In the weeks following my sister's engagement, she asked me if I thought there was the potential of the marriage ending in divorce. If I saw any potential challenges to the marriage. She wanted me to tell her then, so if I later told her "I told you so" during a separation she would know if I had truly thought so prior to the marriage.
I was left speechless for a minute. As my answer was trying to find the right words.
First off, I would never say "I told you so." or "I knew it." or any other such phrase to any friend, let alone sibling facing such a challenge. How entirely unhelpful and unsupportive. And what a person would need is empathy and support.
Next, every marriage has its challenges. Every marriage has the potential to end up with separation and/or divorce. Some challenges might have shadows of forewarning. Others, not so much. How willing are you and your partner to spend time on working on your marriage. To make it a healthy one. To ensure you grow together, not drift apart. Or be pushed or driven apart.
I said the above immediately, and with peace. I proceeded with caution. After all, I know her. I know how she can hold words against you. I know how she can take words more personally than intended.
Do I know you well? Yes. Have I listened to your stories of your relationship? Yes. I have meet and watched your chosen partner? Yes. Can I make guesses at where your personalities might clash some? Yes. Can I see some potentially challenging situations that will take hard work? Yes. Does any of this really predict if your marriage with be a healthy and successful in your view? No. I don't see any abuse going on. Or manipulation. Or lying. Or other behaviors that would make me warn you to leave the relationship. I would have long ago had I seen those.
I then asked her to think if she really wanted to hear my specific thoughts. And if she was willing to agree that me voicing them was not me condemning the marriage, or even doubting its ability to survive. Just observations of things that might take work, that might pan out to be challenging. With the idea of every healthy marriage has it challenges and parts that take work. I told her to call me back the next day to answer me if she really wanted to hear my thoughts. And if she would be able to move past the fact I said them.
She did. And I spoke specifics. There was silence. She quickly ended the conversation by saying what I said was nothing like the reasons others told her without her soliciting their advice. That my thoughts were about specific personality traits of both. Of potential real situations in the future. The others had been more about each of their pasts. With that she hung up. She didn't call to talk for 2 weeks. Then started to call and the conversation was never spoken of.
Then a month before her wedding came. I became a target of anger. A blind nonsensical anger that our mother even questioned what I did to incur this wrath. And I'm left wondering, did I strike too close to accurately predicting a challenge?
No matter what. I will never say "I told you so." It is one of the most useless and hurtful phrases that can be spoken when said towards a negative situation.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
But you take care of yourself, right?
Periodically I have the same conversation. It is mostly with acquaintances or strangers. It is sometimes with coworkers or not close family members. Very very rarely with casual friends. Never with close friends. The irony is that, it is those whose least business it is feel the most free to ask me. On the other hand, my close family and friends know.
I can tell how the conversation starts if it has a chance of going 'there'. Sometimes it does, sometimes it goes a different direction.
I have Type 1 diabetes. For nearly 20 years. It is an autoimmune disease. There is nothing I did to cause it, or contribute to developing it. It is often seen at the 'bad type' of diabetes. It is not bad per say. It is a different disease with some similar end results as type 2. It has some different challenges. Some to most type 1's retain some ability to produce very small amounts of insulin because their beta cells regenerate. The large majority of type 1 women who become pregnant significantly increase the amount of insulin they produce themselves. It is never enough to go off insulin, quite the contrary, when you are pregnant you need vastly larger amounts. And then there are those of us that produce no insulin at all. And those of us in that group that become pregnant, an even smaller group still produce an absolute 0.0 even while pregnant. The people in that final group are at particularly high risk of developing complications (both during and after pregnancies). Men are the same in that there are a small group of men that produce no insulin. And even a smaller group of men that seem more prone to get complications than others with type 1. I participated in studies for both of my pregnancies. I am in the very small group that produces an absolute 0.0. This virtually guarantees I will get complications. And those complications will be more severe.
I also have another autoimmune disease. And have been slowly developing a 3rd, it is more of a question of when I will cross the clinical threshold to officially have that diagnosis. It will come.
Periodically, my health becomes more precarious than other times. For the last 6 weeks, that has been the case. I've been hospitalized and gone through a series of outpatient appointments and procedures. Some days I've felt like absolute crap, but apart from the days that I was hospitalized or banned from driving for medical reasons, only those who are close to me have any idea. Life goes on, and I go on living it. Just with added complications and tasks on my to do lists.
But then there is the casual acquaintance who starts to ask me about my diabetes. And then turns to the 'but you take care of yourself so you don't have any complications, right?' I do try to take care of myself. Very hard. Even when medical professionals accuse me otherwise. But am I 'healthy'? Do I have 'complications'? How exactly are you judging me by these measures? Do you have any idea how the cards are stacked against me? And on top of this, why do you feel it is okay to ask such a personal question?
I can tell how the conversation starts if it has a chance of going 'there'. Sometimes it does, sometimes it goes a different direction.
