This summer has taken directions I haven't anticipated. Relationships have been challenged, multiple times, in multiple ways, most of which I didn't anticipate.
I'm married. Being married this summer has challenged me. Really challenged me. I have a deep peace about it, although it is odd as there are parts that are really bothering me. Without a lot of reception on the other side of why I find it bothersome.
The first week of June was rough. Very rough. Among other problems that were caused that week, my best friend and my relationship was challenged. Not because of a disagreement between us, but we both had to make decisions that very much changed the relationship and how we socialize. And really how our kids socialize. I was going to resign an executive board position. Best friend advised to not do it in heat of the moment. So I was giving it 24 hours. In that 24 hours, she resigned a board position. Then by the end of the week, left the organization (she was president of this organization less than a month prior to this event). I was still in. I decided to stay in for the year. I was unhappy with how things were going. I was very unhappy about the fact we were treated as "J and Ruby", not two separate individuals. I have had to very clearly and repeatedly say "I am Ruby, I am not J. Please treat me as such." I'm still frustrated by the organization. I'm still in to follow through with my commitment. That same week I got a phone call that Obsidian was very unexpectedly given a position in a preschool. I had been told come September that they *might* have an open spot, and then screen kids for the spot(s), but nothing before then. Out of the blue the first week of June, I got a phone call that they changed some policies, and there was an open position, and he got it. Obsidian and J's younger daughter were going to be in the same preschool, in the same class. I was going to help with pick up times, as it was not going to go with her older daughter's schedule perfectly. So I was leaving her behind. On Monday morning of that week, we thought we were doing a lot of things together. A lot. By the end of the week, she had left an organization that I choose to remain in, and I left a school she choose to remain in.
I like planning out trips, and generally do so fairly far in advance. I planned a trip to a near by lake. Nothing special about it. I (with Jet's agreement) invited my mother for the week. My siblings were supposed to come. I changed some of the dates so they could come. They didn't. However, the vacation was just about perfect. We went to the beach. We ate. We hung out at the house. My mom got to know my kids in a way she typically doesn't. We did a 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It was relaxing. We were going to go on an adventure or two, but lacked the motivation to do so. Which is fine. We really all had a great time.
And then my cousin asked if we wanted to go to the beach in North Carolina a couple weeks after I paid for first vacation. So a month after first vacation, we did another vacation. In some ways a great vacation, in others, so-so. Most of my siblings did make it for that one. However, my one brother who was supposed to be there the whole time, was only there for 2 days. And he brought his girlfriend (which was actually fun, she was so enamored with the ocean, it was fun to watch her and my brother). My brother, who has a wife and 2.5 year old, kept saying they were not coming. Less than 12 hours before we were leaving, I get a text from my aunt, who is on the road to get there that we are sharing a house with, to call my brother and figure out how many air mattresses we need. To quote my reply text to her "Um. Okay." My sister did not speak much to me the whole trip. She didn't speak a lot to anyone. I thought it would be a lot of 'family time'. Not so much. The other house (my cousins and their families), always were going out and doing things. My immediate family is happy playing in the ocean, eating, lounging, playing in the ocean, walking the beach, and eating some more. My brother with the 2 year old, never put said child to bed before 10 (frequently later, and typically after he had been screaming for a while). My kids were always out cold by 8. My kids and I had breakfast, swam in the ocean, played in the beach, and were coming back to eat while nephew was sitting at the table working on breakfast. They would be at the beach, or having an adventure, when I had my kids quiet/nap time in the afternoon (trust me my kids need that or they are screaming demons later). Pyrope in particular LOVED the ocean. Obsidian was very impressed with watching the baby sea turtles make their way to the ocean. But it was not what I expected.
I took the kids to DC, on a short notice trip. Jet did not come. We met with a friend. I've been surprised from the criticism I've received from this trip. From different people, for various reasons. It was a good trip. I enjoyed it. My kids enjoyed it. I think the other person enjoyed it. I don't get why other people have such strong opinions of it. Given the opportunity, I'll do it again. It was fun.
Then my certification class. I have never had any intention of starting my own business/company/nonprofit or anything like that. Not a desire of mine. Not even a remote desire of mine. Something I've said I would not do. Yeah, about statements like that. I am now certified to teach a class that I feel really has a lot to offer my community. However, there is no group or company in the area that runs this class in a sustainable manner. So I'm taking it on. I'm so very overwhelmed by it at this point. I am trying to break it down to achievable, doable parts. My goal is to teach my first class by the end of the year and have other classes set up to teach in the new year. Next year, it is my goal to get more of a framework for a nonprofit to support the ongoing needs of running the program. With the hope to expand to other target audiences in the future. Hopefully a 5 year future. J is planning on joining in on this after I get it more off of the ground. She says she will help get it off of the ground, but it is mainly me. And I know that. And she knows that. And really, personality wise, you would think it would be the opposite for starting this.
So here it is, a week before the school year begins, and I have lots of hopes, dreams, plans, and many uncertainties for the year. Bring it on.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Jump.
I'm doing something I never thought I would do. I said I would never do. I still do not particularly want to do. I'm starting a business. Not only a business, a nonprofit business. That will have to have grants and fundraising as a significant source of its funding. So not something I did not have desire to do. The jump to do it is scaring me.
It all started 6 weeks ago or so. (You will have to stay with me for a while, as everyone doesn't quite get how this story is how I make the jump to start a business). I was considering resigning from an executive board position before our June board meeting, the first board meeting of the year. My best friend, who had been president the year before, convinced me to wait until the end of the meeting before turning in my letter or resignation. The meeting did not go well. My best friend and the current president were yelling, loudly, at each other. It was ugly. I did not resign that night as I knew my resignation would have been viewed as a consequence of the argument. It was not the reason, and I did not want it to be seen as the reason, and it would have furthered the problems that were really ignited by the fight. Later that week, my best friend resigned her one position. Then even later in the week, as a result of an uninvited, unwanted guest at Pyrope's birthday party, she more or less left the organization all together.
I have come to the conclusion, that at this point, I am committed to staying in the group, and serving in my executive board position that I had taken. It is not looking like it is going to be a smooth year. Or an easy one.
