I had a realization a couple of days ago. About my diet and weight loss.
Things were going well. Slow, but consistent. Then I started coming up with excuses. The predictable happened. I stopped losing weight. On the positive side, I didn't gain any back, but my slow loss stopped. Imagine that.
I do want to get to my goal weight. So that means one thing. I need to start paying attention again. I've also decided that I need to start running/working out on a regular basis. I did really well until I did my triathlon. Then I stopped. I don't have a whole lot of desire to do another. However, I know signing up for races does get me to work out regularly (there is an interesting series they do in the fall for 4 weeks... every Wednesday you have a 3-6 mile trail run on a different trail, the location/trail is only announced to you the night before the run... if you complete all 4 you get a t-shirt). That and while I was waiting for the race to start, a lady stopped me and said that she had an insulin pump too and wondered how I could do the race and that she had thought about it, and her sister had encouraged her to try. I told her to go for it. That I was planning on finishing the race like everyone else. One stroke at a time, one pedal at a time, and one step at a time.
This week is not err, the best, week to get back to my diet. Thanksgiving, food prep for Thanksgiving. But after that the excuse would be Christmas. So tomorrow it is.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I just can't....
Obsidian had a bad day at swimming lessons. He had a cold and a kid pushed him (nothing out of your normal preschool push, but it scared Obsidian which is understandable as they were sitting at the edge of a pool and the kid was literally 2 ti mes his size). So Obsidian cried and in general was uncooperative. This got him kicked out of lessons. There are no other options for appropriate lessons for him. He has to either be with the babies (rarely is there a kid over 18 months and none of them swim at the level he does, and I have to be in the water with him. We go swimming together and frankly I do more with him than they do in the baby class so it is pointless. The next class up is the one he just got kicked out of). Swimming lessons are good for Obsidian. Really good. In the 6 lessons he had in the previous session, he made amazing progress. Good progress for any kid, but amazing when you consider him and his typical progress for anything physical. And it was carrying over to things he did on the land. (Don't get me going about how he could do well for one session then get kicked out the next because of one bad day, the first lesson he did well. Everyone said he did well.) I was told he won't be welcome back until he is closer in size to other kids that take the class. For Obsidian, this might not be until he is 5 or 6 (as he has grown recently, he is now the size of an average 13 month old, but seeing he is 28 months old, it will be a long time before he is the size of the other kids, most of the time the youngest kids in the class are around 4). I was, and am, frustrated. And tired. And just want to give up. I cried. I let myself have a bad day. Then I Face.booked someone I know about doing private swim lessons with Obsidian. I've known her since she was 5. I taught her how to ride a bike. I taught her swimming lessons. I baby sat her and her brother and sister. She has now been teaching swimming lessons for 10 years (which vaguely makes me feel old that she has taught lessons for so long). Her current work and school schedules are changing, but after that she will start with him. My preference would be that Obsidian would be with other kids when he is learning how to swim, but since that is not possible, having him in swimming lessons period is what needs to be done. So within 24 hours, I had an acceptable solution.
But, I'm tired. I don't want to deal with this. Now or ever. Yet I know, there will be many more problems that will arise for Obsidian. That I will have to fight for. And for Pyrope. That I will have to fight for. And I'm tired. And I don't want to. But I have to.
After I was diagnosed with diabetes, I had people tell "I could never handle it. I just couldn't give myself an injection. I would die." My response has always been. "You could if you needed to." After it became obvious that Pyrope is not developing typical and then when Obsidian had his more obvious issues the comments started with them. "I could never have a child with special needs. I just couldn't do it." You could. I didn't choose any of these situations. I wouldn't choose them for myself and particularly for my kids, but it is what it is.
A friend from childhood was one of the most adequate people that she "could never give herself a shot". After a series of miscarriages, she found out that she needed to take shots to give herself a chance to carry a baby to term. During her first successful pregnancy, her husband gave her the shots. The "I could never give myself a shot" continued, if not increased. The next pregnancy, her husband giving the shots was the plan. However, the day the first shot was needed, he froze. He couldn't do it. Several hours of talking, tears, and arguing later, he still wouldn't do it. My friend had a moment of light that if she didn't just give herself the shot, that her child would not live. And she gave herself the shot. Her husband never gave her another shot. She called me shortly after the incident and told me I was right. She could give herself a shot. She had to, so she did.
So as I spent Saturday wanting to quit, to not have a child with different/special issues from your typical kid, I thought about what that would entail. My children wouldn't be any different. They would still have their issues. I could just "give up" and not find a different way for Obsidian to have swimming lessons. I could just let Pyrope not get speech services or go to school in a typical kindergarten without needed supports to make him safe. However, they would not have the best chance to excel at life and school if I did this. I could choose to ignore my diabetes. But I wouldn't have the best health that is possible.
