This past weekend, my SIL and her two girls came for a long weekend (coming on Friday and leaving on Tuesday). I never look forward to the visits. I don't particularly enjoy her or her kids company. This time she managed to outdo herself.
My MIL has cancer. Stage III. It didn't respond to the first set of chemo drugs. The second set is taking its toll on her body, and has yet to show any real signs of helping with the cancer.
She is very hard to get gifts for. Very hard. She doesn't collect anything. She doesn't go out to eat. She doesn't go out much in general. She doesn't like gadgets or new things in general. She does love her grandchildren. And her children. She loves getting new pictures of her grandkids. Particularly when she gets new professional pictures of them, we hear about it for a long time.
So I thought to myself, while SIL is here, we will go and get family pictures. We being Jet, my kids, her and her kids (SIL husband was not coming, and frankly I don't think my MIL cares one way or the other about me. And it would look silly with me but not SIL husband). Jet told her the plan. The girls brought complimenting dresses. I got outfits for the boys (new ones, including shoes.... if I'm going to do something like this, I want to do it well). Once here, I bring up (again) about her being in the picture. She says she can't because she doesn't have any make-up. I offer to go and buy some. She says that would be silly. I say it would be silly to not get her picture taken for her mom. We continue to go back and forth. Her girls taking my side of the argument. Jet not commenting. SIL says to Jet at one point that she knows he really doesn't want to be in the picture so why isn't he arguing with me. He quietly observes that my reasoning for it is that their ma would love the pictures, and that there is no way he can come up with a reasonable counter argument to that. The argument continues the next morning. And at the studio. Finially, the moment comes it is now or never. I say to SIL, if your ma tells you she would really like you to do this, would you? She said yes, thinking that I had no way to do this. I pull out my cell phone and hand it to Jet to dial. He gets the evil eye from his sister. I glare. He looks at her, he looks at me. He dialed. I talk to my very confused MIL. She immediately said she would love a picture, make up or not, and kept questioning me why I would think that she would need/want SIL to have make up. I said I didn't, but to please tell SIL that she would like the picture taken. So SIL gets the phone, then begrudgingly gets in the picture. She was pouting for a lack of a better word in the pictures.
The rest of the weekend, she did things (I feel) to try to provoke or get even with me. Opening windows when the air conditioner was on. Not closing the door when she came inside/went outside (hello, air conditioning, mosquitoes!). Not showing up one night for dinner (or calling to let us know she wasn't coming). Whatever. Grow up. I refused to be provoked. I kept closing windows and doors. We waited a 1/2 hour from when we normally eat, then ate without them. Once again. Grow up.
So we drove up to visit my MIL. It is a 4 hour trip each way (well sometimes it is less, construction was heavy to put it mildly). We got there and pulled out the pictures for my MIL to choose what she wanted to keep (along with the ones I had framed). She was so excited. And confused. She didn't understand that I was talking about a professional picture. She commented that she never had a professional picture taken of the two of her kids but had always wanted one (I had planned on a picture of just the two of them, but with the torture of the one group shot, I was not up for further argument). She went around her apartment rearranging her picture several times to come up with the perfect arrangement. I'm sure it has been rearranged multiple times since then. All of her grandkids together in a professional picture (actually a couple different poses of all of them together, then each individually, then the siblings). And then the one with her kids in it as well. She then started to question me if SIL knew about this prior to her trip. I said yes. She then questioned me why SIL had not come prepared for it (meaning make up and a coordinating top, Jet choose a top to match the kids, he figured that he would be in the pictures). Or gone out and got the make up and/or top after she got here. I shrugged.
My MIL happiness over the pictures made it worth my trouble. I don't understand what made my SIL fight it. Or be so passive aggressive the rest of the trip. The pictures weren't about her. In all honesty, if she didn't like them or want to see them, then don't take any or give any out. Just give a copy to your mom. Grow up. It really was not any stretch of the imagination on my part that my MIL would love it. Why couldn't SIL just see it as a gift even if she didn't like it? Jet certainly does not enjoy taking family pictures but didn't say anything after I put out my reasoning. It gets down to: Grow up.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Friday, July 8, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Why this?
DB1 and I have fought since he was born. Our fights were always... different... than the arguments than the rest of the siblings had with each other. Deeper might be the best way to describe how, but that is not quite the right word. When we were younger, it was a constant thing. We would forgive each other, most of the time quickly, but there was always the next fight. From our mid-teens on, there have been periods of peace. When we are not fighting, I'm closer in many ways to DB1 than any of my other siblings. DB2 and DB3 have the closest relationship, but next to that, the next strongest bond was between DB1 and I. Although as my sister has grown up, our relationship has deepened (I think that a lot of that has to do with the fact that there is nearly 9 years between us. As we are getting older, the 9 years does not seem nearly as much as it did when we were say 1 and 10.) At any rate, rarely (as in I probably can count on both of my hands) the number of times that one of my other siblings or my parents have commented to me privately about sides in DB1 and my arguments (and those comments are a fairly close wash to if they agree with him or me). And I do not remember an argument that a family member has entered in on the disagreement. Ever.
In particular, since DB1's son has been born, he has done things that have really ticked off my family. Particularly my mother, my sister, and I. To a lesser extent DB3. DB2 is very hard to read in such matters and is very very difficult to really anger in general (but watch out if you do).
In the events leading up to Pyrope's birthday party, I was a slight sense that my mother was getting mad at DB1 over what was happening. To the point she might say something to him. From her comments at Pyrope's birthday party, I knew that something had happened that she was not telling me. As DB1 has made it very clear that he thinks this whole argument is set up by me, and my "fault", I have a feeling it will come back to me at some point. The fact Mom is not telling me only bothers me because it is very uncharacteristic of her. Very.
My sister is a list writer. I am too, but not to the extent my sister is. She is staying with Mom. On Mom's kitchen table was a list of what she wanted to do in the next 3 days (which this list was 4 days old at that point, but she was still working on checking things off.). The one item was write a letter to DB1. What? You have to keep in mind that DB1 and my mom live less than 3 miles apart.
I questioned my sister what she meant by that. She vaguely answered me that she is sure I'll find out from DB1, but she doesn't want my thoughts to influence what she says so she isn't going to talk about it until after it is given. And on top of that, she wants to be able to tell DB1 that I had absolutely nothing to do with the letter when he blames it all on me, which she says she is sure he will do. Grand.
To me, this fight with DB1 is nothing significantly different than similar fights we've had over the years. The subject is the same. Specific details are different, but not that different. More than anything else, I'm tired of the cycle.
What is different is that there are kids involved. Sometimes when my sister, DB2, and DB3 were little, I guess you could have said the same thing, as similar arguments happened then, but is somehow different when it is siblings.