In my blog reading, I had read about a person who was abused as a child by a family member. I thought about the r@dKIDS program Pyrope had gone to, and how he needed a refresher class. (It is essentially an anti-violence, anti-bullying, gun safety, fire safety, empowering program for kids ages 3.5-12 years old. After a child takes it once, they are allowed to take it once a year, every year until their 12th birthday. It is one of the best programs, with the most research behind it, that is currently out there.)
At July's board meeting, we read our plan of action for each committee. These go in alphabetical order. Traditionally, each year, whoever chair's the committee for that year decides how exactly it is run. How active, or not active, and what specific activities it does. Not all committees are filled each year. This year we have a number of committees that are very important, and need to be filled, that are still empty. The plans of action are presented by the committee chairperson(s). You can change, or create, a plan of action at any point in the year at any general or board meeting (which is typically once a month). The first committee that is not filled was inconsequential. I think the first 4 years I was in the organization it was dormant. However, the president did it last year. It was 'her' committee. As president, she is not allowed to chair any committee. She had written a plan of action, and then handed it to the recording secretary to read/present. When it came up for discussion, I objected. IF a chair volunteers for it, it should then be that person's to do what they want (well, they can propose what they want, then it would be approved or not approved). I also brought up that there were other, more consequential committees that need to be filled. The President and I had a spirited discussion. Her voice was raised for much of it. I had conscientiously lowered my voice, to the point you had to stop and listen to hear me. Most of the other board members were silent. One other board member, in a negative to me way, said "Well are YOU going to take it Ruby? Do YOU want to do something different?" I said no, my executive board position and the additional position of putting out the monthly newsletter was all I can commit to. We took a vote, I was the only one who voted against passing the plan of action. But it was a quiet vote. The meeting moved on. We got father in the alphabet, and the committee that screens local preschoolers for vision problems came up. It did not have a chair either. No one else in our area provides this service. Each year, kids with vision problems, some of them quite serious, are identified because of this committee. There were women in the room whose children had been identified, when they had not a clue there was a problem before our screening. No one wants this to be a "lost" committee. The same scenario with a plan of action came up. It was read, I started with "I have the same issues with this as I did with the other". The discussion started again. This time, more people were involved. And more of our true problems were openly discussed. People had had time to think. People had listened to what I was saying. Eventually, someone else volunteered to take over the newsletter if I took over this committee. Deal. The President says, in relief, "So now we can vote on the Plan of Action. Well, if that is okay with Ruby?" in a very sarcastic voice, looking over at me. The implication that she could not imagine me saying no. I said "Actually, no." Silence. Every eye in the room on me. I can be stubborn. And want to make a point, even if it makes things harder on myself. This committee has probably had the exact same plan of action for years, easily at least the last 10 years. Change the year at the top, and the committee chairs (when they occasionally change), and print it out for that year. I looked around the room and said "I had thought before that if I were to do this committee, that I want to see r@dKIDS program run. I want to put that in my plan of action." Immediately the room started discussing this. Those that know the program, were saying how great of an idea that was. Those that did not were asking what the program was, then agreeing that they want to do it as well. The original plan of action was tabled.
So I start to look the next day in earnest for getting the program to come. It was complicated by the fact it was a holiday week. There are 3 instructors in the area. 1 flat out said he won't do it anymore because he can't make enough money doing it. 1 said she was not doing it anymore, but did not elaborate why. The 3rd, who was the one who did Pyrope's class, and was the most active, has yet to return my phone calls or email. All 3 of these people were doing I then made my fatal mistake. I looked into what it took to being an instructor. $450 and a 4 day course. All of the courses were literally over a 1,000 miles away. Except for one. And it is an easy 3.5 hour drive. In a city that I had lived in for 5 years, that I could easily stay on any number of couches for free for the week. Catch being, the course started in 13 days. My best friend and I talked about starting a nonprofit. Both of us believe in the program. She has always wanted to start a business. She has a background of law enforcement. She was going to be the one who initially got the certification. I was going to get it if it looked like we needed 2 certified instructors. I didn't get a hold of anyone to confirm if there was any space left until 6 days before it started. There was. My best friend backed out. She did not feel like her questions of why the other people had stopped instructing had been adequately answered. She was afraid we could not make it work. Or that it would not work. Or it would take a very long time to become established. That we did not have a specific time table that we would have a consistent source of funding, that our initial costs would be repaid, and that we don't have a specific time period that we will be an incorporated nonprofit. I understand, and I agree. However, at some point we need to leap and commit. The very few people I had floated the idea by all had the same response. Every single one said "Let me know if I can help you." So I jumped. I called back 2 hours after I found out that there was a spot. And I am off to training for 4 days. I have never been away from my kids except for overnight. A total of 2 nights from Obsidian, and a total of 6 from Pyrope (4 of which were due to me being hospitalized while pregnant with Obsidain, just gave birth to Obsidian, or when Obsidian was readmitted, which was all in a period of 9 days). I have not gone through a certification program since I was pregnant with Pyrope. And that was a simple 2 day one, one that I already had some experience in.
Not only am I becoming certified, in something I never dreamed I would, I am contacting and making meetings with people I know that have started successful nonprofits that are willing to help me. And putting out feelers of who is around, that has skills or resources I will need, that is willing to help. I have yet to have a person tell me no.
Yet, this jump is scaring me. I am not typically someone who makes a jump like this. My best friend is the one you would guess to do something like this. I do not want to start a business. Let alone start a nonprofit business. But at the end of the day, I feel God hand encouraging me to jump. I hear you, Lord. I have to put my faith in you, and those around me, that You will help me when I need it. For this is certainly not in my comfort zone. At the end of all of this, there remains one fact that keeps me moving forward. If there is 1 child that benefits from this, it will be worth it. There have been 100s of kids who have reported abuse after taking the class. Close to 80 children say this class helped them escape abduction, close to 40 of those cases were stranger abductions. So no matter how scared I am, I'm glad I'm making this jump.