So I just can't quit. I want to. But I can't. At least not today.
But, I'm tired. I don't want to deal with this. Now or ever. Yet I know, there will be many more problems that will arise for Obsidian. That I will have to fight for. And for Pyrope. That I will have to fight for. And I'm tired. And I don't want to. But I have to.
After I was diagnosed with diabetes, I had people tell "I could never handle it. I just couldn't give myself an injection. I would die." My response has always been. "You could if you needed to." After it became obvious that Pyrope is not developing typical and then when Obsidian had his more obvious issues the comments started with them. "I could never have a child with special needs. I just couldn't do it." You could. I didn't choose any of these situations. I wouldn't choose them for myself and particularly for my kids, but it is what it is.
A friend from childhood was one of the most adequate people that she "could never give herself a shot". After a series of miscarriages, she found out that she needed to take shots to give herself a chance to carry a baby to term. During her first successful pregnancy, her husband gave her the shots. The "I could never give myself a shot" continued, if not increased. The next pregnancy, her husband giving the shots was the plan. However, the day the first shot was needed, he froze. He couldn't do it. Several hours of talking, tears, and arguing later, he still wouldn't do it. My friend had a moment of light that if she didn't just give herself the shot, that her child would not live. And she gave herself the shot. Her husband never gave her another shot. She called me shortly after the incident and told me I was right. She could give herself a shot. She had to, so she did.
So as I spent Saturday wanting to quit, to not have a child with different/special issues from your typical kid, I thought about what that would entail. My children wouldn't be any different. They would still have their issues. I could just "give up" and not find a different way for Obsidian to have swimming lessons. I could just let Pyrope not get speech services or go to school in a typical kindergarten without needed supports to make him safe. However, they would not have the best chance to excel at life and school if I did this. I could choose to ignore my diabetes. But I wouldn't have the best health that is possible.
So I just can't quit. I want to. But I can't. At least not today.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Guilty pleasures
Shortly after my mother-in-law was diagnosis with her first type of cancer early this spring, I started playing Farm.ville. In many ways, I didn't (and don't) feel like have much control of things. Of Obsidian's medical issues. Of Pyrope's difficulty with language or cognition or whatever his issue is. Of Jet and I arguing over 2 vs 3 children. I needed a mindless, simple game that I could consistently control. Throughout the spring, summer, and fall I have continued playing. There is something satisfying about seeing things progress in an orderly predictable manner. With the different diagnosis happening, different issues with various people, I can log onto my farm, and everything will work by the rules. Even if something does not go how I want it, I know it is going to happen because of the rules. The rules don't change. So most evenings, you can find me unwinding on my farm. It gives me pleasure to see how many things I've accomplished and how my farm looks. If I want to change the look, I delete, rearrange, and buy new things. At the same time, I feel guilty about "wasting" my time doing this. I then rationalize the time I spend on my farm by saying I don't watch TV and I haven't been spending time on any of my other hobbies (most of which because I can't tolerate the frustration that they sometimes bring). So I will continue farming. I will escape to a place where the rules are black and white, and I can visually get immediate results of my work.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Swimming lessons
Swimming lessons have been part of my life for as long as I can remember. My dad was not allowed to swim until he was in high school. He learned how to swim at that point but he never could do it well. My mom learned to swim at a young age and grew up with a pool in her backyard. Her mother never learned how to swim and was very fearful of water (she did learn how to put her face in, and as a way for her kids to be able to take swimming lessons, my grandmother taught swimming lessons for years... however she only taught the lowest level where the goal was to be comfortable putting your face in the water... my grandmother had the reputation of being the best teacher for that level because of her patience. When the kids she taught found out years later that she couldn't swim and was in fact afraid of doing the very thing she taught so well, they were universally amazed). As a consequence of my dad and my maternal grandmother, I was enrolled in swimming lessons from the time I turned 1 year old until I could pass a certain level. I kept up with swimming lessons even after that point. By the time I was 13, I was teaching (at first it was just the babies 1:1, by 14 I had normal "level" classes). I taught various swim classes from that point until shortly after graduating from college.
