In the weeks following my sister's engagement, she asked me if I thought there was the potential of the marriage ending in divorce. If I saw any potential challenges to the marriage. She wanted me to tell her then, so if I later told her "I told you so" during a separation she would know if I had truly thought so prior to the marriage.
I was left speechless for a minute. As my answer was trying to find the right words.
First off, I would never say "I told you so." or "I knew it." or any other such phrase to any friend, let alone sibling facing such a challenge. How entirely unhelpful and unsupportive. And what a person would need is empathy and support.
Next, every marriage has its challenges. Every marriage has the potential to end up with separation and/or divorce. Some challenges might have shadows of forewarning. Others, not so much. How willing are you and your partner to spend time on working on your marriage. To make it a healthy one. To ensure you grow together, not drift apart. Or be pushed or driven apart.
I said the above immediately, and with peace. I proceeded with caution. After all, I know her. I know how she can hold words against you. I know how she can take words more personally than intended.
Do I know you well? Yes. Have I listened to your stories of your relationship? Yes. I have meet and watched your chosen partner? Yes. Can I make guesses at where your personalities might clash some? Yes. Can I see some potentially challenging situations that will take hard work? Yes. Does any of this really predict if your marriage with be a healthy and successful in your view? No. I don't see any abuse going on. Or manipulation. Or lying. Or other behaviors that would make me warn you to leave the relationship. I would have long ago had I seen those.
I then asked her to think if she really wanted to hear my specific thoughts. And if she was willing to agree that me voicing them was not me condemning the marriage, or even doubting its ability to survive. Just observations of things that might take work, that might pan out to be challenging. With the idea of every healthy marriage has it challenges and parts that take work. I told her to call me back the next day to answer me if she really wanted to hear my thoughts. And if she would be able to move past the fact I said them.
She did. And I spoke specifics. There was silence. She quickly ended the conversation by saying what I said was nothing like the reasons others told her without her soliciting their advice. That my thoughts were about specific personality traits of both. Of potential real situations in the future. The others had been more about each of their pasts. With that she hung up. She didn't call to talk for 2 weeks. Then started to call and the conversation was never spoken of.
Then a month before her wedding came. I became a target of anger. A blind nonsensical anger that our mother even questioned what I did to incur this wrath. And I'm left wondering, did I strike too close to accurately predicting a challenge?
No matter what. I will never say "I told you so." It is one of the most useless and hurtful phrases that can be spoken when said towards a negative situation.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
But you take care of yourself, right?
Periodically I have the same conversation. It is mostly with acquaintances or strangers. It is sometimes with coworkers or not close family members. Very very rarely with casual friends. Never with close friends. The irony is that, it is those whose least business it is feel the most free to ask me. On the other hand, my close family and friends know.
I can tell how the conversation starts if it has a chance of going 'there'. Sometimes it does, sometimes it goes a different direction.
I have Type 1 diabetes. For nearly 20 years. It is an autoimmune disease. There is nothing I did to cause it, or contribute to developing it. It is often seen at the 'bad type' of diabetes. It is not bad per say. It is a different disease with some similar end results as type 2. It has some different challenges. Some to most type 1's retain some ability to produce very small amounts of insulin because their beta cells regenerate. The large majority of type 1 women who become pregnant significantly increase the amount of insulin they produce themselves. It is never enough to go off insulin, quite the contrary, when you are pregnant you need vastly larger amounts. And then there are those of us that produce no insulin at all. And those of us in that group that become pregnant, an even smaller group still produce an absolute 0.0 even while pregnant. The people in that final group are at particularly high risk of developing complications (both during and after pregnancies). Men are the same in that there are a small group of men that produce no insulin. And even a smaller group of men that seem more prone to get complications than others with type 1. I participated in studies for both of my pregnancies. I am in the very small group that produces an absolute 0.0. This virtually guarantees I will get complications. And those complications will be more severe.
I also have another autoimmune disease. And have been slowly developing a 3rd, it is more of a question of when I will cross the clinical threshold to officially have that diagnosis. It will come.
Periodically, my health becomes more precarious than other times. For the last 6 weeks, that has been the case. I've been hospitalized and gone through a series of outpatient appointments and procedures. Some days I've felt like absolute crap, but apart from the days that I was hospitalized or banned from driving for medical reasons, only those who are close to me have any idea. Life goes on, and I go on living it. Just with added complications and tasks on my to do lists.
But then there is the casual acquaintance who starts to ask me about my diabetes. And then turns to the 'but you take care of yourself so you don't have any complications, right?' I do try to take care of myself. Very hard. Even when medical professionals accuse me otherwise. But am I 'healthy'? Do I have 'complications'? How exactly are you judging me by these measures? Do you have any idea how the cards are stacked against me? And on top of this, why do you feel it is okay to ask such a personal question?
I can tell how the conversation starts if it has a chance of going 'there'. Sometimes it does, sometimes it goes a different direction.