And I have to qualify the "kids". While it is elevating the argument that it was Pyrope's birthday party that this started over (keeping in mind, that that was mainly an argument between my mother and I, and if DB1 had not sent me an email that was tangential to him not coming, everything would have ended there), my kids are not why my mother and sister are entering in. Or that DB3 has begun to make comments about the situation. It is DB1's son. A child that does not recognize a single member of my immediate family. It is the fact that they have chosen to not include us in their and his life but when we do have contact say that we should do more together. Then if/when we reach out to them, we get silence or a rebuff in return.
It has entered my mind that my sister may be trying to be a mediator. I'm praying she is. At one point, DB1's wife felt a bond with my sister that she never did with the rest of us. I haven't seen signs of it in years. But I hope it is there. I hope my sister is trying to tap into it. The realistic side of me says no. If my sister was trying to mediate, she would find a way to go over and see DB1 and SIL and talk. If sister was in a mediating or neutral mood, I would not be hearing volume of the snide comments I'm hearing her make. I doubt she would be so careful in what she is saying to me. I would think she would be encouraging me to make a peace offering. Or at a minimum trying to warm me up to the idea of some sort of peace. Typically, me offering some olive branch is how very large blow ups end. Generally one of my parents, or less frequently a sibling, comes to me and asks me to make a peace offering. And I do. I have said I'm done. And I'm guessing they sense that when I'm saying it this time, it is different than when I've said it in the past. But I have said it in the past and relented.
I'm praying that Pyrope does not put all of the pieces together that this portion of the fight erupted over his birthday party. The reality of it is that it really has very little to do with his party. It started long before. In some ways, I wish when he asked to send his cousin an invitation to his birthday party I told him no. Or I addressed it to my mom. But I let him choose. And it was sent. And everything that happened did.
Above all, I'm praying for the passage of some time. Which will come, in time. I just want to move on to the next phase. Whether it be working on a relationship with DB1 and his family, or moving our separate ways. Knowing if my mother and siblings will have a relationship with his family and I will not, or my children and I will not. Currently, the ball is not in my control. It is not time for it to be in my control. I need let my mother and sister make their moves. I'm very used to it being my decision what to do next. Right now when I sit and am quiet, and pray, I hear a resounding "Be still. This is not your time to speak. Wait." It is harder to wait than it is to do.
In particular, since DB1's son has been born, he has done things that have really ticked off my family. Particularly my mother, my sister, and I. To a lesser extent DB3. DB2 is very hard to read in such matters and is very very difficult to really anger in general (but watch out if you do).
In the events leading up to Pyrope's birthday party, I was a slight sense that my mother was getting mad at DB1 over what was happening. To the point she might say something to him. From her comments at Pyrope's birthday party, I knew that something had happened that she was not telling me. As DB1 has made it very clear that he thinks this whole argument is set up by me, and my "fault", I have a feeling it will come back to me at some point. The fact Mom is not telling me only bothers me because it is very uncharacteristic of her. Very.
My sister is a list writer. I am too, but not to the extent my sister is. She is staying with Mom. On Mom's kitchen table was a list of what she wanted to do in the next 3 days (which this list was 4 days old at that point, but she was still working on checking things off.). The one item was write a letter to DB1. What? You have to keep in mind that DB1 and my mom live less than 3 miles apart.
I questioned my sister what she meant by that. She vaguely answered me that she is sure I'll find out from DB1, but she doesn't want my thoughts to influence what she says so she isn't going to talk about it until after it is given. And on top of that, she wants to be able to tell DB1 that I had absolutely nothing to do with the letter when he blames it all on me, which she says she is sure he will do. Grand.
To me, this fight with DB1 is nothing significantly different than similar fights we've had over the years. The subject is the same. Specific details are different, but not that different. More than anything else, I'm tired of the cycle.
What is different is that there are kids involved. Sometimes when my sister, DB2, and DB3 were little, I guess you could have said the same thing, as similar arguments happened then, but is somehow different when it is siblings.
And I have to qualify the "kids". While it is elevating the argument that it was Pyrope's birthday party that this started over (keeping in mind, that that was mainly an argument between my mother and I, and if DB1 had not sent me an email that was tangential to him not coming, everything would have ended there), my kids are not why my mother and sister are entering in. Or that DB3 has begun to make comments about the situation. It is DB1's son. A child that does not recognize a single member of my immediate family. It is the fact that they have chosen to not include us in their and his life but when we do have contact say that we should do more together. Then if/when we reach out to them, we get silence or a rebuff in return.
It has entered my mind that my sister may be trying to be a mediator. I'm praying she is. At one point, DB1's wife felt a bond with my sister that she never did with the rest of us. I haven't seen signs of it in years. But I hope it is there. I hope my sister is trying to tap into it. The realistic side of me says no. If my sister was trying to mediate, she would find a way to go over and see DB1 and SIL and talk. If sister was in a mediating or neutral mood, I would not be hearing volume of the snide comments I'm hearing her make. I doubt she would be so careful in what she is saying to me. I would think she would be encouraging me to make a peace offering. Or at a minimum trying to warm me up to the idea of some sort of peace. Typically, me offering some olive branch is how very large blow ups end. Generally one of my parents, or less frequently a sibling, comes to me and asks me to make a peace offering. And I do. I have said I'm done. And I'm guessing they sense that when I'm saying it this time, it is different than when I've said it in the past. But I have said it in the past and relented.
I'm praying that Pyrope does not put all of the pieces together that this portion of the fight erupted over his birthday party. The reality of it is that it really has very little to do with his party. It started long before. In some ways, I wish when he asked to send his cousin an invitation to his birthday party I told him no. Or I addressed it to my mom. But I let him choose. And it was sent. And everything that happened did.
Above all, I'm praying for the passage of some time. Which will come, in time. I just want to move on to the next phase. Whether it be working on a relationship with DB1 and his family, or moving our separate ways. Knowing if my mother and siblings will have a relationship with his family and I will not, or my children and I will not. Currently, the ball is not in my control. It is not time for it to be in my control. I need let my mother and sister make their moves. I'm very used to it being my decision what to do next. Right now when I sit and am quiet, and pray, I hear a resounding "Be still. This is not your time to speak. Wait." It is harder to wait than it is to do.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Cross the line
As kids, there were many catch phrases. One that keeps coming back to me is "Don't cross the line". My brother that is 2.5 years younger than me (DB1), frequently heard this. My dad was always saying how DB1 "always has to test where the line is".
I think DB1 has crossed a line with me. Now I have thought he has crossed this line in the past, and maybe he has, but I have forgiven him and gone back to our old patterns. Typically with some period of peace between when he crosses the line again.