When Pyrope was a baby, we started doing Parent and Tot classes (for the most part the classes that used to exist for babies without a parent are now gone). When he was 3, he was moved up to "Preschool" classes (no parents go in for these). Obsidian was following the same pattern. This fall when I went to sign up Pyrope for his preschool class, I noticed there was no longer an age requirement. So I asked about signing up Obsidian for the same class. I was told it was fine if he was comfortable in the water with a stranger and could wait his turn. He can do both (he can't do 30 minutes of lessons because he gets too cold, but that is a problem we have with the parent and tot one as well). He got signed up. I was sad on the first day of class the normal teacher was not there. The substitute was okay, but didn't really push Pyrope (or Obsidian but he needs less pushing and I'm less concerned about him learning the skills as quickly). Obsidian did fine. He waited his turn, he got in the pool, he tried, and he didn't cry. A 5 year in the class was fearful but listened, tried, and didn't cry. One of the 3 year olds refused (for the whole 8 weeks) to get in the water at all. The other 3 year old kept running around the deck instead of sitting and waiting his turn. The 2nd week, same thing. Week 3, the normal teacher was back, took 1 look at Obsidian and said he couldn't be in the class because he was too small and wouldn't listen. I said he had been fine the first 2 lessons. She said no and refused to let him come with her. With that, substitute teacher walked in and said the center had asked her to come in for the lessons so the class could be split (typically they limit the class to 4, and there were 5). She took the 3 year old who wouldn't go near the water and Obsidian. She was wonderful with Obsidian. He learned so much. Everyone from me, to his doctor, to his physical therapist started to notice him make significant gains (it could be coincidence, but I think it was related to what he was learning to do in the water). At the end of the session, main teacher said that next session Obsidian would have to be in the Parent and Tot class (the class requirements once again have age included). Are you kidding me? No. Parent and Tot they walk around in the water, sign song, and if the class is "good" try kicking sitting on the edge and being encouraged to put their face in. Obsidian was working on holding onto the wall and kicking, climbing out of the water by himself, bobs, alternating arm movements, and the "older" skills. The only person above the main teacher is the aquatic director. So I went in and appealed to her. She agreed to have Obsidian in the preschool class again as long as I signed up for a time that the main teacher wasn't teaching it. Fine. Guess what. Obsidian did fine (except getting cold after 20 minutes, but really that is an issue of the water temperature, air temperature, and his lack of body mass). Unfortunately, the teachers aren't nearly as good (they are all high school students, where as the main teacher taught some of my friends how to swim and the one who wound up teaching Obsidian is in her 20's). I would love to get Pyrope back in main teacher's class. Obsidian however was not exactly nice to her after he heard her saying he was too small (as in he would screech at her "I big. I swim." then spit at her... um, kid that is not really helping your case). I wish she would have looked at Obsidian for who he is and what he can do instead of his size (and to a lesser extent his age, if he had been a big 2 year old, I doubt she would have asked his age). They used to do private lessons, but stopped them. I would be willing to do that with Obsidian (I do understand he is young but at the same time skill wise, socially, and cognitively he does not fit into the baby group). I'm going to see how the remaining lessons go for Pyrope, and if he is learning anything (which the first lesson he didn't from the high schoolers) we will stay with what we have. If not, I'm back to the good fight.
When Pyrope was a baby, we started doing Parent and Tot classes (for the most part the classes that used to exist for babies without a parent are now gone). When he was 3, he was moved up to "Preschool" classes (no parents go in for these). Obsidian was following the same pattern. This fall when I went to sign up Pyrope for his preschool class, I noticed there was no longer an age requirement. So I asked about signing up Obsidian for the same class. I was told it was fine if he was comfortable in the water with a stranger and could wait his turn. He can do both (he can't do 30 minutes of lessons because he gets too cold, but that is a problem we have with the parent and tot one as well). He got signed up. I was sad on the first day of class the normal teacher was not there. The substitute was okay, but didn't really push Pyrope (or Obsidian but he needs less pushing and I'm less concerned about him learning the skills as quickly). Obsidian did fine. He waited his turn, he got in the pool, he tried, and he didn't cry. A 5 year in the class was fearful but listened, tried, and didn't cry. One of the 3 year olds refused (for the whole 8 weeks) to get in the water at all. The other 3 year old kept running around the deck instead of sitting and waiting his turn. The 2nd week, same thing. Week 3, the normal teacher was back, took 1 look at Obsidian and said he couldn't be in the class because he was too small and wouldn't listen. I said he had been fine the first 2 lessons. She said no and refused to let him come with her. With that, substitute teacher walked in and said the center had asked her to come in for the lessons so the class could be split (typically they limit the class to 4, and there were 5). She took the 3 year old who wouldn't go near the water and Obsidian. She was wonderful with Obsidian. He learned so much. Everyone from me, to his doctor, to his physical therapist started to notice him make significant gains (it could be coincidence, but I think it was related to what he was learning to do in the water). At the end of the session, main teacher said that next session Obsidian would have to be in the Parent and