The numbers are rising

For many types of cancer, doctors look at specific values in blood draws to gauge if the cancer is progressing, staying the same, or going into remission.  The blood draws and the hopes for "good" numbers each time is a nerve wracking process.

When my dad had his surgery for cancer, the markers they were looking for went to 0.  And stayed there 6 months.  Month 7 showed a slight rise.  A week later showed it wasn't a lab error.  6 weeks later, he passed away.  I know that most of the time the results aren't that quick and dramatic.  But I have lived through when they were for a family member.

When my MIL had her first surgery for cancer last spring, the marker that they were looking at for her did not particularly drop.  It was not that surprising.  She still had a type of cancer that had not yet been removed.  In July, what was initially told as a successful surgery to remove the other unrelated cancer turned on a dime as she was being released as the surgeon stated that the detailed pathology reports showed that she had another cancer, ovarian.  This was not picked up in the prior testing or even during the surgery.  Another surgery would be needed.  Not that surprisingly, the markers for cancer still did not go down.  They were continuing to slowly rise.  After the surgery in November, the numbers leveled off, but did not drop.  She put off starting chemo until late January.  The markers had started to rise again by that point.  With the initiation of chemo, the numbers started to hold steady.  Before round 4, they came down a little.  Then, before her most recent round (#5), they were showing to rise.  Not even hold steady, but rise.  Despite the chemo that was supposed to be eradicating the cancer.

My MIL did not ask if this event is going to cause the doctor to revise the course of action.  Or her prognosis as a whole.  Both Jet and I have a feeling it makes her prognosis worse, but don't want to completely verbalize it as when Jet has questioned her she has not asked her doctors about this and does not intent on it.

It is hard watching a parent (or anyone close) to go through cancer.  To me, it is even more maddening to have someone is so unclear about what her prognosis is, what test results mean, and what are the options.  Not to mention a realistic view or ideas or plans for the future.  Jet takes this aspect of it better than I do.  I want to know what the honest prognosis is, not some half details that only give a partial image of what is known by her doctors.  If she was choosing to not share what she knows with us, it would be easier for me.  But she doesn't know.  And is unwilling to ask to learn more (if the doctors want her to know something, they will tell her is her philosophy)

But these are her choices.  Jet will talk to her on the phone.  He will go up to help and visit when he is wanted.  When she wants or feels up to seeing the kids, all of us will do a road trip up.  We will pray.  We will help as she accepts or wants it.  And we pray.

Cross the line

As kids, there were many catch phrases.  One that keeps coming back to me is "Don't cross the line".  My brother that is 2.5 years younger than me (DB1), frequently heard this.  My dad was always saying how DB1 "always has to test where the line is".

I think DB1 has crossed a line with me.  Now I have thought he has crossed this line in the past, and maybe he has, but I have forgiven him and gone back to our old patterns.  Typically with some period of peace between when he crosses the line again.

This particular line is the time he spends with my siblings, my mom (and dad before he passed), and I.  Since he has been dating his now wife (I think it is around the 15 year mark), this has been an issue.  There was the birthday I choose to go to her favorite restaurant so she would join us, so DB1 would join us.  This might seem odd, but 4 days prior to my birthday, DB3 has his birthday.  DB1 told my family he didn't come to DB3's birthday because we were having food his then girlfriend (now wife) didn't like.  DB3 was upset.  He wanted to see DB1 (keeping in mind this was probably his 5th or 6th birthday... I don't care what DB3 choose, he was a little kid, come!  If you really don't like the food, don't eat.)  So for my birthday, I asked if we went to her favorite restaurant, if he (and she, because if she didn't come, he wouldn't) would come.  He said yes.  We waited for 1.5 hours at our house for them so we could go.  I finally called.  They changed their minds, they weren't coming.  I was ticked.  We had take out Chinese as no one felt like much at that point.  I didn't have much to do with him for the next 15 months, until my mother asked for her Christmas present from me to her that I start interacting with DB1 again.  I did. There have been a series of similar incidents.  There was also a period of a year that we got together at least weekly.  I thought we were past our extreme issues of that nature.  Then there was a major incident a couple of Christmas' ago.  And another series of smaller incidents.  Recently there have been other issues with DB1 and his wife.  I talked  here about some of my other issues with them.

