Jet and I were looking for a house, we wanted it within a mile of a library and at least a convenience store. We are within a mile of those two, as well as being a 1/4 mile from the K-5 school our kids will most likely go to, slightly over a mile to two different grocery stores, 1.25 miles from Pyrope's preschool, a couple different playgrounds, a bike path, and a very nice park are also all within a mile. Just as importantly, there are sidewalks that I can safely bike with the kids to do these. So many people I know live where they are not within a reasonable distance or there is no safe way to travel that distance (although this was a very conscious decision of our as there were MANY houses we eliminated solely for the reason they were either too far from "things" or there was no sidewalks/safe way to access those places if you were not in a car).
- Access to good medical care. Obsidian's cut through his lip was a pain to deal with but if it was 100 years ago, neither the ability to stitch him up so he wouldn't have problems with closing his lips for the rest of his life or the antibiotics to protect him from infections while he was healing existed as they do now. While this was an annoyance for a brief amount of time, it will soon be a fading memory, or just a story to share. In the not that distance past, it could have been a life threatening or debilitating event. To this day, in other parts of the world, this would be much more serious than it is.
- The new Radian car seats I just got. Car seat safety is a soap box of mine, so good car seats is always something I'm thinking about. I also drive a smaller sedan, and really don't want to get a mini van. I don't need the space for the most part. I hate using more gas to move a vehicle the same distance just because it is bigger when I don't need bigger. However, I'm starting to car pool more, so I've been needing to put 3 kids across the back seat. And 3 car seats were not fitting across with my old ones. I can do it with Radians. As an added bonus, both Pyrope and Obsidian like the Radians.
- My MIL's colonoscopy came back clean. This is the first time since the first cancer diagnosis came that a new medical problem has not come up during a screening or procedure.
- There were 3 days Pyrope and Obsidian slept in until 8 am. This never happens. I get excited when they sleep until 7. Both of them sleeping until 8, on the same days, multiple times in one weeks is unheard of. I have never been huge on sleeping in, but it has felt wonderful.
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