I just can't....

Obsidian had a bad day at swimming lessons.  He had a cold and a kid pushed him (nothing out of your normal preschool push, but it scared Obsidian which is understandable as they were sitting at the edge of a pool and the kid was literally 2 ti mes his size).  So Obsidian cried and in general was uncooperative.  This got him kicked out of lessons.  There are no other options for appropriate lessons for him.  He has to either be with the babies (rarely is there a kid over 18 months and none of them swim at the level he does, and I have to be in the water with him.  We go swimming together and frankly I do more with him than they do in the baby class so it is pointless.  The next class up is the one he just got kicked out of).  Swimming lessons are good for Obsidian.  Really good.  In the 6 lessons he had in the previous session, he made amazing progress.  Good progress for any kid, but amazing when you consider him and his typical progress for anything physical.  And it was carrying over to things he did on the land.  (Don't get me going about how he could do well for one session then get kicked out the next because of one bad day, the first lesson he did well.  Everyone said he did well.)  I was told he won't be welcome back until he is closer in size to other kids that take the class.  For Obsidian, this might not be until he is 5 or 6 (as he has grown recently, he is now the size of an average 13 month old, but seeing he is 28 months old, it will be a long time before he is the size of the other kids, most of the time the youngest kids in the class are around 4).  I was, and am, frustrated.  And tired.  And just want to give up.  I cried.  I let myself have a bad day.  Then I Face.booked someone I know about doing private swim lessons with Obsidian.  I've known her since she was 5.  I taught her how to ride a bike.  I taught her swimming lessons.  I baby sat her and her brother and sister.  She has now been teaching swimming lessons for 10 years (which vaguely makes me feel old that she has taught lessons for so long).  Her current work and school schedules are changing, but after that she will start with him.  My preference would be that Obsidian would be with other kids when he is learning how to swim, but since that is not possible, having him in swimming lessons period is what needs to be done.  So within 24 hours, I had an acceptable solution. 

But, I'm tired.  I don't want to deal with this.  Now or ever.  Yet I know, there will be many more problems that will arise for Obsidian.  That I will have to fight for.  And for Pyrope.  That I will have to fight for.  And I'm tired.  And I don't want to.  But I have to. 

After I was diagnosed with diabetes, I had people tell "I could never handle it.  I just couldn't give myself an injection.  I would die."  My response has always been.  "You could if you needed to."  After it became obvious that Pyrope is not developing typical and then when Obsidian had his more obvious issues the comments started with them.  "I could never have a child with special needs.  I just couldn't do it."  You could.  I didn't choose any of these situations.  I wouldn't choose them for myself and particularly for my kids, but it is what it is.

A friend from childhood was one of the most adequate people that she "could never give herself a shot".  After a series of miscarriages, she found out that she needed to take shots to give herself a chance to carry a baby to term.  During her first successful pregnancy, her husband gave her the shots.  The "I could never give myself a shot" continued, if not increased.  The next pregnancy, her husband giving the shots was the plan.  However, the day the first shot was needed, he froze.  He couldn't do it.  Several hours of talking, tears, and arguing later, he still wouldn't do it.  My friend had a moment of light that if she didn't just give herself the shot, that her child would not live.  And she gave herself the shot.  Her husband never gave her another shot.  She called me shortly after the incident and told me I was right.  She could give herself a shot.  She had to, so she did.

So as I spent Saturday wanting to quit, to not have a child with different/special issues from your typical kid, I thought about what that would entail.  My children wouldn't be any different.  They would still have their issues.  I could just "give up" and not find a different way for Obsidian to have swimming lessons.  I could just let Pyrope not get speech services or go to school in a typical kindergarten without needed supports to make him safe.  However, they would not have the best chance to excel at life and school if I did this.  I could choose to ignore my diabetes.  But I wouldn't have the best health that is possible.

So I just can't quit.  I want to.  But I can't.  At least not today.