I have Type 1 diabetes. For nearly 20 years. It is an autoimmune disease. There is nothing I did to cause it, or contribute to developing it. It is often seen at the 'bad type' of diabetes. It is not bad per say. It is a different disease with some similar end results as type 2. It has some different challenges. Some to most type 1's retain some ability to produce very small amounts of insulin because their beta cells regenerate. The large majority of type 1 women who become pregnant significantly increase the amount of insulin they produce themselves. It is never enough to go off insulin, quite the contrary, when you are pregnant you need vastly larger amounts. And then there are those of us that produce no insulin at all. And those of us in that group that become pregnant, an even smaller group still produce an absolute 0.0 even while pregnant. The people in that final group are at particularly high risk of developing complications (both during and after pregnancies). Men are the same in that there are a small group of men that produce no insulin. And even a smaller group of men that seem more prone to get complications than others with type 1. I participated in studies for both of my pregnancies. I am in the very small group that produces an absolute 0.0. This virtually guarantees I will get complications. And those complications will be more severe.
I also have another autoimmune disease. And have been slowly developing a 3rd, it is more of a question of when I will cross the clinical threshold to officially have that diagnosis. It will come.
Periodically, my health becomes more precarious than other times. For the last 6 weeks, that has been the case. I've been hospitalized and gone through a series of outpatient appointments and procedures. Some days I've felt like absolute crap, but apart from the days that I was hospitalized or banned from driving for medical reasons, only those who are close to me have any idea. Life goes on, and I go on living it. Just with added complications and tasks on my to do lists.
But then there is the casual acquaintance who starts to ask me about my diabetes. And then turns to the 'but you take care of yourself so you don't have any complications, right?' I do try to take care of myself. Very hard. Even when medical professionals accuse me otherwise. But am I 'healthy'? Do I have 'complications'? How exactly are you judging me by these measures? Do you have any idea how the cards are stacked against me? And on top of this, why do you feel it is okay to ask such a personal question?
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Quiet victories
As I look on Facebook, friend's post about how their child got a perfect score on a test. Or has a 98% for the entire semester.
On Friday as I was walking in at the end of the day to close the book fairs financial books, one of Pyrope's teachers told me how Pyrope got a 90% on his spelling/grammer/phonics test. Granted it is a 2nd grade test and he is in 3rd, but that is what he is taking this year and he has never come close to a 90% before. It was rare that he got above a 70%, with extra supports. The 90% is him being in a class with 'just' the regular ed teacher, mainly 2nd graders (a couple other 3rd graders that are behind), and him. No extra support. So a 90% is something that was very hard to get.
Then as I was walking to get something from my car, another teacher stopped me. Pyrope was able to finish a 13 page math test (don't ask me what I think about giving ANY 8 year old a 13 page test of any kind). He did have extended time, but he was able to finish it all. This is an accomplishment in itself. This math test was the test that the regular education kids were given. He got a 71% (you need a 70% to consider to pass). Up until last spring, he was not in regular education at all for math. But he was doing fantastically well in the remedial math, 95%. However, this was at a slower pace and not covering all topics. At my pushing, he was put into regular education math, with some pull out tutoring. His grade plummeted to a 69%. However, no one, myself included, really thought he was even going to do that well. It was a very pleasant surprise to all of us. This year, it is being attempted to have an 'inclusion' math instruction. Meaning his resource room teacher team teaches with his regular education teacher. But it is the same material (for the most part). And it is working.
I don't measure success by the same measuring stick that others do. Nor do I have the easiest time to express why a 71% and a 90% on tests that were given the same day are such an accomplishment. But he knows. And I know. And his teachers know. And God knows. And that is enough.
On Friday as I was walking in at the end of the day to close the book fairs financial books, one of Pyrope's teachers told me how Pyrope got a 90% on his spelling/grammer/phonics test. Granted it is a 2nd grade test and he is in 3rd, but that is what he is taking this year and he has never come close to a 90% before. It was rare that he got above a 70%, with extra supports. The 90% is him being in a class with 'just' the regular ed teacher, mainly 2nd graders (a couple other 3rd graders that are behind), and him. No extra support. So a 90% is something that was very hard to get.
Then as I was walking to get something from my car, another teacher stopped me. Pyrope was able to finish a 13 page math test (don't ask me what I think about giving ANY 8 year old a 13 page test of any kind). He did have extended time, but he was able to finish it all. This is an accomplishment in itself. This math test was the test that the regular education kids were given. He got a 71% (you need a 70% to consider to pass). Up until last spring, he was not in regular education at all for math. But he was doing fantastically well in the remedial math, 95%. However, this was at a slower pace and not covering all topics. At my pushing, he was put into regular education math, with some pull out tutoring. His grade plummeted to a 69%. However, no one, myself included, really thought he was even going to do that well. It was a very pleasant surprise to all of us. This year, it is being attempted to have an 'inclusion' math instruction. Meaning his resource room teacher team teaches with his regular education teacher. But it is the same material (for the most part). And it is working.
I don't measure success by the same measuring stick that others do. Nor do I have the easiest time to express why a 71% and a 90% on tests that were given the same day are such an accomplishment. But he knows. And I know. And his teachers know. And God knows. And that is enough.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Preparation
Today marks the beginning of a new school year. This school year is the first time both boys start on the same day. Preschoolers and kindergarteners start after the rest of the kids go back. This last week has been full of a multitude of tasks to hopefully make the transition and the school year go smoother. The usual school supplies. New glasses for both boys (Pyrope is forever misplacing his and Obsidian's were always sliding down his nose). Emails to their teachers regarding various points of their IEPs. A meeting with 2 of Pyrope's teachers. Various tasks for the PTA to get the year going.
