"I told you so"

In the weeks following my sister's engagement, she asked me if I thought there was the potential of the marriage ending in divorce. If I saw any potential challenges to the marriage. She wanted me to tell her then, so if I later told her "I told you so" during a separation she would know if I had truly thought so prior to the marriage.

I was left speechless for a minute. As my answer was trying to find the right words.

First off, I would never say "I told you so." or "I knew it." or any other such phrase to any friend, let alone sibling facing such a challenge. How entirely unhelpful and unsupportive. And what a person would need is empathy and support.

Next, every marriage has its challenges. Every marriage has the potential to end up with separation and/or divorce. Some challenges might have shadows of forewarning. Others, not so much. How willing are you and your partner to spend time on working on your marriage. To make it a healthy one. To ensure you grow together, not drift apart. Or be pushed or driven apart.

I said the above immediately, and with peace. I proceeded with caution. After all, I know her. I know how she can hold words against you. I know how she can take words more personally than intended.

Do I know you well? Yes. Have I listened to your stories of your relationship? Yes. I have meet and watched your chosen partner? Yes. Can I make guesses at where your personalities might clash some? Yes. Can I see some potentially challenging situations that will take hard work? Yes. Does any of this really predict if your marriage with be a healthy and successful in your view? No. I don't see any abuse going on. Or manipulation. Or lying. Or other behaviors that would make me warn you to leave the relationship. I would have long ago had I seen those.

I then asked her to think if she really wanted to hear my specific thoughts. And if she was willing to agree that me voicing them was not me condemning the marriage, or even doubting its ability to survive. Just observations of things that might take work, that might pan out to be challenging. With the idea of every healthy marriage has it challenges and parts that take work. I told her to call me back the next day to answer me if she really wanted to hear my thoughts. And if she would be able to move past the fact I said them.

She did. And I spoke specifics. There was silence. She quickly ended the conversation by saying what I said was nothing like the reasons others told her without her soliciting their advice. That my thoughts were about specific personality traits of both. Of potential real situations in the future. The others had been more about each of their pasts. With that she hung up. She didn't call to talk for 2 weeks. Then started to call and the conversation was never spoken of.

Then a month before her wedding came. I became a target of anger. A blind nonsensical anger that our mother even questioned what I did to incur this wrath. And I'm left wondering, did I strike too close to accurately predicting a challenge?

No matter what. I will never say "I told you so." It is one of the most useless and hurtful phrases that can be spoken when said towards a negative situation.