This particular line is the time he spends with my siblings, my mom (and dad before he passed), and I. Since he has been dating his now wife (I think it is around the 15 year mark), this has been an issue. There was the birthday I choose to go to her favorite restaurant so she would join us, so DB1 would join us. This might seem odd, but 4 days prior to my birthday, DB3 has his birthday. DB1 told my family he didn't come to DB3's birthday because we were having food his then girlfriend (now wife) didn't like. DB3 was upset. He wanted to see DB1 (keeping in mind this was probably his 5th or 6th birthday... I don't care what DB3 choose, he was a little kid, come! If you really don't like the food, don't eat.) So for my birthday, I asked if we went to her favorite restaurant, if he (and she, because if she didn't come, he wouldn't) would come. He said yes. We waited for 1.5 hours at our house for them so we could go. I finally called. They changed their minds, they weren't coming. I was ticked. We had take out Chinese as no one felt like much at that point. I didn't have much to do with him for the next 15 months, until my mother asked for her Christmas present from me to her that I start interacting with DB1 again. I did. There have been a series of similar incidents. There was also a period of a year that we got together at least weekly. I thought we were past our extreme issues of that nature. Then there was a major incident a couple of Christmas' ago. And another series of smaller incidents. Recently there have been other issues with DB1 and his wife. I talked here about some of my other issues with them.
At the beginning of April, I called and left a message asking about Easter plans. No reply. So I start to plan to have Easter dinner at my house. Tuesday of Holy Week (I didn't talk to my mom on Monday as it was the day taxes are due, and she is a tax preparer) I come to find out DB1 is having Easter dinner at his house. He has invited my mother, and asked her to invite DB2 (who lives locally) and DB3 and my sister (sis) if they are going to be here that day (although he only invited her the Sunday before Easter as she was trying to finish his taxes for him. This year he did good, he didn't wait until the LAST day, just the day before the last day. And as usual asked Mom for help. That last week is crazy for her at work. I would never ask her that week.) DB3 and sis were not here. Good Friday was not the best of days for me, and I left a snarky message on his answering machine (I had called on Wednesday asking him if he was coming, that message was neutral). He called me at 8 pm on Holy Saturday telling me he wasn't going to come on Easter. And that he didn't know how to reply to what day(s) would be good this summer to get together with our cousins and uncle who have not even got a chance to meet his son (although they were invited to the baby shower, but that is a different rant of how rude I find that). He said that he doesn't have much planned, so he would come if he could. I asked when he couldn't come, he replied that he didn't know, that I should just choose a date with my cousins. But it is a good idea to get together, he hasn't seen them in years. At that point I made some excuse to end the conversation.
I'm done. I sent him an email saying that unless he makes some effort to be a part of my life and my kids lives, I'm done. I have tried for years. I hated that my mom and DB2 had to juggle coming to my house and his house. (My mother is so ticked at him for mainly other reasons, but this didn't help her attitude towards him, she spent a good part of the day with my family. Played with my kids until it was time for them to have their bath, then went to his house. DB2 really wanted to see our nephew, so he came and saw my kids before their nap.) This is not the first time this scenario has occurred. As I was putting the kids to bed on Easter, I came to the conclusion, I will plan holiday family dinners. If he has chosen to be active in my life, I will include DB1. If not, I'm not. If he happens to choose the same day (which most of the time he only asks a couple days in advance), I'll move my dinner. Not for DB1 sake, but for the rest of my family. I could have made the meal for Saturday, then Mom and DB2 could have done both. Neither of them was comfortable with having to choose. I don't blame them. I don't want them to have to.
Before when I have made decisions to be done with DB1, I have been upset with no sense of peace about my choice or my actions. This time was different. I calmly wrote my email and went to bed. I would have tried to call, but it isn't really a message I want to leave on an answering machine. I would stop by his house (he lives less than 6 miles away), but he wants me to call and make sure it is okay before I stop by. But he never answers his phone. So I don't go. So I'm left with email. I briefly wondered if I should wait 24 hours before I clicked send. But then I clicked. And I've been fine with it. There has been a sense of peace about what I'm doing. My actions feel like the right course. I don't find myself second guessing if this is what I should do, or I really want to be doing.
He crossed the line. And I'm done.
I think DB1 has crossed a line with me. Now I have thought he has crossed this line in the past, and maybe he has, but I have forgiven him and gone back to our old patterns. Typically with some period of peace between when he crosses the line again.
This particular line is the time he spends with my siblings, my mom (and dad before he passed), and I. Since he has been dating his now wife (I think it is around the 15 year mark), this has been an issue. There was the birthday I choose to go to her favorite restaurant so she would join us, so DB1 would join us. This might seem odd, but 4 days prior to my birthday, DB3 has his birthday. DB1 told my family he didn't come to DB3's birthday because we were having food his then girlfriend (now wife) didn't like. DB3 was upset. He wanted to see DB1 (keeping in mind this was probably his 5th or 6th birthday... I don't care what DB3 choose, he was a little kid, come! If you really don't like the food, don't eat.) So for my birthday, I asked if we went to her favorite restaurant, if he (and she, because if she didn't come, he wouldn't) would come. He said yes. We waited for 1.5 hours at our house for them so we could go. I finally called. They changed their minds, they weren't coming. I was ticked. We had take out Chinese as no one felt like much at that point. I didn't have much to do with him for the next 15 months, until my mother asked for her Christmas present from me to her that I start interacting with DB1 again. I did. There have been a series of similar incidents. There was also a period of a year that we got together at least weekly. I thought we were past our extreme issues of that nature. Then there was a major incident a couple of Christmas' ago. And another series of smaller incidents. Recently there have been other issues with DB1 and his wife. I talked here about some of my other issues with them.
At the beginning of April, I called and left a message asking about Easter plans. No reply. So I start to plan to have Easter dinner at my house. Tuesday of Holy Week (I didn't talk to my mom on Monday as it was the day taxes are due, and she is a tax preparer) I come to find out DB1 is having Easter dinner at his house. He has invited my mother, and asked her to invite DB2 (who lives locally) and DB3 and my sister (sis) if they are going to be here that day (although he only invited her the Sunday before Easter as she was trying to finish his taxes for him. This year he did good, he didn't wait until the LAST day, just the day before the last day. And as usual asked Mom for help. That last week is crazy for her at work. I would never ask her that week.) DB3 and sis were not here. Good Friday was not the best of days for me, and I left a snarky message on his answering machine (I had called on Wednesday asking him if he was coming, that message was neutral). He called me at 8 pm on Holy Saturday telling me he wasn't going to come on Easter. And that he didn't know how to reply to what day(s) would be good this summer to get together with our cousins and uncle who have not even got a chance to meet his son (although they were invited to the baby shower, but that is a different rant of how rude I find that). He said that he doesn't have much planned, so he would come if he could. I asked when he couldn't come, he replied that he didn't know, that I should just choose a date with my cousins. But it is a good idea to get together, he hasn't seen them in years. At that point I made some excuse to end the conversation.