As I was at the school for Pyrope's meeting, I stopped and talked with two of Obsidian's teachers. They thanked me for the email I sent, as they did not receive a copy of his IEP until this morning. I walked away very disturbed by this fact. Obsidian has educational challenges, however what I was disturb with was my email was only in regard to the medical aspects of his IEP. To have his teachers not know about his medical needs up until the day before they are in charge of his well being for 7.5 hours a day, is worrisome. Very worrisome. I'm aware that there has not been any 'issues' with Obsidian at school. Although many (including school district staff) attribute that to being proactive and not letting things get to that point. Obsidian has heat intolerance, it is very hot right now. Obsidian has fasting intolerance and can not participate in very active play unless he has had a snack (and recess is before lunch), nor can he go more than 3 hours without eating (lunch is over by 12:30, school doesn't let out until 3:55). He has occasional episodes of hypoglycemia. All very important 'details' to know about a kid in your care. To not have your employer tell you about this until less than a day before... when I'm sure they have other things on their 'must do' list?
This is why I'm always so involved. Involved in ways that my boys don't necessarily see. Just trying to set the stage so they can be healthy and live up to their potential....
As I was at the school for Pyrope's meeting, I stopped and talked with two of Obsidian's teachers. They thanked me for the email I sent, as they did not receive a copy of his IEP until this morning. I walked away very disturbed by this fact. Obsidian has educational challenges, however what I was disturb with was my email was only in regard to the medical aspects of his IEP. To have his teachers not know about his medical needs up until the day before they are in charge of his well being for 7.5 hours a day, is worrisome. Very worrisome. I'm aware that there has not been any 'issues' with Obsidian at school. Although many (including school district staff) attribute that to being proactive and not letting things get to that point. Obsidian has heat intolerance, it is very hot right now. Obsidian has fasting intolerance and can not participate in very active play unless he has had a snack (and recess is before lunch), nor can he go more than 3 hours without eating (lunch is over by 12:30, school doesn't let out until 3:55). He has occasional episodes of hypoglycemia. All very important 'details' to know about a kid in your care. To not have your employer tell you about this until less than a day before... when I'm sure they have other things on their 'must do' list?
This is why I'm always so involved. Involved in ways that my boys don't necessarily see. Just trying to set the stage so they can be healthy and live up to their potential....
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Passing
Early in US history, there was a phenomena known as 'passing'. This was when an African American presented themselves as a white person to be allowed to have the rights of a white person.
Currently, 'passing' is becoming an used phrase again. But for an entirely different group of people, people with disabilities. Mainly people with autism, but all sort of people particularly with neurological disabilities are involved with this new, very-different-but-not round of 'passing'.
Neither Pyrope or Obsidian are considered neuro-typicals. Pyrope carries the autism diagnosis. Obsidian does not have an 'official' diagnosis, yet, but it is agreed it has neurological effects. I have never allowed their challenges or differences be an excuse. Partly as an extension of this, they want and try to be like their neuro-typical peers. They try to 'pass' as 'normal'. Yet, they aren't. And sometimes, they just can't. Then I'm stuck watching them fail and get in trouble over something they simply can not do that their peers can. I'm okay (not happy, but okay and for the most part accepting) with watching them fail. It is life. But watching them get yelled at and in trouble for something their bodies or minds simply can not do, drives me crazy. When do I interfere? When do I simply watch and offer comfort and advice? When do I explain while for a large part of the time they can 'pass' but sometimes they can't. And they need help. How do you teach a child, or anyone, when to try to come up with ways to compensate for your challenges, and when to offer a simple "I'm not able." because you aren't?
Currently, 'passing' is becoming an used phrase again. But for an entirely different group of people, people with disabilities. Mainly people with autism, but all sort of people particularly with neurological disabilities are involved with this new, very-different-but-not round of 'passing'.
Neither Pyrope or Obsidian are considered neuro-typicals. Pyrope carries the autism diagnosis. Obsidian does not have an 'official' diagnosis, yet, but it is agreed it has neurological effects. I have never allowed their challenges or differences be an excuse. Partly as an extension of this, they want and try to be like their neuro-typical peers. They try to 'pass' as 'normal'. Yet, they aren't. And sometimes, they just can't. Then I'm stuck watching them fail and get in trouble over something they simply can not do that their peers can. I'm okay (not happy, but okay and for the most part accepting) with watching them fail. It is life. But watching them get yelled at and in trouble for something their bodies or minds simply can not do, drives me crazy. When do I interfere? When do I simply watch and offer comfort and advice? When do I explain while for a large part of the time they can 'pass' but sometimes they can't. And they need help. How do you teach a child, or anyone, when to try to come up with ways to compensate for your challenges, and when to offer a simple "I'm not able." because you aren't?
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Straws
Recently, I've had a string of problems. Serious problems. There have been several points that I've felt that 'the straw that broke the camal's back' has landed on me. Although some of those straws were more like logs, or at least sticks.
Today I had "Thanksgiving" at my house for my family. Now it wasn't on "Thanksgiving" (as that will be in 4 days on Thursday), nor did we have any of the traditional "Thanksgiving" foods, as we will be having all of them in 4 days. My mom and my 3 youngest siblings will go and be with her family (in a group that rivals my immediate family), my brother who is closest in age and I will be going to be with our respective spouse's families.