It all started 6 weeks ago or so. (You will have to stay with me for a while, as everyone doesn't quite get how this story is how I make the jump to start a business). I was considering resigning from an executive board position before our June board meeting, the first board meeting of the year. My best friend, who had been president the year before, convinced me to wait until the end of the meeting before turning in my letter or resignation. The meeting did not go well. My best friend and the current president were yelling, loudly, at each other. It was ugly. I did not resign that night as I knew my resignation would have been viewed as a consequence of the argument. It was not the reason, and I did not want it to be seen as the reason, and it would have furthered the problems that were really ignited by the fight. Later that week, my best friend resigned her one position. Then even later in the week, as a result of an uninvited, unwanted guest at Pyrope's birthday party, she more or less left the organization all together.
I have come to the conclusion, that at this point, I am committed to staying in the group, and serving in my executive board position that I had taken. It is not looking like it is going to be a smooth year. Or an easy one.
In my blog reading, I had read about a person who was abused as a child by a family member. I thought about the r@dKIDS program Pyrope had gone to, and how he needed a refresher class. (It is essentially an anti-violence, anti-bullying, gun safety, fire safety, empowering program for kids ages 3.5-12 years old. After a child takes it once, they are allowed to take it once a year, every year until their 12th birthday. It is one of the best programs, with the most research behind it, that is currently out there.)
At July's board meeting, we read our plan of action for each committee. These go in alphabetical order. Traditionally, each year, whoever chair's the committee for that year decides how exactly it is run. How active, or not active, and what specific activities it does. Not all committees are filled each year. This year we have a number of committees that are very important, and need to be filled, that are still empty. The plans of action are presented by the committee chairperson(s). You can change, or create, a plan of action at any point in the year at any general or board meeting (which is typically once a month). The first committee that is not filled was inconsequential. I think the first 4 years I was in the organization it was dormant. However, the president did it last year. It was 'her' committee. As president, she is not allowed to chair any committee. She had written a plan of action, and then handed it to the recording secretary to read/present. When it came up for discussion, I objected. IF a chair volunteers for it, it should then be that person's to do what they want (well, they can propose what they want, then it would be approved or not approved). I also brought up that there were other, more consequential committees that need to be filled. The President and I had a spirited discussion. Her voice was raised for much of it. I had conscientiously lowered my voice, to the point you had to stop and listen to hear me. Most of the other board members were silent. One other board member, in a negative to me way, said "Well are YOU going to take it Ruby? Do YOU want to do something different?" I said no, my executive board position and the additional position of putting out the monthly newsletter was all I can commit to. We took a vote, I was the only one who voted against passing the plan of action. But it was a quiet vote. The meeting moved on. We got father in the alphabet, and the committee that screens local preschoolers for vision problems came up. It did not have a chair either. No one else in our area provides this service. Each year, kids with vision problems, some of them quite serious, are identified because of this committee. There were women in the room whose children had been identified, when they had not a clue there was a problem before our screening. No one wants this to be a "lost" committee. The same scenario with a plan of action came up. It was read, I started with "I have the same issues with this as I did with the other". The discussion started again. This time, more people were involved. And more of our true problems were openly discussed. People had had time to think. People had listened to what I was saying. Eventually, someone else volunteered to take over the newsletter if I took over this committee. Deal. The President says, in relief, "So now we can vote on the Plan of Action. Well, if that is okay with Ruby?" in a very sarcastic voice, looking over at me. The implication that she could not imagine me saying no. I said "Actually, no." Silence. Every eye in the room on me. I can be stubborn. And want to make a point, even if it makes things harder on myself. This committee has probably had the exact same plan of action for years, easily at least the last 10 years. Change the year at the top, and the committee chairs (when they occasionally change), and print it out for that year. I looked around the room and said "I had thought before that if I were to do this committee, that I want to see r@dKIDS program run. I want to put that in my plan of action." Immediately the room started discussing this. Those that know the program, were saying how great of an idea that was. Those that did not were asking what the program was, then agreeing that they want to do it as well. The original plan of action was tabled.
So I start to look the next day in earnest for getting the program to come. It was complicated by the fact it was a holiday week. There are 3 instructors in the area. 1 flat out said he won't do it anymore because he can't make enough money doing it. 1 said she was not doing it anymore, but did not elaborate why. The 3rd, who was the one who did Pyrope's class, and was the most active, has yet to return my phone calls or email. All 3 of these people were doing I then made my fatal mistake. I looked into what it took to being an instructor. $450 and a 4 day course. All of the courses were literally over a 1,000 miles away. Except for one. And it is an easy 3.5 hour drive. In a city that I had lived in for 5 years, that I could easily stay on any number of couches for free for the week. Catch being, the course started in 13 days. My best friend and I talked about starting a nonprofit. Both of us believe in the program. She has always wanted to start a business. She has a background of law enforcement. She was going to be the one who initially got the certification. I was going to get it if it looked like we needed 2 certified instructors. I didn't get a hold of anyone to confirm if there was any space left until 6 days before it started. There was. My best friend backed out. She did not feel like her questions of why the other people had stopped instructing had been adequately answered. She was afraid we could not make it work. Or that it would not work. Or it would take a very long time to become established. That we did not have a specific time table that we would have a consistent source of funding, that our initial costs would be repaid, and that we don't have a specific time period that we will be an incorporated nonprofit. I understand, and I agree. However, at some point we need to leap and commit. The very few people I had floated the idea by all had the same response. Every single one said "Let me know if I can help you." So I jumped. I called back 2 hours after I found out that there was a spot. And I am off to training for 4 days. I have never been away from my kids except for overnight. A total of 2 nights from Obsidian, and a total of 6 from Pyrope (4 of which were due to me being hospitalized while pregnant with Obsidain, just gave birth to Obsidian, or when Obsidian was readmitted, which was all in a period of 9 days). I have not gone through a certification program since I was pregnant with Pyrope. And that was a simple 2 day one, one that I already had some experience in.
Not only am I becoming certified, in something I never dreamed I would, I am contacting and making meetings with people I know that have started successful nonprofits that are willing to help me. And putting out feelers of who is around, that has skills or resources I will need, that is willing to help. I have yet to have a person tell me no.