At the beginning of April, I called and left a message asking about Easter plans.  No reply.  So I start to plan to have Easter dinner at my house.  Tuesday of Holy Week (I didn't talk to my mom on Monday as it was the day taxes are due, and she is a tax preparer) I come to find out DB1 is having Easter dinner at his house.  He has invited my mother, and asked her to invite DB2 (who lives locally) and DB3 and my sister (sis) if they are going to be here that day (although he only invited her the Sunday before Easter as she was trying to finish his taxes for him.  This year he did good, he didn't wait until the LAST day, just the day before the last day.  And as usual asked Mom for help.  That last week is crazy for her at work.  I would never ask her that week.)  DB3 and sis were not here.  Good Friday was not the best of days for me, and I left a snarky message on his answering machine (I had called on Wednesday asking him if he was coming, that message was neutral).  He called me at 8 pm on Holy Saturday telling me he wasn't going to come on Easter.  And that he didn't know how to reply to what day(s) would be good this summer to get together with our cousins and uncle who have not even got a chance to meet his son (although they were invited to the baby shower, but that is a different rant of how rude I find that).  He said that he doesn't have much planned, so he would come if he could.  I asked when he couldn't come, he replied that he didn't know, that I should just choose a date with my cousins.  But it is a good idea to get together, he hasn't seen them in years.  At that point I made some excuse to end the conversation.

I'm done.  I sent him an email saying that unless he makes some effort to be a part of my life and my kids lives, I'm done.  I have tried for years.  I hated that my mom and DB2 had to juggle coming to my house and his house.  (My mother is so ticked at him for mainly other reasons, but this didn't help her attitude towards him, she spent a good part of the day with my family.  Played with my kids until it was time for them to have their bath, then went to his house.  DB2 really wanted to see our nephew, so he came and saw my kids before their nap.)  This is not the first time this scenario has occurred.  As I was putting the kids to bed on Easter, I came to the conclusion, I will plan holiday family dinners.  If he has chosen to be active in my life, I will include DB1.  If not, I'm not.  If he happens to choose the same day (which most of the time he only asks a couple days in advance), I'll move my dinner.  Not for DB1 sake, but for the rest of my family.  I could have made the meal for Saturday, then Mom and DB2 could have done both.  Neither of them was comfortable with having to choose.  I don't blame them.  I don't want them to have to. 

Before when I have made decisions to be done with DB1, I have been upset with no sense of peace about my choice or my actions.  This time was different.  I calmly wrote my email and went to bed.  I would have tried to call, but it isn't really a message I want to leave on an answering machine.  I would stop by his house (he lives less than 6 miles away), but he wants me to call and make sure it is okay before I stop by.  But he never answers his phone.  So I don't go.  So I'm left with email.  I briefly wondered if I should wait 24 hours before I clicked send.  But then I clicked.  And I've been fine with it.  There has been a sense of peace about what I'm doing.  My actions feel like the right course.  I don't find myself second guessing if this is what I should do, or I really want to be doing.

He crossed the line.  And I'm done.

Thankful Thursday

• I saw sun this week.  Briefly.  But I happily soaked up every minute of it I could
• The weather was warm enough for shorts this week
• Our basement did not flood again.  I'm hoping this continues.  It has been the wettest April since they started recording stats.  Does this mean there will be a record number of flowers this May?
• 3 weeks left of preschool for Pyrope.  He did very well this year.  His teacher commented today that it is hard to believe he is the same child that started in the fall.
• Obsidian can now open any door in the house on his own.  When Pyrope gained this skill, it was before he was a year and a half.  I did not like it so much.  At 2 months shy of his 3rd birthday, I'm glad Obsidian is now at that point.
• That I only have 2 more events for the committee I'm chair of this year (our year goes from July to July).  It has been a pain in many regards and I'm ready to move on to my next roles.  I'm ready for something new/different.
• I found a summer set of glow-the-dark jammies for both Pyrope and Obsidian.  They were sad that the winter ones were being packed away.  On top of that, I found guitar jammies for Pyrope.  He loves loves loves guitars right now.
• I'm just thankful I have summer jammies for Pyrope.  Let me just say the ones from last fall did not exactly fit when I tried to put them on this week.
• That I have some really pretty flower in my yard.  I think it is a bulb.  I'm fairly sure I planted it.  Must ask my mother what it is.

