Recently, I've had a string of problems. Serious problems. There have been several points that I've felt that 'the straw that broke the camal's back' has landed on me. Although some of those straws were more like logs, or at least sticks.
Today I had "Thanksgiving" at my house for my family. Now it wasn't on "Thanksgiving" (as that will be in 4 days on Thursday), nor did we have any of the traditional "Thanksgiving" foods, as we will be having all of them in 4 days. My mom and my 3 youngest siblings will go and be with her family (in a group that rivals my immediate family), my brother who is closest in age and I will be going to be with our respective spouse's families.
I understand we a bit of a loud crowd. There are 4 boys essentially between the ages of 4-7 (yes, 4, 5, 6, and 7 year old). There are my 3 brothers (2 of which are 21 and 23 and play with the younger group of boys and can really add to the boisterousness of the play). There is me and my sister. Don't forget Mom. Or the 4 significant others of the siblings. My house is not tiny, but nor is it large. We are family, and talk, and tease, and play. When multiplied by our numbers (and ages, a 4 year old boy for example creates a significant larger amount of activity and noise than say a 70 year old woman, and then when you multiple it by essentially 6 boys horsing around). I had rubber bands shot all over my house. Matchbox cars launched down my stairs. Various kids and adults dressed up as minions. Rousing games of hide and seek. Spirited discussions of what is going well and not so well in everyone's lives. Two 1/2 lb Reece's Cups spit between the 4 little boys (giver of Reece's cups did not ask parents prior to giving... and after a little boy has received a Reece cup, there is no taking it away). Temporary tattoos applied. Pants getting wet by unknown means (pee? juice? water from the sink?). A random missing sock (foot still in shoe). Adults 'improving' children's toys. A child hair dresser cutting another child's hair (you would think with that many adults that it couldn't happen, but you would be wrong). I enjoyed it. My boys enjoyed it.
For Thanksgiving itself, I will be hosting Jett's family, 240 miles from here, in a hotel room, well hotel suite (it has a living room/eat-in kitchen and then a separate bedroom). It will be Jett, the boys, myself, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and her younger daughter (age 13). Her older daughter (age 18) will be with her boyfriend and his family. I will do the majority of the cooking, I will be doing the 'hosting' duties. I will pack up what I need from my house, and transport it there. My mother-in-law is not in the best of health. And she has never really liked to travel. My sister-in-law 'doesn't have the time' to make a big meal. She doesn't have a table to have a meal at in her house (Literally, there is no kitchen table or dining room table in the house, they just eat on plates sitting on the couch, in front of the TV... typically not together). I won't do Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant or sitting in front of a TV on a couch (well, couch is not big enough, so I would be on the floor, but any rate, everyone will be at a table(s) for Thanksgiving dinner if I have anything to do with it). So the hotel thing works out best. I like cooking. And I like hosting. (Do like doing both better in something larger, that at least has an oven and full size stove, that I don't have to pack up so much of my own stuff and bring, but I can make due.) For the most part, the day is spent watching TV, and having meaningless conversation about materialistic things. It annoys me. When I'm not cooking, I probably will read a large portion of a book. I will take my boys to the hotel pool by myself. Maybe my niece will join us. I will most likely not learn a single thing about what others are currently doing and liking and disliking. I don't dislike the quietness, I do dislike the not being with each other. We sit together at a table (mainly because I make us). We sit together in front of a TV. But there is no meaningful to me interaction. I try to do it with a good attitude. I reserve, I plan, I shop, I prepare food, I cook, I make sure everyone's drinks are filled, that everyone is comfortably seated, I serve, I try to keep the boys reasonably quiet, I try to have things the boys can share with their Grandma. I try to smile. I try not to bring up any offense conversation, or make any comment that is considered too offensive. I try to present the whole thing as 'good' to the kids and that I want to be there. If not, I need to graciously step aside. I do not want to pass on a 'bad' attitude or vibes to my children.
Jett spent all of the day, minus 30 minutes he was downstairs for dinner (and the first 10 minutes, he was washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen as we started to eat), upstairs, in his office. He came down after everyone left. He asked if I just found out my sister-in-law is pregnant. I was stunned. She had announced she was pregnant in June, she is due in January. How did he not know? I know, he was probably upstairs. As he is for every time family comes over that is not his family. Every time we have guests over that he did not invite.
When the boys were little, I always thought and said, that as they got older and had their interest and activities, he would be more involved. He would not go off nearly as much and do his own thing. This summer, for the first time, I realized to the extent that is just a dream and really false hope of mine. When one had a belt test, he wanted to go to a meeting of his aircraft club, so he did. When one wanted to go on his birthday to hear an orchestra play outside, he choose to stay home so he could go to bed at his normal time so he wouldn't be tired the next day at work. He didn't come to Pyrope's first hockey scrimmage of the season because it was a beautiful night to go on a motorcycle ride with a friend. Choosing to go to a slot car swap meet instead of a mass where Pyrope was reading a petition and being enrolled to receive two sacraments in the coming 7 months. And it goes on and on and on.
And I've started to truly move on without him. When I force him to go to things he doesn't want to, he continually asks when we can leave, in between sitting in a corner and reading his magazine. If he is not going to be with us when he is with us, then I don't want him there. Or if he is just visibly and verbally counting down the time to when he can leave. We will go with him to car shows, and air shows, and historic places, and museums that interest him. But don't rush me and the boys when we find something that interests one of us there more than it interests you. When you want to go to a specific museum and other sites in an area for spring break vacation, we will do it. And enjoy it with you. When we (and it is we, I enjoy the trip, and the boys have been asking ever since coming back from the same trip 2 years ago, they both bring it up at regular intervals as to when we are doing it again) want to go back to the ocean, spending a week being with extended family, playing on the beach, eating lots of food, and in general just being together come with us and enjoy it. His question is always "Well, can't you handle it on your own?" Yes, I can handle it. And I don't want to make you miserable, or to have you with a negative attitude with us. But I really really want you to want to be with us, doing things we enjoy doing. Trying to enjoy it yourself, even if it isn't your first choice. We do, and try to enjoy, things that are your first choice that aren't ours. I will do it alone, and make excuses for you not being there, before I 'make' you be there, and have you miserable, and you ruining our experience.
But I don't like it.
And I don't like making excuses. I like the idea even less of saying in front of our children the real reason of you would rather not be there doing things with them, with us, so you aren't. I know eventually, if not already, they know this. But I just can't bring myself to saying it.
I don't like being asked at school where you are. I don't like it when we go to friend's houses and be asked why you aren't there. Or why you take off immediately after eating, leaving us to socialize (and we like the socializing). I don't like showing up at family functions without you, time after time after time. I don't like the parents/teachers/coaches making comments how they never see you. And if you do happen to bring them, you go sit somewhere else reading instead of watching the boys and talking with the other parents. Seeing who their friends are. Getting to know their friends. I resent after working a day, the second I walk through the door, you take off, either to another part of the house or go somewhere. That when you get home from work, you need 'time' before you want to be with them. That if you are in charge of dinner, you make them food, give them plates in front of the TV. And even if they ask you to sit on the couch and eat with them, you go eat alone. Every. single. time.
I understand needing some me time. But a balance is needed.
Why did I not see this coming? If I did, I don't think my choices would have been the same....