I understand we a bit of a loud crowd. There are 4 boys essentially between the ages of 4-7 (yes, 4, 5, 6, and 7 year old). There are my 3 brothers (2 of which are 21 and 23 and play with the younger group of boys and can really add to the boisterousness of the play). There is me and my sister. Don't forget Mom. Or the 4 significant others of the siblings. My house is not tiny, but nor is it large. We are family, and talk, and tease, and play. When multiplied by our numbers (and ages, a 4 year old boy for example creates a significant larger amount of activity and noise than say a 70 year old woman, and then when you multiple it by essentially 6 boys horsing around). I had rubber bands shot all over my house. Matchbox cars launched down my stairs. Various kids and adults dressed up as minions. Rousing games of hide and seek. Spirited discussions of what is going well and not so well in everyone's lives. Two 1/2 lb Reece's Cups spit between the 4 little boys (giver of Reece's cups did not ask parents prior to giving... and after a little boy has received a Reece cup, there is no taking it away). Temporary tattoos applied. Pants getting wet by unknown means (pee? juice? water from the sink?). A random missing sock (foot still in shoe). Adults 'improving' children's toys. A child hair dresser cutting another child's hair (you would think with that many adults that it couldn't happen, but you would be wrong). I enjoyed it. My boys enjoyed it.
For Thanksgiving itself, I will be hosting Jett's family, 240 miles from here, in a hotel room, well hotel suite (it has a living room/eat-in kitchen and then a separate bedroom). It will be Jett, the boys, myself, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and her younger daughter (age 13). Her older daughter (age 18) will be with her boyfriend and his family. I will do the majority of the cooking, I will be doing the 'hosting' duties. I will pack up what I need from my house, and transport it there. My mother-in-law is not in the best of health. And she has never really liked to travel. My sister-in-law 'doesn't have the time' to make a big meal. She doesn't have a table to have a meal at in her house (Literally, there is no kitchen table or dining room table in the house, they just eat on plates sitting on the couch, in front of the TV... typically not together). I won't do Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant or sitting in front of a TV on a couch (well, couch is not big enough, so I would be on the floor, but any rate, everyone will be at a table(s) for Thanksgiving dinner if I have anything to do with it). So the hotel thing works out best. I like cooking. And I like hosting. (Do like doing both better in something larger, that at least has an oven and full size stove, that I don't have to pack up so much of my own stuff and bring, but I can make due.) For the most part, the day is spent watching TV, and having meaningless conversation about materialistic things. It annoys me. When I'm not cooking, I probably will read a large portion of a book. I will take my boys to the hotel pool by myself. Maybe my niece will join us. I will most likely not learn a single thing about what others are currently doing and liking and disliking. I don't dislike the quietness, I do dislike the not being with each other. We sit together at a table (mainly because I make us). We sit together in front of a TV. But there is no meaningful to me interaction. I try to do it with a good attitude. I reserve, I plan, I shop, I prepare food, I cook, I make sure everyone's drinks are filled, that everyone is comfortably seated, I serve, I try to keep the boys reasonably quiet, I try to have things the boys can share with their Grandma. I try to smile. I try not to bring up any offense conversation, or make any comment that is considered too offensive. I try to present the whole thing as 'good' to the kids and that I want to be there. If not, I need to graciously step aside. I do not want to pass on a 'bad' attitude or vibes to my children.
Jett spent all of the day, minus 30 minutes he was downstairs for dinner (and the first 10 minutes, he was washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen as we started to eat), upstairs, in his office. He came down after everyone left. He asked if I just found out my sister-in-law is pregnant. I was stunned. She had announced she was pregnant in June, she is due in January. How did he not know? I know, he was probably upstairs. As he is for every time family comes over that is not his family. Every time we have guests over that he did not invite.
When the boys were little, I always thought and said, that as they got older and had their interest and activities, he would be more involved. He would not go off nearly as much and do his own thing. This summer, for the first time, I realized to the extent that is just a dream and really false hope of mine. When one had a belt test, he wanted to go to a meeting of his aircraft club, so he did. When one wanted to go on his birthday to hear an orchestra play outside, he choose to stay home so he could go to bed at his normal time so he wouldn't be tired the next day at work. He didn't come to Pyrope's first hockey scrimmage of the season because it was a beautiful night to go on a motorcycle ride with a friend. Choosing to go to a slot car swap meet instead of a mass where Pyrope was reading a petition and being enrolled to receive two sacraments in the coming 7 months. And it goes on and on and on.
And I've started to truly move on without him. When I force him to go to things he doesn't want to, he continually asks when we can leave, in between sitting in a corner and reading his magazine. If he is not going to be with us when he is with us, then I don't want him there. Or if he is just visibly and verbally counting down the time to when he can leave. We will go with him to car shows, and air shows, and historic places, and museums that interest him. But don't rush me and the boys when we find something that interests one of us there more than it interests you. When you want to go to a specific museum and other sites in an area for spring break vacation, we will do it. And enjoy it with you. When we (and it is we, I enjoy the trip, and the boys have been asking ever since coming back from the same trip 2 years ago, they both bring it up at regular intervals as to when we are doing it again) want to go back to the ocean, spending a week being with extended family, playing on the beach, eating lots of food, and in general just being together come with us and enjoy it. His question is always "Well, can't you handle it on your own?" Yes, I can handle it. And I don't want to make you miserable, or to have you with a negative attitude with us. But I really really want you to want to be with us, doing things we enjoy doing. Trying to enjoy it yourself, even if it isn't your first choice. We do, and try to enjoy, things that are your first choice that aren't ours. I will do it alone, and make excuses for you not being there, before I 'make' you be there, and have you miserable, and you ruining our experience.