Yet, this jump is scaring me. I am not typically someone who makes a jump like this. My best friend is the one you would guess to do something like this. I do not want to start a business. Let alone start a nonprofit business. But at the end of the day, I feel God hand encouraging me to jump. I hear you, Lord. I have to put my faith in you, and those around me, that You will help me when I need it. For this is certainly not in my comfort zone. At the end of all of this, there remains one fact that keeps me moving forward. If there is 1 child that benefits from this, it will be worth it. There have been 100s of kids who have reported abuse after taking the class. Close to 80 children say this class helped them escape abduction, close to 40 of those cases were stranger abductions. So no matter how scared I am, I'm glad I'm making this jump.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
How we learn
It had been 12 years since I went on a vacation with my mother. It had been about 8 years since she took a vacation with anyone. I love my mom. However, we are very different. We get along best when we don't live together, there is a good reason I moved out when I was 17 (I have gone back for 3 separate 3 month stints, as recently as 7 years ago). I was leery about the whole proposal of being with her for a week. I was more trepid when circumstances made it so we will be doing it again in a month.
It went well. Very well. Everyone had a good time. I would even say everyone had a great time.
I was going to plan activities and outings. I somewhat did. Well, I looked things up before we went. My kids and Mom did not leave the campground after we checked in. I did not leave after I did our grocery shopping for the week. Jet did not leave after he got there. We went to the beach, went on the boat, fished, played in the yard, and hung out at the house. That's it. Pyrope and Obsidian would get in the lake, then roll in the sand, then get back in the lake. Laughing hysterically. Then repeat. About 100 times. Pulling around a snow shovel pretending it was a boat was another endless source of entertainment. Mom, my best friend while she was visiting, and I worked on an adult puzzle. I love puzzles. However I have not done one since Pyrope has been mobile and into everything.
Mom went on early morning walks. She also spent time just being around my kids. She watches them when I'm at work or otherwise not at home as well as just visiting with them when I am around. However, she is always trying to entertain and interact with them. Not just observing them be. She play with them a lot but there were times she was doing their own thing and they were doing theirs. They were also clearly being parented by me. She corrected them if she absolutely had to, but I was the authority. Mom said she learned a lot about Obsidian. She had glimpses and heard stories of things he does with me but never really seen them first hand. She says she will be hearing "Pywope. Pywope! Pywope pay attention!!!" in her sleep. (Obsidian can't say his r's right now, so they sound like w's.) How strong his will is, and how his mouth gets him in trouble (or rather the lack of a filter between his brain and his mouth). The elaborate games, stories, buildings, and endless plans. She saw how drastic and negative the consequences are if I don't manage his physical needs. A slight misjudgement or miscalculation on my part of managing his sleep, food, temperature, hydration, and toileting can change him into a misbehaving child that is unpleasant to be around (in a complete different realm than his normal misbehavior). Other kids get cranky but Obsidian just spins out of control.
As I watched my kids, I was both amazed at how different some things were and how unchanged others were. I had to be more vigilant than normal to make sure Obsidian stayed physically in a good place. I enjoyed my kids more. Pyrope struggles with attention just as much on vacation as he does at home. I watched how much Pyrope can enjoy and see the simple things and get such pleasure out of them. Obsidian's ceaseless creativity.
I, in general, enjoyed Mom's company. I did not find myself annoyed and forcing myself to 'be nice and respectful' as I so often find myself having to do in her presence.
I decided that Jet and I are just fundamentally very different. I was happy, very happy hanging out at the beach or just playing or watching the kids, my mom, or being with our various visitors. Jet choose to stay at home for the first 3 days, would go out on his boat alone, never made it to the beach with us, and would watch TV by himself. For the most part, he would only interact with others if I would prompt or ask him to. Being by himself was his ideal vacation. Being with others is mine. I recently went on a short trip. I took the boys. Jet questioned me why I was just taking them, not trying to piece together different people to watch them so I could go alone (he had to work). I enjoyed having them with me. It would have been a different trip without them as they did slow us down. But slower is not bad, or worse. I would have worried about them while I was gone, if my plans of who could watch them at each time was working (As some of the people who watch them won't give Obsidian his shot, it complicates things. Jet was working 10 hour days, with the potential of working 12 hour days. Or if Pyrope would be able to handle the situation at least fairly.) I will have the chance to travel without small children again. Now is the time to experience the world through the lens of a child. Jet wants to experience the world on his terms, particularly on vacation. To me, Jet and my differing opinion of desired family size can go back to my vacation includes him and our kids (and others) and just being. His ideal vacation is doing what he wants, when he wants, without having to consider anyone else.
Stepping away from our 'normal' lives, we can learn. About ourselves and each other. We can develop our relationships more. Family vacations are something I just always thought of as fun as a small child, or a forced event as a sullen teenager, and now an important
It went well. Very well. Everyone had a good time. I would even say everyone had a great time.
I was going to plan activities and outings. I somewhat did. Well, I looked things up before we went. My kids and Mom did not leave the campground after we checked in. I did not leave after I did our grocery shopping for the week. Jet did not leave after he got there. We went to the beach, went on the boat, fished, played in the yard, and hung out at the house. That's it. Pyrope and Obsidian would get in the lake, then roll in the sand, then get back in the lake. Laughing hysterically. Then repeat. About 100 times. Pulling around a snow shovel pretending it was a boat was another endless source of entertainment. Mom, my best friend while she was visiting, and I worked on an adult puzzle. I love puzzles. However I have not done one since Pyrope has been mobile and into everything.
Mom went on early morning walks. She also spent time just being around my kids. She watches them when I'm at work or otherwise not at home as well as just visiting with them when I am around. However, she is always trying to entertain and interact with them. Not just observing them be. She play with them a lot but there were times she was doing their own thing and they were doing theirs. They were also clearly being parented by me. She corrected them if she absolutely had to, but I was the authority. Mom said she learned a lot about Obsidian. She had glimpses and heard stories of things he does with me but never really seen them first hand. She says she will be hearing "Pywope. Pywope! Pywope pay attention!!!" in her sleep. (Obsidian can't say his r's right now, so they sound like w's.) How strong his will is, and how his mouth gets him in trouble (or rather the lack of a filter between his brain and his mouth). The elaborate games, stories, buildings, and endless plans. She saw how drastic and negative the consequences are if I don't manage his physical needs. A slight misjudgement or miscalculation on my part of managing his sleep, food, temperature, hydration, and toileting can change him into a misbehaving child that is unpleasant to be around (in a complete different realm than his normal misbehavior). Other kids get cranky but Obsidian just spins out of control.