I'm done. I sent him an email saying that unless he makes some effort to be a part of my life and my kids lives, I'm done. I have tried for years. I hated that my mom and DB2 had to juggle coming to my house and his house. (My mother is so ticked at him for mainly other reasons, but this didn't help her attitude towards him, she spent a good part of the day with my family. Played with my kids until it was time for them to have their bath, then went to his house. DB2 really wanted to see our nephew, so he came and saw my kids before their nap.) This is not the first time this scenario has occurred. As I was putting the kids to bed on Easter, I came to the conclusion, I will plan holiday family dinners. If he has chosen to be active in my life, I will include DB1. If not, I'm not. If he happens to choose the same day (which most of the time he only asks a couple days in advance), I'll move my dinner. Not for DB1 sake, but for the rest of my family. I could have made the meal for Saturday, then Mom and DB2 could have done both. Neither of them was comfortable with having to choose. I don't blame them. I don't want them to have to.
Before when I have made decisions to be done with DB1, I have been upset with no sense of peace about my choice or my actions. This time was different. I calmly wrote my email and went to bed. I would have tried to call, but it isn't really a message I want to leave on an answering machine. I would stop by his house (he lives less than 6 miles away), but he wants me to call and make sure it is okay before I stop by. But he never answers his phone. So I don't go. So I'm left with email. I briefly wondered if I should wait 24 hours before I clicked send. But then I clicked. And I've been fine with it. There has been a sense of peace about what I'm doing. My actions feel like the right course. I don't find myself second guessing if this is what I should do, or I really want to be doing.
He crossed the line. And I'm done.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Standards
Today was the closest I've come to uncontrollably A) losing my temper B) crying or most likely C) both in a long time. I didn't. But it was close. And in many ways I wish I did.
It was back to swimming lesson drama. Inadvertently, Obsidian was allowed to sign up for swimming lessons at the rec center with Pyrope this past fall. The first lesson, the usual teacher was away. The substitute did fine with the kids. Second lesson comes, normal teacher takes one look at Obsidian and says he can't be in the lessons. He is too little, then revises it to he is too young. Substitute teacher winds up coming back for the remainder of the lessons and teaching Obsidian and one other boy that was supposed to be in the class (as his skills were far below everyone else's, including Obsidian's). I'm told that I can't sign up Obsidian for this teacher's class, but I can try the Saturday morning classes. Saturday morning classes are much much louder as there are multiple classes going on in the pool at the same time (weekday classes, it is the one class, and a few people doing water exercises, at the most). First Saturday morning class goes fine. Second Saturday morning class comes, the kid sitting next to Obsidian on the wall pushes him, and Obsidian winds up in the pool. There was no harm done, but every time Obsidian is left on the wall with the other kids (next to kid who pushed him in), he cries. I'm told he is too little and I have to wait until he is 3.5 years old and not any sooner. That is the policy, they only let him try because of the previous mistake (which I was told would not happen again). I eventually find a place that will take Obsidian for swim lessons despite his age and size. It is comically watching him in his class as he is so much smaller, and at least 6 months younger, than anyone else. He loves his swimming class. The classes are a similar quality. But I have to drive 20 minutes instead of 5 and pay twice as much. Not to mention the fact that I have to take Pyrope to the one set of lessons and Obsidian to another, instead of the 1 trip it would be to the rec center (the lessons are set up differently in that there are a lot of levels where Obsidian is now so they would be in different levels that are not offered at close to the same time, and at the rec center there are less levels so they would be in the same). But if the rule is not until you are 3.5 years old, it is the rule. When Obsidian is old enough, I was going to switch back.
Today was the 2nd class in Pyrope's swim lessons. There was a new little girl in it. She is 2.5 years old. Another mom (who knows the Obsidian swim lesson story, as her daughter was in the class this fall) asked. The teacher (same one who flat out refused to let Obsidian even try with her this fall), said that the little one will try to copy from the big kids, and the big kids will try to help the little one so it will all work out. I nearly lost it. This child has a good 4 inches and 5 pounds on Obsidian, but that is it. She is a cute little thing, and did fine in the class. She doesn't have as many skills as Obsidian, and is not as used to being in a group as he is, but she did fine. I was furious. I wanted to yell at the teacher. I wanted to cry. I didn't want to make the situation worse. I didn't want the mom to think I was mad at her (as I'm not, and we live in a small community, so chances are our paths will cross many times in the years to come). I stopped and thought. And decided I was reacting way too emotionally to be constructive. And then I was thinking more. I told the two moms that I know that I needed to go for a walk (we aren't supposed to leave the viewing area during swim lessons, but this was too much for me). I came back and was able to sit through the rest of the lesson.
I've cooled off some. I'm thinking more clearly. Tomorrow, I will go to the rec center, without my kids with me. I'll talk to the aquatic director (who will be there then, but was not today). I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. The class is limited to 4 kids. And with the little one, there is now 4. This is the last once a week session before summer. There is one twice a week session left after that, but I was unsure if I was going to do it with Pyrope anyhow. I don't do swimming lessons during the summer for the kids.
I have to say something. As it is wrong. Obsidian and the little girl are very very similar, apart from size. I was told Obsidian can not do swimming lessons because of his age and size, not his ability. This girl proves that it is not his age that is stopping him. Which leaves his size. Which is discrimination. I can not let this just happen. Even if it doesn't change things for Obsidian, that is not how things should be run.
It was back to swimming lesson drama. Inadvertently, Obsidian was allowed to sign up for swimming lessons at the rec center with Pyrope this past fall. The first lesson, the usual teacher was away. The substitute did fine with the kids. Second lesson comes, normal teacher takes one look at Obsidian and says he can't be in the lessons. He is too little, then revises it to he is too young. Substitute teacher winds up coming back for the remainder of the lessons and teaching Obsidian and one other boy that was supposed to be in the class (as his skills were far below everyone else's, including Obsidian's). I'm told that I can't sign up Obsidian for this teacher's class, but I can try the Saturday morning classes. Saturday morning classes are much much louder as there are multiple classes going on in the pool at the same time (weekday classes, it is the one class, and a few people doing water exercises, at the most). First Saturday morning class goes fine. Second Saturday morning class comes, the kid sitting next to Obsidian on the wall pushes him, and Obsidian winds up in the pool. There was no harm done, but every time Obsidian is left on the wall with the other kids (next to kid who pushed him in), he cries. I'm told he is too little and I have to wait until he is 3.5 years old and not any sooner. That is the policy, they only let him try because of the previous mistake (which I was told would not happen again). I eventually find a place that will take Obsidian for swim lessons despite his age and size. It is comically watching him in his class as he is so much smaller, and at least 6 months younger, than anyone else. He loves his swimming class. The classes are a similar quality. But I have to drive 20 minutes instead of 5 and pay twice as much. Not to mention the fact that I have to take Pyrope to the one set of lessons and Obsidian to another, instead of the 1 trip it would be to the rec center (the lessons are set up differently in that there are a lot of levels where Obsidian is now so they would be in different levels that are not offered at close to the same time, and at the rec center there are less levels so they would be in the same). But if the rule is not until you are 3.5 years old, it is the rule. When Obsidian is old enough, I was going to switch back.