But I don't like it.
And I don't like making excuses. I like the idea even less of saying in front of our children the real reason of you would rather not be there doing things with them, with us, so you aren't. I know eventually, if not already, they know this. But I just can't bring myself to saying it.
I don't like being asked at school where you are. I don't like it when we go to friend's houses and be asked why you aren't there. Or why you take off immediately after eating, leaving us to socialize (and we like the socializing). I don't like showing up at family functions without you, time after time after time. I don't like the parents/teachers/coaches making comments how they never see you. And if you do happen to bring them, you go sit somewhere else reading instead of watching the boys and talking with the other parents. Seeing who their friends are. Getting to know their friends. I resent after working a day, the second I walk through the door, you take off, either to another part of the house or go somewhere. That when you get home from work, you need 'time' before you want to be with them. That if you are in charge of dinner, you make them food, give them plates in front of the TV. And even if they ask you to sit on the couch and eat with them, you go eat alone. Every. single. time.
I understand needing some me time. But a balance is needed.
Why did I not see this coming? If I did, I don't think my choices would have been the same....
Today I had "Thanksgiving" at my house for my family. Now it wasn't on "Thanksgiving" (as that will be in 4 days on Thursday), nor did we have any of the traditional "Thanksgiving" foods, as we will be having all of them in 4 days. My mom and my 3 youngest siblings will go and be with her family (in a group that rivals my immediate family), my brother who is closest in age and I will be going to be with our respective spouse's families.
I understand we a bit of a loud crowd. There are 4 boys essentially between the ages of 4-7 (yes, 4, 5, 6, and 7 year old). There are my 3 brothers (2 of which are 21 and 23 and play with the younger group of boys and can really add to the boisterousness of the play). There is me and my sister. Don't forget Mom. Or the 4 significant others of the siblings. My house is not tiny, but nor is it large. We are family, and talk, and tease, and play. When multiplied by our numbers (and ages, a 4 year old boy for example creates a significant larger amount of activity and noise than say a 70 year old woman, and then when you multiple it by essentially 6 boys horsing around). I had rubber bands shot all over my house. Matchbox cars launched down my stairs. Various kids and adults dressed up as minions. Rousing games of hide and seek. Spirited discussions of what is going well and not so well in everyone's lives. Two 1/2 lb Reece's Cups spit between the 4 little boys (giver of Reece's cups did not ask parents prior to giving... and after a little boy has received a Reece cup, there is no taking it away). Temporary tattoos applied. Pants getting wet by unknown means (pee? juice? water from the sink?). A random missing sock (foot still in shoe). Adults 'improving' children's toys. A child hair dresser cutting another child's hair (you would think with that many adults that it couldn't happen, but you would be wrong). I enjoyed it. My boys enjoyed it.
For Thanksgiving itself, I will be hosting Jett's family, 240 miles from here, in a hotel room, well hotel suite (it has a living room/eat-in kitchen and then a separate bedroom). It will be Jett, the boys, myself, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and her younger daughter (age 13). Her older daughter (age 18) will be with her boyfriend and his family. I will do the majority of the cooking, I will be doing the 'hosting' duties. I will pack up what I need from my house, and transport it there. My mother-in-law is not in the best of health. And she has never really liked to travel. My sister-in-law 'doesn't have the time' to make a big meal. She doesn't have a table to have a meal at in her house (Literally, there is no kitchen table or dining room table in the house, they just eat on plates sitting on the couch, in front of the TV... typically not together). I won't do Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant or sitting in front of a TV on a couch (well, couch is not big enough, so I would be on the floor, but any rate, everyone will be at a table(s) for Thanksgiving dinner if I have anything to do with it). So the hotel thing works out best. I like cooking. And I like hosting. (Do like doing both better in something larger, that at least has an oven and full size stove, that I don't have to pack up so much of my own stuff and bring, but I can make due.) For the most part, the day is spent watching TV, and having meaningless conversation about materialistic things. It annoys me. When I'm not cooking, I probably will read a large portion of a book. I will take my boys to the hotel pool by myself. Maybe my niece will join us. I will most likely not learn a single thing about what others are currently doing and liking and disliking. I don't dislike the quietness, I do dislike the not being with each other. We sit together at a table (mainly because I make us). We sit together in front of a TV. But there is no meaningful to me interaction. I try to do it with a good attitude. I reserve, I plan, I shop, I prepare food, I cook, I make sure everyone's drinks are filled, that everyone is comfortably seated, I serve, I try to keep the boys reasonably quiet, I try to have things the boys can share with their Grandma. I try to smile. I try not to bring up any offense conversation, or make any comment that is considered too offensive. I try to present the whole thing as 'good' to the kids and that I want to be there. If not, I need to graciously step aside. I do not want to pass on a 'bad' attitude or vibes to my children.
Jett spent all of the day, minus 30 minutes he was downstairs for dinner (and the first 10 minutes, he was washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen as we started to eat), upstairs, in his office. He came down after everyone left. He asked if I just found out my sister-in-law is pregnant. I was stunned. She had announced she was pregnant in June, she is due in January. How did he not know? I know, he was probably upstairs. As he is for every time family comes over that is not his family. Every time we have guests over that he did not invite.