As I watched my kids, I was both amazed at how different some things were and how unchanged others were. I had to be more vigilant than normal to make sure Obsidian stayed physically in a good place. I enjoyed my kids more. Pyrope struggles with attention just as much on vacation as he does at home. I watched how much Pyrope can enjoy and see the simple things and get such pleasure out of them. Obsidian's ceaseless creativity.
I, in general, enjoyed Mom's company. I did not find myself annoyed and forcing myself to 'be nice and respectful' as I so often find myself having to do in her presence.
I decided that Jet and I are just fundamentally very different. I was happy, very happy hanging out at the beach or just playing or watching the kids, my mom, or being with our various visitors. Jet choose to stay at home for the first 3 days, would go out on his boat alone, never made it to the beach with us, and would watch TV by himself. For the most part, he would only interact with others if I would prompt or ask him to. Being by himself was his ideal vacation. Being with others is mine. I recently went on a short trip. I took the boys. Jet questioned me why I was just taking them, not trying to piece together different people to watch them so I could go alone (he had to work). I enjoyed having them with me. It would have been a different trip without them as they did slow us down. But slower is not bad, or worse. I would have worried about them while I was gone, if my plans of who could watch them at each time was working (As some of the people who watch them won't give Obsidian his shot, it complicates things. Jet was working 10 hour days, with the potential of working 12 hour days. Or if Pyrope would be able to handle the situation at least fairly.) I will have the chance to travel without small children again. Now is the time to experience the world through the lens of a child. Jet wants to experience the world on his terms, particularly on vacation. To me, Jet and my differing opinion of desired family size can go back to my vacation includes him and our kids (and others) and just being. His ideal vacation is doing what he wants, when he wants, without having to consider anyone else.
Stepping away from our 'normal' lives, we can learn. About ourselves and each other. We can develop our relationships more. Family vacations are something I just always thought of as fun as a small child, or a forced event as a sullen teenager, and now an important
Friday, May 11, 2012
Beloved Mule
I have come to a basic truth for me. There is a very good chance that I will independently choose one car in my life. And that car is gone. I will have a say in the rest of the cars, but it is unlikely I will do the majority of the choosing. I don't have the knowledge, or really even desire to do so. Jet LOVES cars, he maintains mine. So he has a significant say. Obsidian looks to be taking in his footsteps, so even if Jet no longer can help make the car decision, I'm guessing Obsidian will be involved.
My first car, my dad choose. It was okay. I did not dislike it, but I was never in love either. I was glad when I got rid of it. I sold it to my dad. Then I had to get rid of it again after my dad passed away. It was a huge pile of problems at that point, so it was a little sad to get rid of my first car and my dad's last car, but I had no great love of the White Lady. She was a car. A very quirky car.
But from the time I was in college, I dreamed of getting my make and model car. Which is sort of a crazy statement to make, as it is a very practical no frills car. Not many people dream and want something as basic is it as their ideal dream car. But that is my personality. I had Jet look over my choice, and he found nothing wrong with it. Since then, my mother, then my MIL, then my SIL (Jet's sister, although hers is the SUV), my sister, then Jet, then my brother, and now my youngest brother, have all got the same car (some little variances, some automatic, some manuals, but basically the same car). None of them loved their cars as I did, but they liked the practicality of each of theirs.
Jet literally proposed to me as I was signing the papers to finalize the sale of the car (it was odd, having to sign my maiden name repeatedly this week, as the car was still titled that way). The next day, we drove across Canada to go to my cousin's wedding. The craziness that was the first 18 months of my marriage, that car got me, and everyone it needed to, where it needed to go. It went between 3 cities that were anywhere from 240 to 680 miles apart, repeatedly. There was one month I drove it 1300 miles a week. For a month. And there was a different 2 month span I was driving it a minimum of 600 miles a week. I listened to a lot of audio books and NPR in those days. It got me, Jet, my MIL, and my SIL to my MIL's only sibling's funeral 3 states away, in the middle of winter in not great weather. I 10 hour each direction road tripped it alone with the boys when they were 1 and 3. Countless trips between here (where I grew up) and where Jet grew up (and mom is), 240 miles each direction. In some very unfriendly road conditions at times. All of the trips around here.
I always called my first car "The White Lady". I had every intention of calling this car "The Mother-mobile". Jet started calling it before we even had it a year, "The Mule". It was a better fit. We worked that car hard. It was reliable. Up until the bitter end (which was not its fault). I had altered the name years ago to "The Beloved Mule". I will miss it. But in a way, I'm glad it went while it was still on the top of its game. It had not become a problematic money pit we had to eventually just not repair. It can always remain my "Beloved Mule"
But still I wish it was in my driveway, waiting for the next trip.
My first car, my dad choose. It was okay. I did not dislike it, but I was never in love either. I was glad when I got rid of it. I sold it to my dad. Then I had to get rid of it again after my dad passed away. It was a huge pile of problems at that point, so it was a little sad to get rid of my first car and my dad's last car, but I had no great love of the White Lady. She was a car. A very quirky car.
But from the time I was in college, I dreamed of getting my make and model car. Which is sort of a crazy statement to make, as it is a very practical no frills car. Not many people dream and want something as basic is it as their ideal dream car. But that is my personality. I had Jet look over my choice, and he found nothing wrong with it. Since then, my mother, then my MIL, then my SIL (Jet's sister, although hers is the SUV), my sister, then Jet, then my brother, and now my youngest brother, have all got the same car (some little variances, some automatic, some manuals, but basically the same car). None of them loved their cars as I did, but they liked the practicality of each of theirs.
Jet literally proposed to me as I was signing the papers to finalize the sale of the car (it was odd, having to sign my maiden name repeatedly this week, as the car was still titled that way). The next day, we drove across Canada to go to my cousin's wedding. The craziness that was the first 18 months of my marriage, that car got me, and everyone it needed to, where it needed to go. It went between 3 cities that were anywhere from 240 to 680 miles apart, repeatedly. There was one month I drove it 1300 miles a week. For a month. And there was a different 2 month span I was driving it a minimum of 600 miles a week. I listened to a lot of audio books and NPR in those days. It got me, Jet, my MIL, and my SIL to my MIL's only sibling's funeral 3 states away, in the middle of winter in not great weather. I 10 hour each direction road tripped it alone with the boys when they were 1 and 3. Countless trips between here (where I grew up) and where Jet grew up (and mom is), 240 miles each direction. In some very unfriendly road conditions at times. All of the trips around here.