Wordless Wednesday

Continuing the unexpected

The question of accepting guardianship of our friends kids if anything should happen to both of them was surprising to me.  Really, Jet's reaction was as unexpected, at least in how quickly he made up his mind and how confident he sounded about it.  Or maybe more so it was I that was hesitating.

After a brief discussion of some of the logistics and why we are the choice, Jet simply said yes.  He had no problem with telling them yes, and if it were to happen to finish raising their kids.  He then asked what my view of it was.  When I told him my specific concerns, his response was short, simple, and to the point.  We would make it work.  Everyone would adjust.  It would be hard, but we could do it.  And should if the need arises.

So that is it.  A simple answer.  A promise that I hope I don't have to follow through on, but I will if I need to.

Completely unexpected

Early last week I received a phone call from a friend.  I'm not sure to categorize her as a "close" friend or not.  When I initially met her, I somewhat thought we would become close.  However, the more I've got to know her, the more I don't "get" some of her actions and decisions.  Her underlying beliefs and views on many subjects are close to mine, but her inconsistencies I just don't understand.  Or some of her methods for expressing her beliefs and views.  Maybe her idiosyncrasies are the best way to describe why I just don't feel that close.  I was recently thinking about friendships and how we naturally drift away from people, and she specifically came to mind, and I thought that in the next 5-10 years, I bet we will drift apart and she will no longer be in my life.

I need to back up a little bit.  This friend has 3 boys.  One will be 8 in August, one will be 6 next month, and the baby is 5 months old.  The older two have some medical issues.  These issues require a very controlled diet, that at times is difficult.  The kids are homeschooled and do not have a lot of interaction with other kids.  Being honest, when I have seen them in groups of other kids, for the most part they are significantly older and they seem to struggle of how to interact.  My friend has mentioned how she needs to start to work on this in the next year or two.  She has also mentioned the fact that her kids don't like playing with other kids for the most part because other kids are too rough and not well behaved.  However, they love playing with my kids because they are "nice".  Personally, I don't see my kids as super well behaved.  They definitely like rough housing, particularly Pyrope.  My kids aren't mean, but they aren't angels by any stretch of the imagination.  What my kids have more than other kids (in my opinion) is to initiate trying to bring others into the play.  If one or two children are hanging around the edges, watch what is happening, or not talking in the conversation, one of my kids will try to lead them into playing or ask them a question to bring them into the conversation.  They both do it well, especially Pyrope at this point (I think mainly because he is 2 years older and just has more skills in general at this point but also because of his very sweet nature).  For Pyrope, this is something that was taught.  For Obsidian, it is something that was innately part of him or he picked up from me teaching Pyrope.  So her kids ask to play with mine.  My kids have fun with hers, but they are not requested or come up in conversations.  My kids interact with a lot of different kids (and adults).  Hers don't.

Back to the phone call.  I immediately knew from her voice when she said her name, that this was not going to be a typical conversation.  I couldn't quite figure out her... mood or really where this was going to go.  She started with "I have a question for you."  Which is not that unusual for her to start a conversation with that phrase.  I was slightly apprehensive because I knew something was out of the ordinary but I was not getting a sense of what.  If it was a positive or a negative thing.  She then launched into how this question was something for me and Jet to talk about and pray about, if I agreed to ask Jet.  I was getting really curious at this point where this was going, because I truly did not have a clue.  She seemed to be having a hard time figuring out how to even ask me what I was supposed to considering asking Jet, for us to then think, talk, and pray about.  Then it came.

Would Jet and I take care of their children if something happened to both of them?

As she then launched into details about finances, life insurance, health insurance, and other significant details I was only barely able to listen.  This was not a question I was remotely expecting to be asked.  My mind was temporarily jammed.  I got the very basics of the financial aspects she was going through but I was not processing things so well at that point.  By the time she got around to why she and her husband decided to ask us, I had recovered well enough absorb what she was saying.  All of the thoughts that were rolling in my head for the rest of the day were overwhelming.  I thought of this blog.  A space for me to gather and distill my thoughts.  A place to try to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling without another's influence.  Those were among the top reasons I started it.  I kept coming back to the thought that I needed to digest and think about this before I even bring it up to Jet.