Tot class (the class requirements once again have age included). Are you kidding me? No. Parent and Tot they walk around in the water, sign song, and if the class is "good" try kicking sitting on the edge and being encouraged to put their face in. Obsidian was working on holding onto the wall and kicking, climbing out of the water by himself, bobs, alternating arm movements, and the "older" skills. The only person above the main teacher is the aquatic director. So I went in and appealed to her. She agreed to have Obsidian in the preschool class again as long as I signed up for a time that the main teacher wasn't teaching it. Fine. Guess what. Obsidian did fine (except getting cold after 20 minutes, but really that is an issue of the water temperature, air temperature, and his lack of body mass). Unfortunately, the teachers aren't nearly as good (they are all high school students, where as the main teacher taught some of my friends how to swim and the one who wound up teaching Obsidian is in her 20's). I would love to get Pyrope back in main teacher's class. Obsidian however was not exactly nice to her after he heard her saying he was too small (as in he would screech at her "I big. I swim." then spit at her... um, kid that is not really helping your case). I wish she would have looked at Obsidian for who he is and what he can do instead of his size (and to a lesser extent his age, if he had been a big 2 year old, I doubt she would have asked his age). They used to do private lessons, but stopped them. I would be willing to do that with Obsidian (I do understand he is young but at the same time skill wise, socially, and cognitively he does not fit into the baby group). I'm going to see how the remaining lessons go for Pyrope, and if he is learning anything (which the first lesson he didn't from the high schoolers) we will stay with what we have. If not, I'm back to the good fight.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Roll With It
For the most part, I like my job (my work outside the house job). I choose it quickly and mainly for practical reasons that had nothing to do with the job or the environment. My grand plan was if I found I didn't like it there, I would find a different job when it was practical. I've been there for over 5 years now, and generally like it. Since I got pregnant with Obsidian, I have worked 8 hours a month (well with a 9 months of no work thrown in as well). Occasionally 16 hours in a month. For the past 4 weeks, I've been working 20-24 hours a week. No ramping up, just dove into more hours. I had not worked a week day at all prior to the 2nd last week in October since April 2008. I was expecting more of a shock to my system, but it has gone surprisingly smoothly in many ways. However, I'm annoyed with my co-workers. In the past, I've been annoyed with one person or another at various points, but not the multiple people I am right now.
Several weeks ago at work we switched from paper to computerized (mostly, there are a few things we still have to do on paper which is driving me mad at this point as I keep forgetting to do them). This day was my first work week day back. Our field is going to computerized everything. In 10 years, there will be very little work that is purely done on paper is my prediction. It is fairly accepted by everyone that we will be "all computerize" in a similar time frame. A significant number of my co-workers are complaining about this change and how much they hate it and how much more productive they were when using paper. There are some issues with the computer program we are using. Some just being quirks we will learn to live with or navigate around. Some being more serious and will most likely lead to changes in the program. I'm sure it is not the "best" program, but I know I've worked with far worse. I don't see much if any point in endlessly complaining about "going paperless". It was going to happen. It was just a matter of a specific time. So basically whine and complaining gets us no where, we just have to get through this. I try to be understanding of my co-workers. I know I have several advantages. I'm a touch typist (when I was 10, my dad decided that one of the "jobs" I had around the house like doing my homework, clearing the table, folding laundry, exc was to spend 15 minutes per day in a touch typing program until I had the full keyboard at so many wpm, if I didn't do my 15 minutes, I got punished. I hated it and thought it was stupid, by the time I reached high school (to say nothing of college and beyond), I was grateful of that "job"). I've worked at other "paperless" facilities so it isn't really that foreign to me. And most of all, I don't get worked up about things particularly if they are going wrong. I just have the urge to yell "Deal with it!" when people start their rants. Instead I say "Calm down. Slow down. Take a deep breath. Let me see if I can help you." Let me tell you what this does to my productivity.
Another issue has been snippiness between co-workers. A unit is being moved to a different facility. As a consequence, the department that I'm part of is going to have to be split. Some will stay, and some will go with the unit. At first there was tension among the department, then as the process of choosing who was going and who was staying started officially, people got down right mean, rude, and embarrassing to call co-workers because of how they were treating each other. I can't stand back stabbing, and I've seen way too much of it. I have said on occasion that I don't like seeing that behavior and the some comments were completely off base (one co-worker told another that she shouldn't mind working holidays because she "doesn't have any kids"... I can't even tell you how hurtful it was to this person, I know she wants to have kids, it just has not been in the cards for her yet. The only thing I really can say was that at least I spoke up and said how incredibly rude and unprofessional the comment was.). This has made me a target as well. As much as I want the unit to stay at the facility I'm at now, I want the move to be over. Originally it was supposed to be Jan 1, now there are rumors that it won't be until spring.