I always called my first car "The White Lady". I had every intention of calling this car "The Mother-mobile". Jet started calling it before we even had it a year, "The Mule". It was a better fit. We worked that car hard. It was reliable. Up until the bitter end (which was not its fault). I had altered the name years ago to "The Beloved Mule". I will miss it. But in a way, I'm glad it went while it was still on the top of its game. It had not become a problematic money pit we had to eventually just not repair. It can always remain my "Beloved Mule"
But still I wish it was in my driveway, waiting for the next trip.
Series of Unfortunate Events: Car Edition
This last month has been trying. To say the least. While nothing was major, in some ways, the cumulative effect got to me tonight. While making a deposit at the ATM.
It all started about 6 weeks ago. The starter went in my car. Not really a big deal at all. Jet replaced the very worn spark plugs and wires while he was at it.
About the same time, Jet took his very problematic classic hot rodded car in because he felt something was not right. The head gasket was on crooked. An expensive repair. Again. I had surprising peace about it. Once it got home, Jet did an investigation on the body as it was not making correct left hand turns. This turned into major time consuming problems. The exhaust system was not attached where it should be and tearing holes in the floor of the car. Causing problems with the frame. And then something with the subfloor. And the floor. Jet is doing this work himself, but it is time consuming. He has been working on it since. It is getting close (he thinks, but he says this many times and it is not the reality) to being done.
Pyrope had a speech screening (that took over an hour) because his speech is not normal for a child his age. I have said this for a long time, but he is not catching up. I have not received the official report, but from the comments the therapist made as we were leaving, I wouldn't be surprised if this time it actually showed a delay.
Then a little over a month, while my 19 year old brother was driving my mom's car (that they share), the engine went. Basically because of how poorly my mother has maintained the car since my father passed away.
Obsidian was playing "construction site" outside and found some small cinder blocks (they are about the size of 2 standard bricks combined), and dropped one on his toe. Because of his growth issues, this became a somewhat complicated journey to a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. He was not casted, but was out of taekwondo and all "contact type activities" for 4 weeks. I will be glad when 4 weeks is up on Monday.
Jet found my mother a new car. My mother and I got in a large fight, and she snapped. Fortunately my sister was able to calm her down.
While 19 year old brother was driving my car (somewhere he really should not have been), my car stopped driving. The alternator was going bad, he had stalled multiple times in a row, and drained the battery. (This all done after Jet and my boys were asleep). While Jet was replacing the alternator, the car slipped on the jacks and ruined the radiator (better the radiator than hurting Jet). While I was running to the store for parts, went down to my basement to find out the bottom of our hot water tank left go and we had a 75 gallon flood going on. And no hot water. Yes, while Jet is working on my car in the driveway. My car got fixed (eventually and late) that evening. We had a new tankless hot water system installed by late the next day (we had decided we were going tankless when our tank went, just not anticipating that day).
Someone from the public schools came to observe Pyrope in his class. Still haven't heard anything about that. I've called once. I will call again to keep that ball rolling. I started it rolling in January. Well, I've been trying to have it start rolling since January might be a better way to put it.
Then Jet was backing up his car, and he could not get it out of reverse. Fortunately, this happened right in front of our house so he was able to drive in reverse across our neighbor's yard to get it properly into our front yard. This same piece went on my sister's car in the fall, so he knew what was wrong. A $25 piece that is the size of a nickle. A day later, the part came in and his car was good.
Then the alternator went in my 22 year old brother's car. Jet replaced it that night. Without incident. He also replaced the spark plugs. Something is not quite right still and it should be checked out as Jet can not quite put his finger on what is wrong. We have enough of this car, that Jet can tell if something is amiss.
My sister called. She needs new suspension in her car. Jet might help with that. (You must keep in mind that all of these cars are the same make and model except for original car of my mother's, and that is just a different model).
My mom/19 year old brother's new to them car needed new spark plugs. So Jet went to replace them. I had picked them up from the part store (along with a PVC valve that was not quite right but Jet made work). When Jet went to put them in, the one spark plug was bad. The electrode was not centered as it should be, came out at an angle, and the end which should be straight and crisp edges was not. How it made it past quality control. Jet said he had never seen a spark plug bad like that from the store. When I went to return it, each of the employees asked how I knew it was bad. I replied with a simple "Look". Each replied with an "Oh.... oooh. I've never seen that before. That definitely is bad"
So last Saturday, I was driving home from biking with my 31 year old brother, SIL, nephew, and my mom. We were meeting at a restaurant afterwards. I was stopping at home to get Obsidian's shot. I was stopped at a red light. The girl (and I mean girl, she is 17) behind me did not stop. Everyone was fine. Pyrope and I had some mild whiplash, Obsidian was rear facing and had no physical complaints. Obsidian and I have had some nightmares (Obsidian's involve the glass that came flying at him, as my back glass was shattered, mine mainly revolve around the 3 teenaged pedestrians that were a couple steps away from being hit by me when my car was shoved forward). My car... totaled. Car seats, totaled. Booster seat I had from when another child was in my car earlier that day, totaled. My bike, totaled. Pyrope's bike, totaled. Seat for Obsidian on my bike, totaled. Bike rack, totaled.
I am very grateful that no one was hurt. If the circumstances had been just slightly different in any number of ways, it is very likely that would not have been the case.
However, a lot of things were 'totaled'. Most of which have to be replaced. The car seats and Pyrope's bike have been replaced (I had bought a bike the next size up on Black Friday, it was sitting in a box in our garage. It is big on Pyrope, but he can make it work. I knew I was just replacing the seats I had with the same ones, so I just ordered them.) My car is being difficult to replace. An American made, manual transmission car, for a family, is not so easy to find right now.