I have Type 1 diabetes. For nearly 20 years. It is an autoimmune disease. There is nothing I did to cause it, or contribute to developing it. It is often seen at the 'bad type' of diabetes. It is not bad per say. It is a different disease with some similar end results as type 2. It has some different challenges. Some to most type 1's retain some ability to produce very small amounts of insulin because their beta cells regenerate. The large majority of type 1 women who become pregnant significantly increase the amount of insulin they produce themselves. It is never enough to go off insulin, quite the contrary, when you are pregnant you need vastly larger amounts. And then there are those of us that produce no insulin at all. And those of us in that group that become pregnant, an even smaller group still produce an absolute 0.0 even while pregnant. The people in that final group are at particularly high risk of developing complications (both during and after pregnancies). Men are the same in that there are a small group of men that produce no insulin. And even a smaller group of men that seem more prone to get complications than others with type 1. I participated in studies for both of my pregnancies. I am in the very small group that produces an absolute 0.0. This virtually guarantees I will get complications. And those complications will be more severe.
I also have another autoimmune disease. And have been slowly developing a 3rd, it is more of a question of when I will cross the clinical threshold to officially have that diagnosis. It will come.
Periodically, my health becomes more precarious than other times. For the last 6 weeks, that has been the case. I've been hospitalized and gone through a series of outpatient appointments and procedures. Some days I've felt like absolute crap, but apart from the days that I was hospitalized or banned from driving for medical reasons, only those who are close to me have any idea. Life goes on, and I go on living it. Just with added complications and tasks on my to do lists.
But then there is the casual acquaintance who starts to ask me about my diabetes. And then turns to the 'but you take care of yourself so you don't have any complications, right?' I do try to take care of myself. Very hard. Even when medical professionals accuse me otherwise. But am I 'healthy'? Do I have 'complications'? How exactly are you judging me by these measures? Do you have any idea how the cards are stacked against me? And on top of this, why do you feel it is okay to ask such a personal question?
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Quiet victories
As I look on Facebook, friend's post about how their child got a perfect score on a test. Or has a 98% for the entire semester.
On Friday as I was walking in at the end of the day to close the book fairs financial books, one of Pyrope's teachers told me how Pyrope got a 90% on his spelling/grammer/phonics test. Granted it is a 2nd grade test and he is in 3rd, but that is what he is taking this year and he has never come close to a 90% before. It was rare that he got above a 70%, with extra supports. The 90% is him being in a class with 'just' the regular ed teacher, mainly 2nd graders (a couple other 3rd graders that are behind), and him. No extra support. So a 90% is something that was very hard to get.
Then as I was walking to get something from my car, another teacher stopped me. Pyrope was able to finish a 13 page math test (don't ask me what I think about giving ANY 8 year old a 13 page test of any kind). He did have extended time, but he was able to finish it all. This is an accomplishment in itself. This math test was the test that the regular education kids were given. He got a 71% (you need a 70% to consider to pass). Up until last spring, he was not in regular education at all for math. But he was doing fantastically well in the remedial math, 95%. However, this was at a slower pace and not covering all topics. At my pushing, he was put into regular education math, with some pull out tutoring. His grade plummeted to a 69%. However, no one, myself included, really thought he was even going to do that well. It was a very pleasant surprise to all of us. This year, it is being attempted to have an 'inclusion' math instruction. Meaning his resource room teacher team teaches with his regular education teacher. But it is the same material (for the most part). And it is working.
I don't measure success by the same measuring stick that others do. Nor do I have the easiest time to express why a 71% and a 90% on tests that were given the same day are such an accomplishment. But he knows. And I know. And his teachers know. And God knows. And that is enough.
On Friday as I was walking in at the end of the day to close the book fairs financial books, one of Pyrope's teachers told me how Pyrope got a 90% on his spelling/grammer/phonics test. Granted it is a 2nd grade test and he is in 3rd, but that is what he is taking this year and he has never come close to a 90% before. It was rare that he got above a 70%, with extra supports. The 90% is him being in a class with 'just' the regular ed teacher, mainly 2nd graders (a couple other 3rd graders that are behind), and him. No extra support. So a 90% is something that was very hard to get.
Then as I was walking to get something from my car, another teacher stopped me. Pyrope was able to finish a 13 page math test (don't ask me what I think about giving ANY 8 year old a 13 page test of any kind). He did have extended time, but he was able to finish it all. This is an accomplishment in itself. This math test was the test that the regular education kids were given. He got a 71% (you need a 70% to consider to pass). Up until last spring, he was not in regular education at all for math. But he was doing fantastically well in the remedial math, 95%. However, this was at a slower pace and not covering all topics. At my pushing, he was put into regular education math, with some pull out tutoring. His grade plummeted to a 69%. However, no one, myself included, really thought he was even going to do that well. It was a very pleasant surprise to all of us. This year, it is being attempted to have an 'inclusion' math instruction. Meaning his resource room teacher team teaches with his regular education teacher. But it is the same material (for the most part). And it is working.