The chances of something happening to both of them are slim.  Very slim.  But it can and does happen.  I know the majority of parents, do not set up something specific in case of that event.  Jet and I have, we just recently changed ours (another post, or few posts).  When we first got married, we talked about how if anything happened to my parents, that I would have responsibility of my siblings that were under 18.  He said "Of course".  When my dad was diagnosed with his cancer, we knew that we would be moving back to the area where my parents lived to help with not just my parents but the raising of my siblings.  There was talk of me immediately returning, and Jet to follow later.  It was seriously considered (I stayed with Jet, until the need was too great for me to be back, but that happened 9 months later, and he joined me 3 months after that).  We have talked about if anything happened to his sister, how we would take responsibility for his nieces.  So the idea and the conversation is not completely foreign to us.  However I did not (and I'm guessing Jet as well) did not see the possibility of being asked that for a family that are new friends (under a year).  And in all honesty, not that close to us.  If it was family, the answer would be yes.  With no hesitation, and little thought.  We would make it work if we needed to.  Very close family friends, the same (the only two families that I would categorize as such, have others that would become their children's guardians).  This is different.  They are friends, but not that close.  There is hesitation.  And a lot of thought.  Lots and lots of thought.  And prayer.  And discussion.  With some more thought and prayer.

I do understand their reasoning for asking us.  For choosing us.  The reasons are both humbling and ego boosting.

The idea of potentially having a minimum of 5 sons with an age range of a little over 7 years is daunting.  The door is not completely shut for Jet and I having another child.  He doesn't want another, but nothing has been done to permanently prevent it from happening.  And I still feel that 3 children is my destiny.  Our friends openly say how they hope God blesses them with more.

The main reason Jet does not want more is the extra activity and chaos another person in the house would create.  The chaos of bringing at least 3 boys, 2 with medical issues (that the 3rd might have as well, but he has not been tested for yet), that have been up until that point raised in a different house, that would have some serious emotional issues at that point due to the circumstances of them become part of our household concerns me how Jet would react.  I think if he choose to accept that, he would make it.  The majority of the chaos would be on my plate.  My whole plate for a period of years would be simply raising our children and theirs.  My limited time for activities of my choosing would be virtually eliminated.  My plans for taking a photography class, cake decorating class, possibly a quilting or knitting class (or group), getting my MBA, or a specialization certification for my job would be on long term hold.  Blending their children into our different ways of discipline (and they are large and significant, we pretty much have the same rules and standards, but how we react to negative behaviors in particular is vastly different) would be my problem.  Finishing their kids education would become my problem.  Jet would help, but it would be my decisions, my choices for the most part.

As I think all of this through.  The basic thoughts that keep forming are

1. This would really not be something I would elect or choose to do
2. This would be very hard and drastically change the our family fabric
3. God told us to take care of the widows and orphans.  Not the widows and orphans that are related to us, but widows and orphans in general.  As an active Christian, I need to follow this command when called upon.
4. Their reasons for asking us over others they know are sound reasons.  From what I understand, I do see how our family would be the first choice.
5. I don't want to think about the amount of food I would go through in a day, much less a week for a certain number of years.
6. At the end of all conversations I have with God about this, I come to the same answer.  It would not be the easy thing to do, but it would be the right thing to do (morally).  Their kids and ours would adjust.  So would Jet and I.

Now to tell, discuss, and pray with Jet over the issue....