Then this week, 19 year old brother, driving the new to him/Mom car hit an outrigger that had fallen off of a construction truck (you know the things that stabilize machines when they are doing work, one of those). The brand new front tire. Toast. Part of the floor accordion up. Jet pounded out the rim and a new tire was purchased. Jet and brother are fixing the car. Currently the floor for part of the passenger side is made up of duct tape until a new floor can be welded in.
This too will pass. But I sure hope for some boring times for a while. I have this nagging, haunting fear right now that something else is going to happen. Something that will not be able to be fixed with time and money. For looking at the very long laundry list of things that have gone wrong, and how things could have been just slightly different and the outcome would not have been so good, no one has been hurt (well, bank accounts have been plenty hurt, but that can be replenished). It is my prayers that no one is hurt, but I keep having these very real, tangible reminders that it can happen. But as I deposited the 6 checks for the totaled items from the accident, that did not even happen a week ago. I cried. I cried from the loss and frustration and difficulty. I cried from the fear of something worse. I cried for those who have not been so lucky and it has been worse.
It all started about 6 weeks ago. The starter went in my car. Not really a big deal at all. Jet replaced the very worn spark plugs and wires while he was at it.
About the same time, Jet took his very problematic classic hot rodded car in because he felt something was not right. The head gasket was on crooked. An expensive repair. Again. I had surprising peace about it. Once it got home, Jet did an investigation on the body as it was not making correct left hand turns. This turned into major time consuming problems. The exhaust system was not attached where it should be and tearing holes in the floor of the car. Causing problems with the frame. And then something with the subfloor. And the floor. Jet is doing this work himself, but it is time consuming. He has been working on it since. It is getting close (he thinks, but he says this many times and it is not the reality) to being done.
Pyrope had a speech screening (that took over an hour) because his speech is not normal for a child his age. I have said this for a long time, but he is not catching up. I have not received the official report, but from the comments the therapist made as we were leaving, I wouldn't be surprised if this time it actually showed a delay.
Then a little over a month, while my 19 year old brother was driving my mom's car (that they share), the engine went. Basically because of how poorly my mother has maintained the car since my father passed away.
Obsidian was playing "construction site" outside and found some small cinder blocks (they are about the size of 2 standard bricks combined), and dropped one on his toe. Because of his growth issues, this became a somewhat complicated journey to a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. He was not casted, but was out of taekwondo and all "contact type activities" for 4 weeks. I will be glad when 4 weeks is up on Monday.
Jet found my mother a new car. My mother and I got in a large fight, and she snapped. Fortunately my sister was able to calm her down.
While 19 year old brother was driving my car (somewhere he really should not have been), my car stopped driving. The alternator was going bad, he had stalled multiple times in a row, and drained the battery. (This all done after Jet and my boys were asleep). While Jet was replacing the alternator, the car slipped on the jacks and ruined the radiator (better the radiator than hurting Jet). While I was running to the store for parts, went down to my basement to find out the bottom of our hot water tank left go and we had a 75 gallon flood going on. And no hot water. Yes, while Jet is working on my car in the driveway. My car got fixed (eventually and late) that evening. We had a new tankless hot water system installed by late the next day (we had decided we were going tankless when our tank went, just not anticipating that day).
Someone from the public schools came to observe Pyrope in his class. Still haven't heard anything about that. I've called once. I will call again to keep that ball rolling. I started it rolling in January. Well, I've been trying to have it start rolling since January might be a better way to put it.
Then Jet was backing up his car, and he could not get it out of reverse. Fortunately, this happened right in front of our house so he was able to drive in reverse across our neighbor's yard to get it properly into our front yard. This same piece went on my sister's car in the fall, so he knew what was wrong. A $25 piece that is the size of a nickle. A day later, the part came in and his car was good.
Then the alternator went in my 22 year old brother's car. Jet replaced it that night. Without incident. He also replaced the spark plugs. Something is not quite right still and it should be checked out as Jet can not quite put his finger on what is wrong. We have enough of this car, that Jet can tell if something is amiss.
My sister called. She needs new suspension in her car. Jet might help with that. (You must keep in mind that all of these cars are the same make and model except for original car of my mother's, and that is just a different model).
My mom/19 year old brother's new to them car needed new spark plugs. So Jet went to replace them. I had picked them up from the part store (along with a PVC valve that was not quite right but Jet made work). When Jet went to put them in, the one spark plug was bad. The electrode was not centered as it should be, came out at an angle, and the end which should be straight and crisp edges was not. How it made it past quality control. Jet said he had never seen a spark plug bad like that from the store. When I went to return it, each of the employees asked how I knew it was bad. I replied with a simple "Look". Each replied with an "Oh.... oooh. I've never seen that before. That definitely is bad"
So last Saturday, I was driving home from biking with my 31 year old brother, SIL, nephew, and my mom. We were meeting at a restaurant afterwards. I was stopping at home to get Obsidian's shot. I was stopped at a red light. The girl (and I mean girl, she is 17) behind me did not stop. Everyone was fine. Pyrope and I had some mild whiplash, Obsidian was rear facing and had no physical complaints. Obsidian and I have had some nightmares (Obsidian's involve the glass that came flying at him, as my back glass was shattered, mine mainly revolve around the 3 teenaged pedestrians that were a couple steps away from being hit by me when my car was shoved forward). My car... totaled. Car seats, totaled. Booster seat I had from when another child was in my car earlier that day, totaled. My bike, totaled. Pyrope's bike, totaled. Seat for Obsidian on my bike, totaled. Bike rack, totaled.
I am very grateful that no one was hurt. If the circumstances had been just slightly different in any number of ways, it is very likely that would not have been the case.
However, a lot of things were 'totaled'. Most of which have to be replaced. The car seats and Pyrope's bike have been replaced (I had bought a bike the next size up on Black Friday, it was sitting in a box in our garage. It is big on Pyrope, but he can make it work. I knew I was just replacing the seats I had with the same ones, so I just ordered them.) My car is being difficult to replace. An American made, manual transmission car, for a family, is not so easy to find right now.
Then this week, 19 year old brother, driving the new to him/Mom car hit an outrigger that had fallen off of a construction truck (you know the things that stabilize machines when they are doing work, one of those). The brand new front tire. Toast. Part of the floor accordion up. Jet pounded out the rim and a new tire was purchased. Jet and brother are fixing the car. Currently the floor for part of the passenger side is made up of duct tape until a new floor can be welded in.