I don't measure success by the same measuring stick that others do. Nor do I have the easiest time to express why a 71% and a 90% on tests that were given the same day are such an accomplishment. But he knows. And I know. And his teachers know. And God knows. And that is enough.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Preparation
Today marks the beginning of a new school year. This school year is the first time both boys start on the same day. Preschoolers and kindergarteners start after the rest of the kids go back. This last week has been full of a multitude of tasks to hopefully make the transition and the school year go smoother. The usual school supplies. New glasses for both boys (Pyrope is forever misplacing his and Obsidian's were always sliding down his nose). Emails to their teachers regarding various points of their IEPs. A meeting with 2 of Pyrope's teachers. Various tasks for the PTA to get the year going.
As I was at the school for Pyrope's meeting, I stopped and talked with two of Obsidian's teachers. They thanked me for the email I sent, as they did not receive a copy of his IEP until this morning. I walked away very disturbed by this fact. Obsidian has educational challenges, however what I was disturb with was my email was only in regard to the medical aspects of his IEP. To have his teachers not know about his medical needs up until the day before they are in charge of his well being for 7.5 hours a day, is worrisome. Very worrisome. I'm aware that there has not been any 'issues' with Obsidian at school. Although many (including school district staff) attribute that to being proactive and not letting things get to that point. Obsidian has heat intolerance, it is very hot right now. Obsidian has fasting intolerance and can not participate in very active play unless he has had a snack (and recess is before lunch), nor can he go more than 3 hours without eating (lunch is over by 12:30, school doesn't let out until 3:55). He has occasional episodes of hypoglycemia. All very important 'details' to know about a kid in your care. To not have your employer tell you about this until less than a day before... when I'm sure they have other things on their 'must do' list?
This is why I'm always so involved. Involved in ways that my boys don't necessarily see. Just trying to set the stage so they can be healthy and live up to their potential....
As I was at the school for Pyrope's meeting, I stopped and talked with two of Obsidian's teachers. They thanked me for the email I sent, as they did not receive a copy of his IEP until this morning. I walked away very disturbed by this fact. Obsidian has educational challenges, however what I was disturb with was my email was only in regard to the medical aspects of his IEP. To have his teachers not know about his medical needs up until the day before they are in charge of his well being for 7.5 hours a day, is worrisome. Very worrisome. I'm aware that there has not been any 'issues' with Obsidian at school. Although many (including school district staff) attribute that to being proactive and not letting things get to that point. Obsidian has heat intolerance, it is very hot right now. Obsidian has fasting intolerance and can not participate in very active play unless he has had a snack (and recess is before lunch), nor can he go more than 3 hours without eating (lunch is over by 12:30, school doesn't let out until 3:55). He has occasional episodes of hypoglycemia. All very important 'details' to know about a kid in your care. To not have your employer tell you about this until less than a day before... when I'm sure they have other things on their 'must do' list?
This is why I'm always so involved. Involved in ways that my boys don't necessarily see. Just trying to set the stage so they can be healthy and live up to their potential....
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Passing
Early in US history, there was a phenomena known as 'passing'. This was when an African American presented themselves as a white person to be allowed to have the rights of a white person.
Currently, 'passing' is becoming an used phrase again. But for an entirely different group of people, people with disabilities. Mainly people with autism, but all sort of people particularly with neurological disabilities are involved with this new, very-different-but-not round of 'passing'.
Neither Pyrope or Obsidian are considered neuro-typicals. Pyrope carries the autism diagnosis. Obsidian does not have an 'official' diagnosis, yet, but it is agreed it has neurological effects. I have never allowed their challenges or differences be an excuse. Partly as an extension of this, they want and try to be like their neuro-typical peers. They try to 'pass' as 'normal'. Yet, they aren't. And sometimes, they just can't. Then I'm stuck watching them fail and get in trouble over something they simply can not do that their peers can. I'm okay (not happy, but okay and for the most part accepting) with watching them fail. It is life. But watching them get yelled at and in trouble for something their bodies or minds simply can not do, drives me crazy. When do I interfere? When do I simply watch and offer comfort and advice? When do I explain while for a large part of the time they can 'pass' but sometimes they can't. And they need help. How do you teach a child, or anyone, when to try to come up with ways to compensate for your challenges, and when to offer a simple "I'm not able." because you aren't?
Currently, 'passing' is becoming an used phrase again. But for an entirely different group of people, people with disabilities. Mainly people with autism, but all sort of people particularly with neurological disabilities are involved with this new, very-different-but-not round of 'passing'.
Neither Pyrope or Obsidian are considered neuro-typicals. Pyrope carries the autism diagnosis. Obsidian does not have an 'official' diagnosis, yet, but it is agreed it has neurological effects. I have never allowed their challenges or differences be an excuse. Partly as an extension of this, they want and try to be like their neuro-typical peers. They try to 'pass' as 'normal'. Yet, they aren't. And sometimes, they just can't. Then I'm stuck watching them fail and get in trouble over something they simply can not do that their peers can. I'm okay (not happy, but okay and for the most part accepting) with watching them fail. It is life. But watching them get yelled at and in trouble for something their bodies or minds simply can not do, drives me crazy. When do I interfere? When do I simply watch and offer comfort and advice? When do I explain while for a large part of the time they can 'pass' but sometimes they can't. And they need help. How do you teach a child, or anyone, when to try to come up with ways to compensate for your challenges, and when to offer a simple "I'm not able." because you aren't?
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