Today was the 2nd class in Pyrope's swim lessons. There was a new little girl in it. She is 2.5 years old. Another mom (who knows the Obsidian swim lesson story, as her daughter was in the class this fall) asked. The teacher (same one who flat out refused to let Obsidian even try with her this fall), said that the little one will try to copy from the big kids, and the big kids will try to help the little one so it will all work out. I nearly lost it. This child has a good 4 inches and 5 pounds on Obsidian, but that is it. She is a cute little thing, and did fine in the class. She doesn't have as many skills as Obsidian, and is not as used to being in a group as he is, but she did fine. I was furious. I wanted to yell at the teacher. I wanted to cry. I didn't want to make the situation worse. I didn't want the mom to think I was mad at her (as I'm not, and we live in a small community, so chances are our paths will cross many times in the years to come). I stopped and thought. And decided I was reacting way too emotionally to be constructive. And then I was thinking more. I told the two moms that I know that I needed to go for a walk (we aren't supposed to leave the viewing area during swim lessons, but this was too much for me). I came back and was able to sit through the rest of the lesson.
I've cooled off some. I'm thinking more clearly. Tomorrow, I will go to the rec center, without my kids with me. I'll talk to the aquatic director (who will be there then, but was not today). I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. The class is limited to 4 kids. And with the little one, there is now 4. This is the last once a week session before summer. There is one twice a week session left after that, but I was unsure if I was going to do it with Pyrope anyhow. I don't do swimming lessons during the summer for the kids.
I have to say something. As it is wrong. Obsidian and the little girl are very very similar, apart from size. I was told Obsidian can not do swimming lessons because of his age and size, not his ability. This girl proves that it is not his age that is stopping him. Which leaves his size. Which is discrimination. I can not let this just happen. Even if it doesn't change things for Obsidian, that is not how things should be run.
Friday, March 11, 2011
But it is
My brother (DB1) who is closest in age (2.5 years younger than me), has always marched to his own drummer. A black sheep of sorts in my family. Not so much because we want him to be, but because he chooses to be.
He rarely returns phone calls, says he will show up and doesn't, and rarely joins us for family things unless it is a big formal event. Most things he does are last minute. He tells us he is coming at the last moment, he tells us of things he is planning at the last minute. He has a 15 month old son. I have seen him 8 times. I have held him 3 times. We live less than 8 miles apart. My mom lives less than 3 miles away. I don't think she has seen her grandson 2 dozen times.
My aunt recently made the comment "Well, at least it isn't personal."
Yes. And no.
Yes, it isn't personal in the sense, I don't think it matters my exact personality. He would do it no matter what it was. No matter why my immediate family dynamics are. I am family, and DB1, and to a greater extent his wife, have issues with his family. At Christmas, his wife's mother said to my mother, that she doesn't want my mom to baby sit my nephew because she (SIL's mother) doesn't want him to like my mom more than herself. DB1 was in the room, SIL was in the room. No one said anything, other than listen to SIL mother go on and on about how much said little boy loves her. My children love both of their grandmothers. Both have their things that they do with my children. Grandmotherhood is not a competition. Kids will love both for what that person is to them.
On the other hand, no-- it is personal. DB1 is my brother. We did a lot growing up. We did a lot as teens. I would like to be a part of his life. Or if he chooses to not, I would like less ambiguity about it. My dad and I are the only ones who ever have confronted DB1 about his behavior. And since Dad is no longer around, that leaves me. Yes, I periodically do. Then DB1 and SIL say I'm overreacting and that isn't want happens, I have conspiracy theories. My mother, sister, and other two brothers watch in silence. Not knowing what to do. After each blow up, there is inevitably a larger family event, and I wind up just moving on.
How much longer I will do this I don't know. This week, my kids had their closest friends over (a set of sisters). While they were here, my mom came over. As my mom was mobbed literally before she could close the door at my house with what games each wanted to play with her (and each wanted a different game), she made a pointed comment that she knows my kids' friends and they know her better than she knows her grandson (DB1's son). She loves playing with my kids and their friends. She was tickled pink when I called and told her the request of the day was to play with her, could she please come over? In the past she has commented that she has baby sat my friend's kids (the same ones) more than her grandson (sometimes we try to do things with just the bigs or just the littles, and she will watch the opposite 2). By a lot. My sister piped in that she has baby sat these same kids more as well (and she only has watched them a couple of times, as she lives 2 hours away but if she is visiting and they need a sitter, she'll watch them). My mom is good with kids. She loves kids. She particularly loves her kids and her grandsons.
So it is personal. Very personal.
Things that personal, you can get flairs of my temper. Each time before I see DB1 at this point, I remind myself to think before I speak. I think about monitoring my feelings, my temper. In particular, I don't want to do something I regret my kids seeing. Or my nephew. I don't want to further hurt my mother. My mother never understood me, from the time I was very little. She did understand DB1, they had a closeness that we didn't. I didn't mind it, as it was not about love. She loves both of us. I would tell her things, and I would get a blank look of not being able to understand where I was coming from. She didn't belittle this for me, we just didn't connect on that level. To be honest, we still don't. But with DB1, it was different. They seemed to understand each other. So this pushing aside is hard. I never sought her out as a child or teenager, DB1 would. Yet as an adult, I'm the one who randomly shows up at her house. Is there to help when it is needed. And has her as an active participant in my children's lives. DB1 sees her a few times a year. Typically only if he needs something or it is some major life event (not, "just because" as is the reason behind most of my kids visits and my trips to her house, or hers to mine).
I get bitter when I hear DB1 and SIL talk about watching her nephew (who is a year older than Pyrope) and his 2 half sisters (not related to SIL). Listening to all of the things they do with them, or the sleepovers they have for all 3 of them, I get bitter why we can't meet at a park. Or come to my house. Or me go to theirs.
So it is personal that DB1 doesn't return our calls, or emails, or include us in his life. I suppose I shouldn't let it hurt me, but it does. And it hurts even more to hear the pain in my mom's comments.
He rarely returns phone calls, says he will show up and doesn't, and rarely joins us for family things unless it is a big formal event. Most things he does are last minute. He tells us he is coming at the last moment, he tells us of things he is planning at the last minute. He has a 15 month old son. I have seen him 8 times. I have held him 3 times. We live less than 8 miles apart. My mom lives less than 3 miles away. I don't think she has seen her grandson 2 dozen times.
My aunt recently made the comment "Well, at least it isn't personal."
Yes. And no.
Yes, it isn't personal in the sense, I don't think it matters my exact personality. He would do it no matter what it was. No matter why my immediate family dynamics are. I am family, and DB1, and to a greater extent his wife, have issues with his family. At Christmas, his wife's mother said to my mother, that she doesn't want my mom to baby sit my nephew because she (SIL's mother) doesn't want him to like my mom more than herself. DB1 was in the room, SIL was in the room. No one said anything, other than listen to SIL mother go on and on about how much said little boy loves her. My children love both of their grandmothers. Both have their things that they do with my children. Grandmotherhood is not a competition. Kids will love both for what that person is to them.