When the boys were little, I always thought and said, that as they got older and had their interest and activities, he would be more involved. He would not go off nearly as much and do his own thing. This summer, for the first time, I realized to the extent that is just a dream and really false hope of mine. When one had a belt test, he wanted to go to a meeting of his aircraft club, so he did. When one wanted to go on his birthday to hear an orchestra play outside, he choose to stay home so he could go to bed at his normal time so he wouldn't be tired the next day at work. He didn't come to Pyrope's first hockey scrimmage of the season because it was a beautiful night to go on a motorcycle ride with a friend. Choosing to go to a slot car swap meet instead of a mass where Pyrope was reading a petition and being enrolled to receive two sacraments in the coming 7 months. And it goes on and on and on.
And I've started to truly move on without him. When I force him to go to things he doesn't want to, he continually asks when we can leave, in between sitting in a corner and reading his magazine. If he is not going to be with us when he is with us, then I don't want him there. Or if he is just visibly and verbally counting down the time to when he can leave. We will go with him to car shows, and air shows, and historic places, and museums that interest him. But don't rush me and the boys when we find something that interests one of us there more than it interests you. When you want to go to a specific museum and other sites in an area for spring break vacation, we will do it. And enjoy it with you. When we (and it is we, I enjoy the trip, and the boys have been asking ever since coming back from the same trip 2 years ago, they both bring it up at regular intervals as to when we are doing it again) want to go back to the ocean, spending a week being with extended family, playing on the beach, eating lots of food, and in general just being together come with us and enjoy it. His question is always "Well, can't you handle it on your own?" Yes, I can handle it. And I don't want to make you miserable, or to have you with a negative attitude with us. But I really really want you to want to be with us, doing things we enjoy doing. Trying to enjoy it yourself, even if it isn't your first choice. We do, and try to enjoy, things that are your first choice that aren't ours. I will do it alone, and make excuses for you not being there, before I 'make' you be there, and have you miserable, and you ruining our experience.
But I don't like it.
And I don't like making excuses. I like the idea even less of saying in front of our children the real reason of you would rather not be there doing things with them, with us, so you aren't. I know eventually, if not already, they know this. But I just can't bring myself to saying it.
I don't like being asked at school where you are. I don't like it when we go to friend's houses and be asked why you aren't there. Or why you take off immediately after eating, leaving us to socialize (and we like the socializing). I don't like showing up at family functions without you, time after time after time. I don't like the parents/teachers/coaches making comments how they never see you. And if you do happen to bring them, you go sit somewhere else reading instead of watching the boys and talking with the other parents. Seeing who their friends are. Getting to know their friends. I resent after working a day, the second I walk through the door, you take off, either to another part of the house or go somewhere. That when you get home from work, you need 'time' before you want to be with them. That if you are in charge of dinner, you make them food, give them plates in front of the TV. And even if they ask you to sit on the couch and eat with them, you go eat alone. Every. single. time.
I understand needing some me time. But a balance is needed.
Why did I not see this coming? If I did, I don't think my choices would have been the same....
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Being green
'It's not easy being green' said Kermit the Frog.
And right now, I quite agree. It's not easy being who I am. I'm glad I'm me, but it isn't easy at times.
A few weeks ago, I started getting suspicious that school was not going well for Pyrope. Socially, he was doing fine. Academically, I was concerned. Some of the comments he was making, and how homework was going was not pointing in a good direction. When I learned that there were going to be 3 'classrooms' with a total of 92 kids in his 'pod' (it is an 'open floor plan' school, meaning they have large spaces and then there are multiple 'classrooms' in that space with only book shelves and cabinets at best dividing them. In his 'pod' there are 2 second grades and 1 first grade, each being taught by their own teacher, all at the same time, in the same room), I was worried how he was going to be able to focus. When I found out that there were 32 kids in his class and one teacher, I was more worried. Pyrope is a child that could easily fall through the cracks. I was not getting much home as far as work was concerned, so I asked to see some work, or to at least know what his current grades were/are. I got non-answers from his regular education teacher. At that point, he was getting 30 minutes of push in services for math in the classroom, and 15 minutes of pull out services. Not by the person who helped make his education plan, but another 'special ed' teacher. A brand new special ed teacher. The SPED teacher who is responsible for his IEP, was oddly and uncharacteristically quiet the week this was really hitting the fan. I finally had enough of the email exchanges and just put in writing that I wanted a meeting of the IEP in the next two weeks. The next school day, I got a voicemail from the Principal saying that he thought that having a meeting was the best idea, but Pyrope was doing 'wonderful' this year. On Tuesday, I get 2 tests home. One in math, one in language arts. 57% and 66% respectively. Wonderful? The next day, while I was at work, I got a phone call from the SPED teacher that is responsible at the end of the day. It confirmed some of my fears. Pyrope was doing 'wonderfully' because he was sitting quietly in class. He was