Thankful Thursday

• That spring has to be coming.  I have bulbs coming out.  It has not snowed in a week (it has been cold enough, but it hasn't precipitated at those times).  We will be outside soon.
• Our plans for the summer are coming together.  And we are taking a vacation.  Part of it will be alone.  Which has not happened since Pyrope was 15 months old.  Part of it friends will be joining us.  Which will be fun as well.
• Pyrope is doing so well learning how to read.
• Obsidian's objections to his daily shots now consist of stating "No shot today" when I announce it is time to get into jammies.  No crying.  Rarely a whimper.  Just the nightly statement.  I wish we didn't have to, but I will be grateful if it turns out that he has one of the very few forms of dwarfism that has a treatment that is more than a reaction to complications.  I'm grateful he has adjusted so quickly, and really is accepting of it.
• Farmers' Markets.  The one that sells my lemon cheese reopens this coming Saturday.  There is going to be a new one much closer to my house, but it doesn't start until late May.  If the lemon cheese people are there, I might be in trouble.
• There is not supposed to be any thunderstorms today.  This is a first for 5 days.  My kids aren't afraid of thunderstorms, but it puts them into a funk.  A serious funk.  Don't ask about Friday and the weekend.
• 3 more weeks of ice skating then we are done for the summer.  I don't know why, but that is the lesson that is most tedious for me to take my kids to.  If Pyrope didn't love it so much, I would so not be doing it.
• That I started a blog.  Writing, or even preparing in my head what I would like to write, is comforting.  Particularly for complex issues that I don't know what exactly my view is, or how or who I would like to discuss it with in real life.

Wordless Wednesday

Merits of difficulty

I am a person who likes a challenge.  If I can not do something on the first try, or the fifth try, it doesn't stop me.  I don't mind hard work.  I like it.  I like a challenge.  Obsidian is very similar to me in that way.

Then there is Pyrope.  And Jet.  And the family culture that Jet grew up in.  If it is hard, they don't like it.  A significant amount of the time, they don't try or work to improve their abilities.  I remember giving my niece an "I Spy" book.  I was asked if I could return it and get a different book by my SIL (my niece didn't even realize what it was at that point) because "Those books are so hard, I can't do them.  I don't even want to try to help her."  Growing up, if something was hard, all it really meant was our parents expected, or rather demanded, we try harder to gain more skills in that area.

The first time I really did battle with Pyrope over his lack of trying for doing something that was difficult was riding his two wheeler last spring.  I had been aware that he did not like, and really actively avoided, trying to do anything that was difficult for him to do.  He was ready to learn how to ride a two wheeler.  He had the basic skills.  However, when I tried to teach him, he started crying and saying it was hard and that he just would ride his tricycle because it was easy.  He sat on the grass and refused to try.  I then took away his tricycle.  In protest, he would ride his bike 4-5 feet and then just stop pedaling and put his feet on the ground (he rarely fell, I could probably count the times he hit the ground when he was learning how to ride).  And then cry it was harder than a tricycle so he didn't want to try.  I would give him a specific distance he had to try, and if he was not trying, we would repeat that distance until he tried the whole time.  Within 3 days, he was riding his bike with only a push to start.  In a week, he was riding on his own.  Pyrope was over the top happy and proud of this.  Not to mention he loves to ride a bike.  You can do a lot more on a bike than you can on a tricycle.  During the first couple days of Pyrope and my battle, Jet was of the opinion to just let him ride the tricycle.  For me, it wasn't the skill itself, but the idea of just taking the easy way out.

Recently, Pyrope started to show a real interest, and has the basic prerequisite skills, to learning how to read.  So I started to use a program to teach him about a month ago.  This program is a fairly well researched and developed program that has 100 lessons that build on each other.  Theoretically, this program has long term positive effects on reading and academic performance.

It is going well, and it is going terribly.

It is going well in regards to Pyrope's progress.  He is learning a lot, the difference is very noticeable to those who are around him.  My mom  and Jet are the ones who seem to notice it the most.  I don't notice it as much as I am the one doing the teaching, so I see the progress in such small increments, it is hard to see how far he has come in the last month.  He is so excited about reading on his own.  It is now a routine occurrence to find him in a room by himself trying to read a book.  He never did that before.  He liked reading before, but never showed an interest in doing it for himself.  Even to get him to look at a book without you reading it was hard.  Now, he does it all of the time, all day long. 