On the other hand, no-- it is personal. DB1 is my brother. We did a lot growing up. We did a lot as teens. I would like to be a part of his life. Or if he chooses to not, I would like less ambiguity about it. My dad and I are the only ones who ever have confronted DB1 about his behavior. And since Dad is no longer around, that leaves me. Yes, I periodically do. Then DB1 and SIL say I'm overreacting and that isn't want happens, I have conspiracy theories. My mother, sister, and other two brothers watch in silence. Not knowing what to do. After each blow up, there is inevitably a larger family event, and I wind up just moving on.
How much longer I will do this I don't know. This week, my kids had their closest friends over (a set of sisters). While they were here, my mom came over. As my mom was mobbed literally before she could close the door at my house with what games each wanted to play with her (and each wanted a different game), she made a pointed comment that she knows my kids' friends and they know her better than she knows her grandson (DB1's son). She loves playing with my kids and their friends. She was tickled pink when I called and told her the request of the day was to play with her, could she please come over? In the past she has commented that she has baby sat my friend's kids (the same ones) more than her grandson (sometimes we try to do things with just the bigs or just the littles, and she will watch the opposite 2). By a lot. My sister piped in that she has baby sat these same kids more as well (and she only has watched them a couple of times, as she lives 2 hours away but if she is visiting and they need a sitter, she'll watch them). My mom is good with kids. She loves kids. She particularly loves her kids and her grandsons.
So it is personal. Very personal.
Things that personal, you can get flairs of my temper. Each time before I see DB1 at this point, I remind myself to think before I speak. I think about monitoring my feelings, my temper. In particular, I don't want to do something I regret my kids seeing. Or my nephew. I don't want to further hurt my mother. My mother never understood me, from the time I was very little. She did understand DB1, they had a closeness that we didn't. I didn't mind it, as it was not about love. She loves both of us. I would tell her things, and I would get a blank look of not being able to understand where I was coming from. She didn't belittle this for me, we just didn't connect on that level. To be honest, we still don't. But with DB1, it was different. They seemed to understand each other. So this pushing aside is hard. I never sought her out as a child or teenager, DB1 would. Yet as an adult, I'm the one who randomly shows up at her house. Is there to help when it is needed. And has her as an active participant in my children's lives. DB1 sees her a few times a year. Typically only if he needs something or it is some major life event (not, "just because" as is the reason behind most of my kids visits and my trips to her house, or hers to mine).
I get bitter when I hear DB1 and SIL talk about watching her nephew (who is a year older than Pyrope) and his 2 half sisters (not related to SIL). Listening to all of the things they do with them, or the sleepovers they have for all 3 of them, I get bitter why we can't meet at a park. Or come to my house. Or me go to theirs.
So it is personal that DB1 doesn't return our calls, or emails, or include us in his life. I suppose I shouldn't let it hurt me, but it does. And it hurts even more to hear the pain in my mom's comments.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Ready or not -- Updated
Ready or not, today, Obsidian is starting growth hormone therapy. Tonight, a nurse is coming to the house to do the training. He does not know this. As he is 2.5, I don't know how much he would understand if I tried to explain. I'm guessing he would understand the basics of "You will now get a shot everyday. For always." He knows what shots are as I have type 1 diabetes, so it is something that has always been part of his life. He hasn't been the one getting injections, but the idea of shots is a concept that he sees at home. He knows how a shot feels. I don't anticipate Obsidian is going to be happy about this. I don't know how much he will understand how these shots will (hopefully) help him grow big and be able to play with other kids longer before getting tired. I'm guessing he will understand more of it than we expect he does.
I'm not even vaguely concerned about the training. I've questioned myself about this, but each time I come up with the answer, nope. I don't think it will be much different than using an insulin pen. I know how to give injections on both myself and others. I've done it regularly (to both myself and others). I haven't given them to anyone who has been fighting against it. I hope I don't have to get too much experience with that. In the back of my head, I'm thinking I might get a lot of experience with that (but that is an entirely different issue than the training and the mechanics of how to give an injection).
I'm worried it won't work as hoped. I'm worried that Obsidian will be one of the unlucky ones that have one of the serious side effects (largest one being increase in intercranial pressure... partly because this is just bad, partly because Obsidian doesn't have the verbal skills to completely express the symptoms accurately as soon as they start appearing). A dislocated/broken hip would be bad as well. Then past the side effects part, I'm worried he won't start growing as hoped. There is not blood test that we can see if he is working right away. It is simply to wait 6 months to a year and see if he growth velocity has improved. I'm worried that ped. endo that we are meeting with later this month will not agree with this course of action and we will have to decide. I'm trying hard to "not barrow trouble". It is hard to not get really excited with the idea that the growth hurdle for Obsidian is about to be passed, I'm afraid of getting too excited about growth to be crushed months from now when nothing has changed. Which is obviously a possibility. Particularly since Obsidian is not a "textbook" growth hormone deficient (GHD) kid.
Whether or not if I'm mentally ready for it, today is the day. I don't think I would every be fully "ready" for this leap.
UPDATE: So training was all of 15 minutes, if that. Obsidian did alright. When he realized he was about to get a shot, he tried to grab it out of my hand and said "No want it. No. Don't" I did it, and then he stopped fussing and was smiling at me and the nurse and talking something about trains and fire engines.
I'm not even vaguely concerned about the training. I've questioned myself about this, but each time I come up with the answer, nope. I don't think it will be much different than using an insulin pen. I know how to give injections on both myself and others. I've done it regularly (to both myself and others). I haven't given them to anyone who has been fighting against it. I hope I don't have to get too much experience with that. In the back of my head, I'm thinking I might get a lot of experience with that (but that is an entirely different issue than the training and the mechanics of how to give an injection).
I'm worried it won't work as hoped. I'm worried that Obsidian will be one of the unlucky ones that have one of the serious side effects (largest one being increase in intercranial pressure... partly because this is just bad, partly because Obsidian doesn't have the verbal skills to completely express the symptoms accurately as soon as they start appearing). A dislocated/broken hip would be bad as well. Then past the side effects part, I'm worried he won't start growing as hoped. There is not blood test that we can see if he is working right away. It is simply to wait 6 months to a year and see if he growth velocity has improved. I'm worried that ped. endo that we are meeting with later this month will not agree with this course of action and we will have to decide. I'm trying hard to "not barrow trouble". It is hard to not get really excited with the idea that the growth hurdle for Obsidian is about to be passed, I'm afraid of getting too excited about growth to be crushed months from now when nothing has changed. Which is obviously a possibility. Particularly since Obsidian is not a "textbook" growth hormone deficient (GHD) kid.
Whether or not if I'm mentally ready for it, today is the day. I don't think I would every be fully "ready" for this leap.
