At my job, I have a fair amount of 'paperwork'. This paperwork is all done on computers. It is rare that I use a paper for anything other than notes to myself for when I get to a computer (no, I do not have my own, I just have to find an unoccupied one and use it).
I was finishing up my work. It was late, I should have already been gone. Several things that should have been routine wound up not. Whenever this happens, it creates more paperwork. Which means I wind up staying late. I enjoy the 'not routine', but having that much not routine in one day had left me tired and wanting to just finish up and go home. I had no interest in talking to anyone. Most times, there is no one to talk to.
I was just about done, less than 5 minutes and I would have been gone. A coworker came in. She asked if she could tell me something when I had a chance. I said that was fine, expecting her to start talking as I was typing. I quickly realized, that what she was going to say was personal. I sat for a minute, wishing to just continue my typing. And then I did what I should do. I asked if she could wait 2 minutes so I could finish and give her my undivided attention. And she waited, and I actively listened while she talked to me.
I knew I was doing the right thing as I was doing it. I have been thinking about what I did, and how much it is not being done in the current times. It is too easy to continue typing and 'clicking' through screens while others are trying to tell us something. Important things that mean a lot to them. Our cell phones and tablets are too easy to play with, or check messages.
There was nothing in the conversation that I needed to focus on that wouldn't allow me to continue typing, or using my phone, or whatever other technology. But it was something important to her. And she, and others trying to really express themselves, need undivided attention. We are all that important.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Attitude of Choices
I've entered into a season of reflection. I have an awareness that the direction of my life is about to change. How and what direction are unknown. Choices will need to be made that are going to greatly impact not just me, but my whole family. I think as a consequence of this, I find myself reflecting on what I like, and what I don't, and what I wish I had, and what I'm grateful to have. I find myself thinking, if I have a better understanding of the past and the present, it will somehow help me decide what to make the future.
When Pyrope was 10 weeks old, I met my best friend. Her daughter, A, was 5 weeks old at the time. As we grew closer, so did Pyrope and A. Then I had Obsidian, and 4 months later, she had her 2nd daughter, B. Likewise, the two of them grew up together.
Initially, our parenting was very similar. In someways, it still is similar. Our underlying morals and ethics, and what we want to teach our children is very similar. As time has gone on, how we go about doing this has started to look different. Sometimes it looks very different. Periodically, I have found myself jealous of what she does to parent her girls. In the last year, it has got stronger, and I've found myself at times pulling away from the relationship. Many times I find myself 'blaming' it on the fact that Pyrope and Obsidian have 'disabilities' and A and B are considered 'typical'.
This last year, Pyrope was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This was no surprise. I have been asking about it since he was a baby. He was not a child who was 'typical' then started to develop it, it is who he always has been. I have been always very conscious of it, and very conscious of my parenting decisions that promote his attachment to me, as well as him learning social rules and norms. As multiple 'professionals' have said, my constant working on it, is most likely a good part of the reason he is as 'mild' as he is on the spectrum. He struggles in school. I feel mainly because of his ASD. Math is a particular struggle. Nightly, we go over whatever concept he is supposed to be learning in school. This summer, every day, we work on math. Typically for an hour. Progress is being made now. In January, he was at a Pre-K level for math without much progress, now we are at a middle 1st grade level. Each day this summer, he is also required to read for 30 minutes. Then most days, we also work on writing and learning cursive (which is no longer taught in the schools). When he is playing on the playground, I watch in hearing distance. If it is a major issue, I will go correct as it is happening. If it is more minor, I talk to him about it when he comes to tell me something. I write, then go over multiple times, 'social stories' for situations he struggles with. He gets it. Slowly. One of the skills I feel all children should learn, and preferably not from a parent is how to swim. I have always told my kids, they need to pass Red Cross level 4 (or whatever that skill level equivalent is) before they can stop. This spring, Pyrope got a teacher that simply was not a good match (I was by far not the only parent with problems. Pyrope was in a class of 8 kids, 2 did not finish the session, and he was the only child that signed up for the next. Level 4 is a long level, 7 of the 8 kids had been in at least the 2 sessions before together with him.). I talked to the supervisor, and then to the director. He got a different instructor (well the whole level did). There were tears the first day of the next session (as there were from the 2nd class on with the previous teacher) but they quickly disappeared (and he made more progress in that session than he had in the 2 sessions before).
Obsidian loves music. This spring, he decided he really wanted to start taking violin lessons. I gave it a couple of weeks, and he kept asking. After much searching, I found the right size violin, and a teacher that was willing to take on a 4 year old, that has a form of dwarfism, whose hands are proportionately short to his arms, which are proportionately short for his small for his age body. Oh yes, and he also has a learning disability. Daily, we practice what is currently working on in violin. There have been some really ugly lessons. There have been some pretty ugly weeks with practice. Obsidian has to be told it is time to practice each day. He has never stopped wanting to play well, he just doesn't like all of the necessary steps to get there. Such is life my small child, you have build the foundation well to get to the 'good' part. Daily we practice what letters what make what sounds. He is only making very slow progress. Daily we practice his gross motor skills, with very very little progress being made. Still, each day we do it. At the end of last summer, he could ride his 2 wheeler 1-2 houses without falling. With daily practice since the spring, he can still ride the same distance. He is still working on being able to walk down stairs reciprocally without falling. He still can't, even holding onto a railing.