not particularly learning, but he wasn't causing problems. As of that day, all of his math time with the SPED teacher started being done in the resource room. I was asked to extend my 2 week time frame by a few days because the SPED teacher had been quite ill and not in school and needed a little extra time to pull together everything. I agreed. The IEP amendment meeting was this week. The going over of what was happening in math was straight forward, and I agreed. No more push in services for the year, and he will not be graded/required to complete any math papers that are done while he is in the regular ed classroom. I had gone in concerned about what was going to be done with language arts. Last year, he was keeping up with language arts in the regular classroom. It is clear, this year, he is not. He had no 'goals' on his IEP for language arts, nor was he getting any services for it. I saw the SPED teacher getting nervous. When she said "Now to talk about language." I knew where she was going, and I saved her the agony. I said I knew he was not keeping up, and what was she suggesting. It is to pull him out to the resource room for the majority of his language arts time. Each day, he will spend 65 minutes with her (not the same SPED teacher as math), and another 30 minutes daily with the Title I teacher (which also works on language arts). Essentially, he is at school 400 minutes of a day. 40 minutes is lunch and recess. 50 minutes of that is 'specials', which is art, music, library, and gym (if the school week has 5 days, then it is rotated which special they have twice that week). Between math and language arts, he will have 140 minutes of resource room (and 1-2 times a week he is pulled out for speech for 30 minutes at a time). Give or take a few minutes, he will spend half of his instructional time outside of the regular education classroom (when you factor in things like getting coats on/off, getting packed/unpacked from home, traveling to different parts of the school). Pyrope is aware of why he is not in the regular ed classroom, and frankly, he doesn't like it. He wants to be with the regular ed classroom. He also has a vague awareness of his challenges. He has an awareness that the majority of other kids in the resource room are father behind than him, he wants to be challenged. However, with his crazy 'pod' environment, coupled with the ridiculous student to teacher ratio (how can any one person teach 32 seven year olds at the same time?), with the complicating factor of Common Core: he can not effectively learn in the regular education class. I have tried to smooth things over with the explanation that different people learn differently and what is best for him at this point is to be in the smaller class for part of the day. He has voiced his dislike, but is too easy going to really fight me too much. I still feel bad. Given a smaller regular ed class, with 4 walls, he could most likely learn in it. But it is simply not an option. The options that exists at this point is staying in the regular ed classroom and not learning a lot, going into the resource room for about 1/2 of his day and most likely keep up or come close to it academically, or pull him out and homeschool him. The first is the option he wants, but as the adult, is not even a consideration at this point. I've considered homeschooling, and if the resource room option does not work out, I will do. But it is still not easy to be green. For me or for Pyrope.
And then there is Obsidian. (Academically things aren't going well for him either, but that is a different unrelated story.) Specifically Obsidian and Tae Kwon Do. 6 weeks ago, the center he goes to once again decided that how they were promoting him up is not working. So they came up with a different set of belts/promotion system for kids that start when they are 3 or 4 (there have been issues with other kids, Obsidian just sticks out more than the others because he has the physical issues on top of the young age issue). Pyrope belt tested and moved up to the next room last month. For a series of unrelated reasons, Obsidian did not belt test last month, but will this month. However, he will NOT be getting a purple belt like Pyrope. He will be getting a green belt with a black stripe, and he will be staying in the room he is in until the following belt test. At which point, Pyrope and Obsidian will have the same color belt again, but will be held to different standards, then the belt after that, Pyrope will get a brown belt, and Obsidian will 'just' get a black strip on his blue belt. Obsidian is both ticked and confused about this new sequence he is going to be going through. He has told us, "It's not fair". Jett and I both reply it is fair, Pyrope can do skills that Obsidian can not. Obsidian has to work and learn how to do those skills to be considered the same level. Then smart ass points out that at various times he will have the same belt as Pyrope but not have to do the same things. And he has never been held back before. He has points. Legitimate points. If from the beginning Obsidian did something different than Pyrope, and was promoted based on merit, not on length of time, that is what he would expect and I would doubt that there would be an issue. I would be all for it if both were promoted on merit, not time. Pyrope comes close to learning all of the needed skills in 3 months, but not quite at times. There is something to be learned, and valued, from a program where you have to correctly complete a skill to move on. If not your stuck where you are until you can. Changing the 'rules' after 20 months is hard. Particularly when you were told the rules were going to change before, but then didn't. I agree how the center is doing promotions with the youngest kids is not working. I don't particularly agree from a developmental standpoint, or a social, or moral/ethical standpoint of how they are changing it. Nor do I think it is particularly going to work. I tried talking about this, but language barriers and their lack of knowledge of typical developmental levels I did not get far. Its not easy being green. Or staying green in this case for Obsidian.
And right now, I quite agree. It's not easy being who I am. I'm glad I'm me, but it isn't easy at times.