UPDATE: So training was all of 15 minutes, if that. Obsidian did alright. When he realized he was about to get a shot, he tried to grab it out of my hand and said "No want it. No. Don't" I did it, and then he stopped fussing and was smiling at me and the nurse and talking something about trains and fire engines.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Grief
I've been/am in a foul mood today. My temper is short (which can be a chronic problem of mine). After overreacting an embarrassing number of times to something one of my boys did, I'm sitting and thinking to why I keep doing this. I had a short fuse as a child, but for the most part I can control it. Typically it is if I'm under stress of some sort that I can't. Obsidian is napping, and Pyrope is as well (which is very unusual, and come 10 tonight I'll be regretting it, he is snuggling next to me on the couch so I doubt the real sleep will be long).
During ice skating lessons for Pyrope, Obsidian asked to wear skates and try. I've been encouraging this. He didn't have the strength or balance to stand up on the skates without help, but he enjoyed himself for 20 minutes and was trying with me helping. I got home and there was a message on my answering machine to place the order for the growth hormone that Obsidian will be starting. Listening to the message on the answering machine, I couldn't figure out the phone number to call. Part of it was the lady was just talking fast, the other part I know was my dyslexia (which once again only really significantly affects me at this point if I'm really stressed). After trying at least a dozen times, I decide to just put Obsidian down for his nap, then call the general mail order pharmacy line (which it is a specialty item, so there is a different number, but I knew that eventually I would be connected to the right spot if I called the general line). 23 minutes later, the medication was ordered, it will ship today and be here sometime tomorrow, council by the pharmacist (which was mainly going over all of the possible side effects, some of which are scary, particularly with someone's Obsidian's age because he can't communicate as well as an older child or adult), and called a second program so the referral for the nurse to come out to our house to train us (mainly me) on how to administer it.
I really hope that this helps with Obsidian's growth issues and helps with his gross motor delays as well. I'm scared that they won't. I'm scared that he will have one of the serious side effects. I'm scared that this won't help. I'm scared that some of the other signs that Obsidian shows that are not typically associated with GHD really should be cluing in to the doctors that this is not the problem. I'm dreading Obsidian's reaction to having a shot every day. He will get over it, so this is pretty far down on my list of worries. I'm sad that even if growth hormone therapy works, it is really a patch more than anything else. It is not "fixing" anything, just replacing something on the outside. I'm sad that if it works, there is a very good chance Obsidian will have to do this every day for the rest of his life (if not for the rest of his life, at least through his teenage years).
The biggest thing is that underlying all of this is that I'm sad, a level of grief, that my child does not appear to be dealt one of the better hands health wise. It could be far far far worse, but it is still not what I had dreamed and prayed and hoped for him.
I know that after this period of grief, there will be some level of acceptance. If I work towards it. Most of my fears will abate. Obsidian will be used to the shots. My fears of side effects will fade. We will know if it is working or not. This will not "pass", but it won't feel as sharp as it does today.
During ice skating lessons for Pyrope, Obsidian asked to wear skates and try. I've been encouraging this. He didn't have the strength or balance to stand up on the skates without help, but he enjoyed himself for 20 minutes and was trying with me helping. I got home and there was a message on my answering machine to place the order for the growth hormone that Obsidian will be starting. Listening to the message on the answering machine, I couldn't figure out the phone number to call. Part of it was the lady was just talking fast, the other part I know was my dyslexia (which once again only really significantly affects me at this point if I'm really stressed). After trying at least a dozen times, I decide to just put Obsidian down for his nap, then call the general mail order pharmacy line (which it is a specialty item, so there is a different number, but I knew that eventually I would be connected to the right spot if I called the general line). 23 minutes later, the medication was ordered, it will ship today and be here sometime tomorrow, council by the pharmacist (which was mainly going over all of the possible side effects, some of which are scary, particularly with someone's Obsidian's age because he can't communicate as well as an older child or adult), and called a second program so the referral for the nurse to come out to our house to train us (mainly me) on how to administer it.
I really hope that this helps with Obsidian's growth issues and helps with his gross motor delays as well. I'm scared that they won't. I'm scared that he will have one of the serious side effects. I'm scared that this won't help. I'm scared that some of the other signs that Obsidian shows that are not typically associated with GHD really should be cluing in to the doctors that this is not the problem. I'm dreading Obsidian's reaction to having a shot every day. He will get over it, so this is pretty far down on my list of worries. I'm sad that even if growth hormone therapy works, it is really a patch more than anything else. It is not "fixing" anything, just replacing something on the outside. I'm sad that if it works, there is a very good chance Obsidian will have to do this every day for the rest of his life (if not for the rest of his life, at least through his teenage years).
The biggest thing is that underlying all of this is that I'm sad, a level of grief, that my child does not appear to be dealt one of the better hands health wise. It could be far far far worse, but it is still not what I had dreamed and prayed and hoped for him.
I know that after this period of grief, there will be some level of acceptance. If I work towards it. Most of my fears will abate. Obsidian will be used to the shots. My fears of side effects will fade. We will know if it is working or not. This will not "pass", but it won't feel as sharp as it does today.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Pouring
So, just to tick me off yesterday either (a) my primary email account got hacked into or (b) my computer picked up a nasty virus that my anti-virus and anti-spyware is not picking up. Normally I would try to fix this myself. I just don't have the time nor the temper. So with the recommendation of a friend, my computer is going in to get serviced/fixed. Rock on.
I really could have dealt without this.
Oh yes. My MIL announced that she still is not well enough from the cold she got when we were up there 2.5 weeks ago so chemo starts next week. This has me worried as my kids picked up what I assume is the same cold (she started coughing when we were there on Saturday, my kids started coughing on Sunday night), and they were fine by Wednesday. (Then we all caught an entirely different puking bug, but that is a different story). If a cold can knock her down this much, what is chemo going to do? So Jet will be gone a day next week.
I really could have dealt without this.
Oh yes. My MIL announced that she still is not well enough from the cold she got when we were up there 2.5 weeks ago so chemo starts next week. This has me worried as my kids picked up what I assume is the same cold (she started coughing when we were there on Saturday, my kids started coughing on Sunday night), and they were fine by Wednesday. (Then we all caught an entirely different puking bug, but that is a different story). If a cold can knock her down this much, what is chemo going to do? So Jet will be gone a day next week.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I just can't....