It is going terribly in the sense that each time we get to the current difficult task he cries.  (Which the difficult task of even a week ago is now easy, but as one thing gets easy, the next step is added.  By the point the task is very easy it is dropped.)  When I say he cries, he would say he "cries and cries and cries", that is probably a more accurate description.  He starts with telling me it is hard so he doesn't want to do it.  Then he tries to tell me that I'm hurting his feelings so we should stop.  Then he goes back to crying.  Then he tells me he is mad at me and that I'm not his friend (my reply is no, I'm your mother).  I sit with him until he stops crying and tries.  And we practice until he completes the task.  At some point, usually a day or two into the new task, he has an "Ah ha!" moment.  Something clicks, and he "gets" the task.  The pride, joy, and excitement he has each time is amazing to watch.  The new skill is then shown to Daddy, Grandma, and whoever else captures his whimsy to tell in the next day or two. We might even get through a lesson or two with no tears.

Still, I know that if not in today's reading lesson, then tomorrow or the next day's, he will be crying and begging to not try, because it is "hard" and "hurts his feelings".  All I have are my words that not everything in life is easy, that we need to try to do hard things, that there are great benefits to learning how to read, how happy and proud he is when he learns something new, and ultimately, it is not his choice to quit.  He can choose to sit and cry about it, but he will be not playing and doing things he wants to do until he does his lesson for the day. 

Jet's view of this is interesting.  In the beginning, he was somewhat leery of this whole exercise.  Pyrope is not old enough that we are required to teach him this skill (or for him to be hopefully taught it in school).  Pyrope is not one to like a challenge.  On the other hand, even a few days into it, Jet saw the pride and joy that the new skills were giving Pyrope.  And an air of confidence that really has spilled over into other areas.  He is now of the philosophy I should continue with the lessons and that I should preserve with the lessons because in addition to teaching him reading skills, it is working on instilling the value and merits of trying to do something that is difficult.  But Jet says he could never teach Pyrope.  As it would be too hard.

Wordless Wednesday

Thankful Thursday

• we are finally beginning to have more spring like days and less days with snow or temperatures that never rise above freezing
• Obsidian screen for the schools is done.  He does not qualify with the 2 year old standards, he is close enough to qualify for the 3 year old standards she is recommending to have him screened again in August.  My goal was (before he turned a year old) that he wouldn't need any services by the time he was 3.  He is close.  He is still delayed gross motor wise, but he is close to being considered to not have a "educational disability"  (Um, don't ask about the cognitive portion, my dear child (and I do mean mine as it is something I would have done as a child, but Jet never would have) failed the 2 year old cognitive part as he was playing games but passed the 3 year old screen without missing a single item (until he refused to participate))
• 10 years ago today I met Jet.  I spent the night in an ethics class.  One of the topics (which came up several times) was how/why it was unethical to date a student you are supervising.  In our dating and early marriage, this was an issue for us that we had to be mindful of (although when we were both in the same workplace, people were amazed to find out that we knew each other much less were dating outside of work).
• that I really like Pyrope and Obsidian's pediatrician.  It really does mean a lot to have someone I really like in that position.
• that I had nothing better to do for 2 hours on Saturday morning other than to go to the toy store and let the kids do whatever they wanted to.   And for my Nook to keep me amused.  I can only look at Thomas trains and Hot Wheels so long (which is significantly a shorter time than my kids).
• that our family vacation is booked.  Last year, we weren't able to take one.  The year before we spent it visiting with family (which is fine).  This year, we have 7 nights, in a rustic cabin (i.e. it has 4 walls, a roof, a set of bunk beds, a double bed with a bunk over it, and electricity... no water, no toilet, no refrigerator) that is close to a large train museum.  Read previous statement of I'm glad I have my Nook.  It is coming fully loaded.  All will be happy.
• I'm taking Pyrope to his first synchronized swimming show this weekend.  I'm thinking he will like watching it.
• Pyrope is doing well with the reading lessons we have been doing.
• Obsidian swam for the first time just using a noodle without anyone touching him (his teacher was a hand's breadth away, but she was not touching him)
• to see the joy of Pyrope and Obsidian seeing the Cars from the Cars movie.  And the sense of amusement I got from taking pictures of people and couples in their 60's-70's with their camera phones so they could text them to their grandkids (it amuses me to see older people fully embrace technology, I don't have a camera phone, but senior after senior did... and were using them)

Wordless Wednesday