This too will pass. But I sure hope for some boring times for a while. I have this nagging, haunting fear right now that something else is going to happen. Something that will not be able to be fixed with time and money. For looking at the very long laundry list of things that have gone wrong, and how things could have been just slightly different and the outcome would not have been so good, no one has been hurt (well, bank accounts have been plenty hurt, but that can be replenished). It is my prayers that no one is hurt, but I keep having these very real, tangible reminders that it can happen. But as I deposited the 6 checks for the totaled items from the accident, that did not even happen a week ago. I cried. I cried from the loss and frustration and difficulty. I cried from the fear of something worse. I cried for those who have not been so lucky and it has been worse.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Proud
Yesterday, I was at T@rget, alone. I came out, it was very lightly raining. And my car wouldn't start. At this point, my car is not new. However, my car has always not liked rain. Ever. We really don't think it is the model, as Jet, my sister, and my brother all own the same model. And it is only mine that does not like the rain. If I have a problem with it, there is at least an 80% chance, it is raining. I try calling home, no answer. As I'm alone, I decide to walk (about a mile and a half). It wasn't really cold. And it was a light rain.
Jet and I come back to retrieve my car. Through his powers of deduction, he decides it is my starter. He also says, if he is correct, that if he just pulls me, I can pop the clutch and the car will start. I had heard my dad talk of how you can start a car like this. Never had done it. Jet starts pulling me (while I'm in reverse because I pulled into the parking spot) around the corner behind the building. And it worked. Easily. I think to myself, cool. Not only did I pop the clutch and get my car going, I did it on the first attempt ever, in reverse (something Jet had never done, although he has popped clutches before to start cars), going around a corner. And I think "Dad would be proud." Even at 33, this means something. And I know he would be.
Jet and I come back to retrieve my car. Through his powers of deduction, he decides it is my starter. He also says, if he is correct, that if he just pulls me, I can pop the clutch and the car will start. I had heard my dad talk of how you can start a car like this. Never had done it. Jet starts pulling me (while I'm in reverse because I pulled into the parking spot) around the corner behind the building. And it worked. Easily. I think to myself, cool. Not only did I pop the clutch and get my car going, I did it on the first attempt ever, in reverse (something Jet had never done, although he has popped clutches before to start cars), going around a corner. And I think "Dad would be proud." Even at 33, this means something. And I know he would be.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Straw
Life seems to keep throwing things at me lately. Things that I don't particularly like or want to deal with. For the most part, I'm reacting reasonably. In my view. But...
Sometimes things come up that I even think I am overreacting to.
It started with a simple statement. Jet says, "I started cleaning yesterday. You need to clean your bathroom today." This was directed at me. It irritated me. Really irritated me.
My come back "Did you call to get an appointment for the consult with the periodontist?"
"Not yet."
After a few interchanges back and forth, the real answer. He hasn't called, and isn't going to. He admits to gum problems "but no teeth have fallen out yet."
This infuriates me. I am about to give up a dream so I have a better chance at avoiding cardiovascular and kidney problems in the future. I haven't shown signs of having these problems, but it would be best as a proactive measure. However to do this, something else needs to be in place first. And that something else requires me to give up a dream. And it sucks.
I'm just furious, and sad, and mad. All over cleaning a bathroom. How ridiculous.
Sometimes things come up that I even think I am overreacting to.
It started with a simple statement. Jet says, "I started cleaning yesterday. You need to clean your bathroom today." This was directed at me. It irritated me. Really irritated me.
My come back "Did you call to get an appointment for the consult with the periodontist?"
"Not yet."
After a few interchanges back and forth, the real answer. He hasn't called, and isn't going to. He admits to gum problems "but no teeth have fallen out yet."
This infuriates me. I am about to give up a dream so I have a better chance at avoiding cardiovascular and kidney problems in the future. I haven't shown signs of having these problems, but it would be best as a proactive measure. However to do this, something else needs to be in place first. And that something else requires me to give up a dream. And it sucks.
I'm just furious, and sad, and mad. All over cleaning a bathroom. How ridiculous.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Resolutions
Typically I don't do New Year's Resolutions. This year, I have had a few goals rolling around in my head. There are parts of this year I am dreading. I know they are coming. It is how I choose to act and react to them. Also now is as good of a time as any to do something about the goals I want to achieve.
1. Read the Bible. I have wanted to read the entire Bible since I was a teenager. It has never happened. There have been several times I have worked on this goal. But I have never finished it. This is quite ridiculous as how much I read. I dusted off my "One Year Bible".
2. Lose 30 pounds by my birthday. I essentially have 9 months to do this. I have tried to lose weight in the last few months. It has not gone well. I'm thinking there are several reasons. Some medical and not in my control. Some medical and in my control. Although I really don't like the choice(s) I really need to make. Some is I just haven't been dedicated enough. So I have a game plan S0uth B3ach Diet until I lose about 25 lbs, then to transition to the D@SH diet. Dash I'm not that familiar with, but with what I have read, I should try.
3. Stop yelling as much. I have always been a yeller. My whole life. There have been points where I have done it less, with effort. As stress goes up, it comes back. I have to consciously drive it back. I need to get it down.
1. Read the Bible. I have wanted to read the entire Bible since I was a teenager. It has never happened. There have been several times I have worked on this goal. But I have never finished it. This is quite ridiculous as how much I read. I dusted off my "One Year Bible".
2. Lose 30 pounds by my birthday. I essentially have 9 months to do this. I have tried to lose weight in the last few months. It has not gone well. I'm thinking there are several reasons. Some medical and not in my control. Some medical and in my control. Although I really don't like the choice(s) I really need to make. Some is I just haven't been dedicated enough. So I have a game plan S0uth B3ach Diet until I lose about 25 lbs, then to transition to the D@SH diet. Dash I'm not that familiar with, but with what I have read, I should try.
3. Stop yelling as much. I have always been a yeller. My whole life. There have been points where I have done it less, with effort. As stress goes up, it comes back. I have to consciously drive it back. I need to get it down.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)