We take both boys to Tae Kwon Do two to three times a week. On the days we do not go, I have them do their stretches, sometime practice kicks or punches, sometimes watch videos of the current form they are learning, and practice their vocabulary and school rules they need to know for belt tests. I don't do all of it everyday, but I some part of it each day.
Then there is my friend. At the beginning of first grade A was behind in math. A had shown signs of good math skills as a preschooler, but the kindergarten that A and Pyrope went to did not have a strong math program. At Christmas time, A was still behind. So my friend hired a math tutor, and once a week (including this summer), A goes to the math tutor for an hour. My friend does no extra math with her in between. A started piano this summer. My friend does not tell her to practice, and A does not seek out to do it on her own. Typically the evening before or the day of her next lesson, she does her piano 'homework'. A also does dance lessons once a week. She simply goes to the lesson, then comes home. She does not practice between. This past school year, B took swimming lessons with Obsidian. She had been doing well. They got a new to them teacher. Obsidian adjust fine, he even started doing some different things. B did not do well. The teacher pushed them to do more, more quickly as well as if the first attempt did not go well, he would make them do it again. She started to refuse to come (and then was not brought) and then was not signed up for further lessons because the last session did not go well.
So lately I've been finding myself wishing I was more like my friend. Or rather, wishing that I could spend time doing things with my kids that are more enjoyable that teaching math, listening to "Walter the Farting Dog" and similar books in halting learning to read style, drilling social rules, drilling on what sound goes with what letter, practicing violin, practicing TKD, continuing with lessons that are 'hard', advocating for good teachers for my kids. While thinking about how I would word this in a post, I had a realization. Even if I had A and B instead of my kids, I wouldn't just hire a tutor and do math no other extra math. I wouldn't take A to piano lessons then not make her practice (just let her initiate if she wants to practice). I wouldn't just do ballet once a week and not have practice in between. Nor would I have let B stop swimming lesson because of her not getting along with one specific teacher when she had been doing well. I can choose to not do all of these labor intensive difficult things with my boys. I could just let the school teach Pyrope his math and reading, and Obsidian his sounds. I could not make Obsidian practice his violin. I could just take them to TKD and not practice on their 'off' days. I could have let Pyrope stop with swim lessons when he came across the difficult teacher. I could let them watch more TV and video games (which is very limited to not allowed) and spend more time at the beach, playground, and pool (we spend plenty of time doing all of these... I just have them spend time daily on other things as well).
However, I think I am teaching a more important lesson than even math, reading, violin, swimming, or TKD long term. If you are going to do something, do it well, with everything you can.
And with that in my head, my jealousy has retreated to a place where she is barely felt. As now, I feel I am choosing this. It has not been chosen for me because my children have 'special needs'. I have chosen it for my children, irregardless of their abilities. With this, there comes a peace in how I'm spending my time, and how I'm choosing my boys to spend some of theirs.
When Pyrope was 10 weeks old, I met my best friend. Her daughter, A, was 5 weeks old at the time. As we grew closer, so did Pyrope and A. Then I had Obsidian, and 4 months later, she had her 2nd daughter, B. Likewise, the two of them grew up together.
Initially, our parenting was very similar. In someways, it still is similar. Our underlying morals and ethics, and what we want to teach our children is very similar. As time has gone on, how we go about doing this has started to look different. Sometimes it looks very different. Periodically, I have found myself jealous of what she does to parent her girls. In the last year, it has got stronger, and I've found myself at times pulling away from the relationship. Many times I find myself 'blaming' it on the fact that Pyrope and Obsidian have 'disabilities' and A and B are considered 'typical'.