So with this in mind, I've been toying with the idea of looking for a different job. I don't really want more hours (well the hours are good for now, we did some major home improvements that need to be paid off) and I like how easy it is to come in and do a job I know. But my co-workers are driving me nuts right now. I'm trying to give it time to calm down. Some days I do better than others with convincing myself waiting before deciding is the best choice.
Several weeks ago at work we switched from paper to computerized (mostly, there are a few things we still have to do on paper which is driving me mad at this point as I keep forgetting to do them). This day was my first work week day back. Our field is going to computerized everything. In 10 years, there will be very little work that is purely done on paper is my prediction. It is fairly accepted by everyone that we will be "all computerize" in a similar time frame. A significant number of my co-workers are complaining about this change and how much they hate it and how much more productive they were when using paper. There are some issues with the computer program we are using. Some just being quirks we will learn to live with or navigate around. Some being more serious and will most likely lead to changes in the program. I'm sure it is not the "best" program, but I know I've worked with far worse. I don't see much if any point in endlessly complaining about "going paperless". It was going to happen. It was just a matter of a specific time. So basically whine and complaining gets us no where, we just have to get through this. I try to be understanding of my co-workers. I know I have several advantages. I'm a touch typist (when I was 10, my dad decided that one of the "jobs" I had around the house like doing my homework, clearing the table, folding laundry, exc was to spend 15 minutes per day in a touch typing program until I had the full keyboard at so many wpm, if I didn't do my 15 minutes, I got punished. I hated it and thought it was stupid, by the time I reached high school (to say nothing of college and beyond), I was grateful of that "job"). I've worked at other "paperless" facilities so it isn't really that foreign to me. And most of all, I don't get worked up about things particularly if they are going wrong. I just have the urge to yell "Deal with it!" when people start their rants. Instead I say "Calm down. Slow down. Take a deep breath. Let me see if I can help you." Let me tell you what this does to my productivity.
Another issue has been snippiness between co-workers. A unit is being moved to a different facility. As a consequence, the department that I'm part of is going to have to be split. Some will stay, and some will go with the unit. At first there was tension among the department, then as the process of choosing who was going and who was staying started officially, people got down right mean, rude, and embarrassing to call co-workers because of how they were treating each other. I can't stand back stabbing, and I've seen way too much of it. I have said on occasion that I don't like seeing that behavior and the some comments were completely off base (one co-worker told another that she shouldn't mind working holidays because she "doesn't have any kids"... I can't even tell you how hurtful it was to this person, I know she wants to have kids, it just has not been in the cards for her yet. The only thing I really can say was that at least I spoke up and said how incredibly rude and unprofessional the comment was.). This has made me a target as well. As much as I want the unit to stay at the facility I'm at now, I want the move to be over. Originally it was supposed to be Jan 1, now there are rumors that it won't be until spring.
So with this in mind, I've been toying with the idea of looking for a different job. I don't really want more hours (well the hours are good for now, we did some major home improvements that need to be paid off) and I like how easy it is to come in and do a job I know. But my co-workers are driving me nuts right now. I'm trying to give it time to calm down. Some days I do better than others with convincing myself waiting before deciding is the best choice.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Thankful Thursday
- That I am a touch typist, and that I used to be a fairly good one at that (I just would have to practice more to get my wpm up again)
- This beautiful weather we have been having, Pyrope is still riding his bike to school, which is amazing where we live
- That I'm a person that doesn't mind change. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I don't like change, but for the most part I can roll with it, and in many cases I like change. In particular at work lately I've been reminded that this is not the case for everyone.
- Books. I've been needing escapes lately, and I've had a series (both as in a series by the same author and as well as multiple unrelated books in a row) of good reads lately, and I'm thankful I can get lost in someone else's world so easily.
- My mom. She has really been watching Pyrope and Obsidian a lot lately. Both boys love her and I'm so grateful to know that they are being well cared for while Jet and I are not around.
- To have the chance to hold infants recently. I don't particularly enjoy the infant stage of my own children, but I LOVE holding infants (it is just the not sleeping, crazy hormones, crazy glucose values, recovering from pregnancy, and the complete 24/7ness of newborns/infants I don't enjoy).
- Pyrope and Obsidian love playing pretend as much as they do
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