A few weeks ago, I started getting suspicious that school was not going well for Pyrope. Socially, he was doing fine. Academically, I was concerned. Some of the comments he was making, and how homework was going was not pointing in a good direction. When I learned that there were going to be 3 'classrooms' with a total of 92 kids in his 'pod' (it is an 'open floor plan' school, meaning they have large spaces and then there are multiple 'classrooms' in that space with only book shelves and cabinets at best dividing them. In his 'pod' there are 2 second grades and 1 first grade, each being taught by their own teacher, all at the same time, in the same room), I was worried how he was going to be able to focus. When I found out that there were 32 kids in his class and one teacher, I was more worried. Pyrope is a child that could easily fall through the cracks. I was not getting much home as far as work was concerned, so I asked to see some work, or to at least know what his current grades were/are. I got non-answers from his regular education teacher. At that point, he was getting 30 minutes of push in services for math in the classroom, and 15 minutes of pull out services. Not by the person who helped make his education plan, but another 'special ed' teacher. A brand new special ed teacher. The SPED teacher who is responsible for his IEP, was oddly and uncharacteristically quiet the week this was really hitting the fan. I finally had enough of the email exchanges and just put in writing that I wanted a meeting of the IEP in the next two weeks. The next school day, I got a voicemail from the Principal saying that he thought that having a meeting was the best idea, but Pyrope was doing 'wonderful' this year. On Tuesday, I get 2 tests home. One in math, one in language arts. 57% and 66% respectively. Wonderful? The next day, while I was at work, I got a phone call from the SPED teacher that is responsible at the end of the day. It confirmed some of my fears. Pyrope was doing 'wonderfully' because he was sitting quietly in class. He was not particularly learning, but he wasn't causing problems. As of that day, all of his math time with the SPED teacher started being done in the resource room. I was asked to extend my 2 week time frame by a few days because the SPED teacher had been quite ill and not in school and needed a little extra time to pull together everything. I agreed. The IEP amendment meeting was this week. The going over of what was happening in math was straight forward, and I agreed. No more push in services for the year, and he will not be graded/required to complete any math papers that are done while he is in the regular ed classroom. I had gone in concerned about what was going to be done with language arts. Last year, he was keeping up with language arts in the regular classroom. It is clear, this year, he is not. He had no 'goals' on his IEP for language arts, nor was he getting any services for it. I saw the SPED teacher getting nervous. When she said "Now to talk about language." I knew where she was going, and I saved her the agony. I said I knew he was not keeping up, and what was she suggesting. It is to pull him out to the resource room for the majority of his language arts time. Each day, he will spend 65 minutes with her (not the same SPED teacher as math), and another 30 minutes daily with the Title I teacher (which also works on language arts). Essentially, he is at school 400 minutes of a day. 40 minutes is lunch and recess. 50 minutes of that is 'specials', which is art, music, library, and gym (if the school week has 5 days, then it is rotated which special they have twice that week). Between math and language arts, he will have 140 minutes of resource room (and 1-2 times a week he is pulled out for speech for 30 minutes at a time). Give or take a few minutes, he will spend half of his instructional time outside of the regular education classroom (when you factor in things like getting coats on/off, getting packed/unpacked from home, traveling to different parts of the school). Pyrope is aware of why he is not in the regular ed classroom, and frankly, he doesn't like it. He wants to be with the regular ed classroom. He also has a vague awareness of his challenges. He has an awareness that the majority of other kids in the resource room are father behind than him, he wants to be challenged. However, with his crazy 'pod' environment, coupled with the ridiculous student to teacher ratio (how can any one person teach 32 seven year olds at the same time?), with the complicating factor of Common Core: he can not effectively learn in the regular education class. I have tried to smooth things over with the explanation that different people learn differently and what is best for him at this point is to be in the smaller class for part of the day. He has voiced his dislike, but is too easy going to really fight me too much. I still feel bad. Given a smaller regular ed class, with 4 walls, he could most likely learn in it. But it is simply not an option. The options that exists at this point is staying in the regular ed classroom and not learning a lot, going into the resource room for about 1/2 of his day and most likely keep up or come close to it academically, or pull him out and homeschool him. The first is the option he wants, but as the adult, is not even a consideration at this point. I've considered homeschooling, and if the resource room option does not work out, I will do. But it is still not easy to be green. For me or for Pyrope.
And then there is Obsidian. (Academically things aren't going well for him either, but that is a different unrelated story.) Specifically Obsidian and Tae Kwon Do. 6 weeks ago, the center he goes to once again decided that how they were promoting him up is not working. So they came up with a different set of belts/promotion system for kids that start when they are 3 or 4 (there have been issues with other kids, Obsidian just sticks out more than the others because he has the physical issues on top of the young age issue). Pyrope belt tested and moved up to the next room last month. For a series of unrelated reasons, Obsidian did not belt test last month, but will this month. However, he will NOT be getting a purple belt like Pyrope. He will be getting a green belt with a black stripe, and he will be staying in the room he is in until the following belt test. At which point, Pyrope and Obsidian will have the same color belt again, but will be held to different standards, then the belt after that, Pyrope will get a brown belt, and Obsidian will 'just' get a black strip on his blue belt. Obsidian is both ticked and confused about this new sequence he is going to be going through. He has told us, "It's not fair". Jett and I both reply it is fair, Pyrope can do skills that Obsidian can not. Obsidian has to work and learn how to do those skills to be considered the same level. Then smart ass points out that at various times he will have the same belt as Pyrope but not have to do the same things. And he has never been held back before. He has points. Legitimate points. If from the beginning Obsidian did something different than Pyrope, and was promoted based on merit, not on length of time, that is what he would expect and I would doubt that there would be an issue. I would be all for it if both were promoted on merit, not time. Pyrope comes close to learning all of the needed skills in 3 months, but not quite at times. There is something to be learned, and valued, from a program where you have to correctly complete a skill to move on. If not your stuck where you are until you can. Changing the 'rules' after 20 months is hard. Particularly when you were told the rules were going to change before, but then didn't. I agree how the center is doing promotions with the youngest kids is not working. I don't particularly agree from a developmental standpoint, or a social, or moral/ethical standpoint of how they are changing it. Nor do I think it is particularly going to work. I tried talking about this, but language barriers and their lack of knowledge of typical developmental levels I did not get far. Its not easy being green. Or staying green in this case for Obsidian.
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