Wall

I think I've hit a wall.  Hard.  I'm bone tired.  Things have been crazier than normal for a while, but I think things have also just built up to the point I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of not knowing what to do with Pyrope and his issues.  There is something not normal about his communication, and to a lesser degree his interactions with others.  However, I'm not sure how much his social problems being very mild are a case of them being very mild or me "being on my 'A' game" with teaching him social rules since he was tiny.  Since he started preschool and had his private speech evaluation, I've come to grips with the idea that at this point he will not be able to function in a typical classroom without support.  Particularly since meeting with the parent advocate, I've come to terms with the fact that there is very little hope that I will get the school system to give him any support.  I have never wanted to homeschool my children.  With that said, I don't see how I can safely send his to school so I'm beginning to make plans for homeschooling him next year.

Since we have 'officially' stopped looking for a reason Obsidian is so small and delayed gross motor wise, I'm just weary of the questions surrounding his size and delays.  He is who he is, and at this point the benefit of further investigation doesn't outweigh the risk and cost.  I'm just watching, seeing if anything else of concern appears, or if he starts to catch up.

I'm tired of the unorganization in my house.  This is mainly my own fault.  At this point I feel overwhelemed.  I am wishing for a day or more like a few days without anyone around so I can attack it.  I want to get rid of some of the baby stuff that I thought I would use, but then didn't for either boy.  If I didn't yet, I'm not going to, regardless if I have another baby or not.

I'm tired of the 3rd kid question.  Jet feels the subject is close, he just doesn't want it.  I keep coming back to it.  I wish I could move on, but I can't seem to.  I try to ignore it, not talk about it, try not to think about it.  But it always is there.  And always comes back.  I think that I will be finding some peace about "just" having my 2 children.  And I feel extremely blessed to have my two children, and know that many many others are not so lucky.  But that 3rd boy keeps coming to my head.  Each time that another one of my friends or co workers announce an "oops" baby, I'm getting to be more and more bitter.  I want that "oops" to happen to me (but it really wouldn't be an "oops" would it?).  Then I start to think how I would feel if I was infertile, and I feel even more terrible.  Why can't I be happy, or at least be at peace with the family I do have?

I'm tired of the constant battles with medical bills.  I just want to pay the portion I owe and the rest of it go off without a hitch.

I'm tired of coordinating schedules.  Pyrope's school, Jet's four 10 hour days, Obsidian's gymnastics and PT, Pyrope and Obsidian's swimming lessons, the parent and tot events I coordiate, my mom's ability to babysit, the coordination of Jet helping fix various people's cars, my working 2 different jobs in the time I'm not "needed" to do something else.  And then the constant change of who is doing what when, being driven by whom in which vehicle.

I'm just tired.  I want to go sit on a warm (but not too hot) beach.  Or get my house in order.  Or feel like my to do list is shrinking instead of growing.