This last year, Pyrope was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This was no surprise. I have been asking about it since he was a baby. He was not a child who was 'typical' then started to develop it, it is who he always has been. I have been always very conscious of it, and very conscious of my parenting decisions that promote his attachment to me, as well as him learning social rules and norms. As multiple 'professionals' have said, my constant working on it, is most likely a good part of the reason he is as 'mild' as he is on the spectrum. He struggles in school. I feel mainly because of his ASD. Math is a particular struggle. Nightly, we go over whatever concept he is supposed to be learning in school. This summer, every day, we work on math. Typically for an hour. Progress is being made now. In January, he was at a Pre-K level for math without much progress, now we are at a middle 1st grade level. Each day this summer, he is also required to read for 30 minutes. Then most days, we also work on writing and learning cursive (which is no longer taught in the schools). When he is playing on the playground, I watch in hearing distance. If it is a major issue, I will go correct as it is happening. If it is more minor, I talk to him about it when he comes to tell me something. I write, then go over multiple times, 'social stories' for situations he struggles with. He gets it. Slowly. One of the skills I feel all children should learn, and preferably not from a parent is how to swim. I have always told my kids, they need to pass Red Cross level 4 (or whatever that skill level equivalent is) before they can stop. This spring, Pyrope got a teacher that simply was not a good match (I was by far not the only parent with problems. Pyrope was in a class of 8 kids, 2 did not finish the session, and he was the only child that signed up for the next. Level 4 is a long level, 7 of the 8 kids had been in at least the 2 sessions before together with him.). I talked to the supervisor, and then to the director. He got a different instructor (well the whole level did). There were tears the first day of the next session (as there were from the 2nd class on with the previous teacher) but they quickly disappeared (and he made more progress in that session than he had in the 2 sessions before).
Obsidian loves music. This spring, he decided he really wanted to start taking violin lessons. I gave it a couple of weeks, and he kept asking. After much searching, I found the right size violin, and a teacher that was willing to take on a 4 year old, that has a form of dwarfism, whose hands are proportionately short to his arms, which are proportionately short for his small for his age body. Oh yes, and he also has a learning disability. Daily, we practice what is currently working on in violin. There have been some really ugly lessons. There have been some pretty ugly weeks with practice. Obsidian has to be told it is time to practice each day. He has never stopped wanting to play well, he just doesn't like all of the necessary steps to get there. Such is life my small child, you have build the foundation well to get to the 'good' part. Daily we practice what letters what make what sounds. He is only making very slow progress. Daily we practice his gross motor skills, with very very little progress being made. Still, each day we do it. At the end of last summer, he could ride his 2 wheeler 1-2 houses without falling. With daily practice since the spring, he can still ride the same distance. He is still working on being able to walk down stairs reciprocally without falling. He still can't, even holding onto a railing.
We take both boys to Tae Kwon Do two to three times a week. On the days we do not go, I have them do their stretches, sometime practice kicks or punches, sometimes watch videos of the current form they are learning, and practice their vocabulary and school rules they need to know for belt tests. I don't do all of it everyday, but I some part of it each day.
Then there is my friend. At the beginning of first grade A was behind in math. A had shown signs of good math skills as a preschooler, but the kindergarten that A and Pyrope went to did not have a strong math program. At Christmas time, A was still behind. So my friend hired a math tutor, and once a week (including this summer), A goes to the math tutor for an hour. My friend does no extra math with her in between. A started piano this summer. My friend does not tell her to practice, and A does not seek out to do it on her own. Typically the evening before or the day of her next lesson, she does her piano 'homework'. A also does dance lessons once a week. She simply goes to the lesson, then comes home. She does not practice between. This past school year, B took swimming lessons with Obsidian. She had been doing well. They got a new to them teacher. Obsidian adjust fine, he even started doing some different things. B did not do well. The teacher pushed them to do more, more quickly as well as if the first attempt did not go well, he would make them do it again. She started to refuse to come (and then was not brought) and then was not signed up for further lessons because the last session did not go well.
So lately I've been finding myself wishing I was more like my friend. Or rather, wishing that I could spend time doing things with my kids that are more enjoyable that teaching math, listening to "Walter the Farting Dog" and similar books in halting learning to read style, drilling social rules, drilling on what sound goes with what letter, practicing violin, practicing TKD, continuing with lessons that are 'hard', advocating for good teachers for my kids. While thinking about how I would word this in a post, I had a realization. Even if I had A and B instead of my kids, I wouldn't just hire a tutor and do math no other extra math. I wouldn't take A to piano lessons then not make her practice (just let her initiate if she wants to practice). I wouldn't just do ballet once a week and not have practice in between. Nor would I have let B stop swimming lesson because of her not getting along with one specific teacher when she had been doing well. I can choose to not do all of these labor intensive difficult things with my boys. I could just let the school teach Pyrope his math and reading, and Obsidian his sounds. I could not make Obsidian practice his violin. I could just take them to TKD and not practice on their 'off' days. I could have let Pyrope stop with swim lessons when he came across the difficult teacher. I could let them watch more TV and video games (which is very limited to not allowed) and spend more time at the beach, playground, and pool (we spend plenty of time doing all of these... I just have them spend time daily on other things as well).
However, I think I am teaching a more important lesson than even math, reading, violin, swimming, or TKD long term. If you are going to do something, do it well, with everything you can.
And with that in my head, my jealousy has retreated to a place where she is barely felt. As now, I feel I am choosing this. It has not been chosen for me because my children have 'special needs'. I have chosen it for my children, irregardless of their abilities. With this, there comes a peace in how I'm spending my time, and how I'm choosing my boys to spend some of theirs.
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