Obsidian had a bad day at swimming lessons. He had a cold and a kid pushed him (nothing out of your normal preschool push, but it scared Obsidian which is understandable as they were sitting at the edge of a pool and the kid was literally 2 ti mes his size). So Obsidian cried and in general was uncooperative. This got him kicked out of lessons. There are no other options for appropriate lessons for him. He has to either be with the babies (rarely is there a kid over 18 months and none of them swim at the level he does, and I have to be in the water with him. We go swimming together and frankly I do more with him than they do in the baby class so it is pointless. The next class up is the one he just got kicked out of). Swimming lessons are good for Obsidian. Really good. In the 6 lessons he had in the previous session, he made amazing progress. Good progress for any kid, but amazing when you consider him and his typical progress for anything physical. And it was carrying over to things he did on the land. (Don't get me going about how he could do well for one session then get kicked out the next because of one bad day, the first lesson he did well. Everyone said he did well.) I was told he won't be welcome back until he is closer in size to other kids that take the class. For Obsidian, this might not be until he is 5 or 6 (as he has grown recently, he is now the size of an average 13 month old, but seeing he is 28 months old, it will be a long time before he is the size of the other kids, most of the time the youngest kids in the class are around 4). I was, and am, frustrated. And tired. And just want to give up. I cried. I let myself have a bad day. Then I Face.booked someone I know about doing private swim lessons with Obsidian. I've known her since she was 5. I taught her how to ride a bike. I taught her swimming lessons. I baby sat her and her brother and sister. She has now been teaching swimming lessons for 10 years (which vaguely makes me feel old that she has taught lessons for so long). Her current work and school schedules are changing, but after that she will start with him. My preference would be that Obsidian would be with other kids when he is learning how to swim, but since that is not possible, having him in swimming lessons period is what needs to be done. So within 24 hours, I had an acceptable solution.
But, I'm tired. I don't want to deal with this. Now or ever. Yet I know, there will be many more problems that will arise for Obsidian. That I will have to fight for. And for Pyrope. That I will have to fight for. And I'm tired. And I don't want to. But I have to.
After I was diagnosed with diabetes, I had people tell "I could never handle it. I just couldn't give myself an injection. I would die." My response has always been. "You could if you needed to." After it became obvious that Pyrope is not developing typical and then when Obsidian had his more obvious issues the comments started with them. "I could never have a child with special needs. I just couldn't do it." You could. I didn't choose any of these situations. I wouldn't choose them for myself and particularly for my kids, but it is what it is.
A friend from childhood was one of the most adequate people that she "could never give herself a shot". After a series of miscarriages, she found out that she needed to take shots to give herself a chance to carry a baby to term. During her first successful pregnancy, her husband gave her the shots. The "I could never give myself a shot" continued, if not increased. The next pregnancy, her husband giving the shots was the plan. However, the day the first shot was needed, he froze. He couldn't do it. Several hours of talking, tears, and arguing later, he still wouldn't do it. My friend had a moment of light that if she didn't just give herself the shot, that her child would not live. And she gave herself the shot. Her husband never gave her another shot. She called me shortly after the incident and told me I was right. She could give herself a shot. She had to, so she did.
So as I spent Saturday wanting to quit, to not have a child with different/special issues from your typical kid, I thought about what that would entail. My children wouldn't be any different. They would still have their issues. I could just "give up" and not find a different way for Obsidian to have swimming lessons. I could just let Pyrope not get speech services or go to school in a typical kindergarten without needed supports to make him safe. However, they would not have the best chance to excel at life and school if I did this. I could choose to ignore my diabetes. But I wouldn't have the best health that is possible.
So I just can't quit. I want to. But I can't. At least not today.
But, I'm tired. I don't want to deal with this. Now or ever. Yet I know, there will be many more problems that will arise for Obsidian. That I will have to fight for. And for Pyrope. That I will have to fight for. And I'm tired. And I don't want to. But I have to.
After I was diagnosed with diabetes, I had people tell "I could never handle it. I just couldn't give myself an injection. I would die." My response has always been. "You could if you needed to." After it became obvious that Pyrope is not developing typical and then when Obsidian had his more obvious issues the comments started with them. "I could never have a child with special needs. I just couldn't do it." You could. I didn't choose any of these situations. I wouldn't choose them for myself and particularly for my kids, but it is what it is.
A friend from childhood was one of the most adequate people that she "could never give herself a shot". After a series of miscarriages, she found out that she needed to take shots to give herself a chance to carry a baby to term. During her first successful pregnancy, her husband gave her the shots. The "I could never give myself a shot" continued, if not increased. The next pregnancy, her husband giving the shots was the plan. However, the day the first shot was needed, he froze. He couldn't do it. Several hours of talking, tears, and arguing later, he still wouldn't do it. My friend had a moment of light that if she didn't just give herself the shot, that her child would not live. And she gave herself the shot. Her husband never gave her another shot. She called me shortly after the incident and told me I was right. She could give herself a shot. She had to, so she did.
So as I spent Saturday wanting to quit, to not have a child with different/special issues from your typical kid, I thought about what that would entail. My children wouldn't be any different. They would still have their issues. I could just "give up" and not find a different way for Obsidian to have swimming lessons. I could just let Pyrope not get speech services or go to school in a typical kindergarten without needed supports to make him safe. However, they would not have the best chance to excel at life and school if I did this. I could choose to ignore my diabetes. But I wouldn't have the best health that is possible.
So I just can't quit. I want to. But I can't. At least not today.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Swimming lessons
Swimming lessons have been part of my life for as long as I can remember. My dad was not allowed to swim until he was in high school. He learned how to swim at that point but he never could do it well. My mom learned to swim at a young age and grew up with a pool in her backyard. Her mother never learned how to swim and was very fearful of water (she did learn how to put her face in, and as a way for her kids to be able to take swimming lessons, my grandmother taught swimming lessons for years... however she only taught the lowest level where the goal was to be comfortable putting your face in the water... my grandmother had the reputation of being the best teacher for that level because of her patience. When the kids she taught found out years later that she couldn't swim and was in fact afraid of doing the very thing she taught so well, they were universally amazed). As a consequence of my dad and my maternal grandmother, I was enrolled in swimming lessons from the time I turned 1 year old until I could pass a certain level. I kept up with swimming lessons even after that point. By the time I was 13, I was teaching (at first it was just the babies 1:1, by 14 I had normal "level" classes). I taught various swim classes from that point until shortly after graduating from college.
When Pyrope was a baby, we started doing Parent and Tot classes (for the most part the classes that used to exist for babies without a parent are now gone). When he was 3, he was moved up to "Preschool" classes (no parents go in for these). Obsidian was following the same pattern. This fall when I went to sign up Pyrope for his preschool class, I noticed there was no longer an age requirement. So I asked about signing up Obsidian for the same class. I was told it was fine if he was comfortable in the water with a stranger and could wait his turn. He can do both (he can't do 30 minutes of lessons because he gets too cold, but that is a problem we have with the parent and tot one as well). He got signed up. I was sad on the first day of class the normal teacher was not there. The substitute was okay, but didn't really push Pyrope (or Obsidian but he needs less pushing and I'm less concerned about him learning the skills as quickly). Obsidian did fine. He waited his turn, he got in the pool, he tried, and he didn't cry. A 5 year in the class was fearful but listened, tried, and didn't cry. One of the 3 year olds refused (for the whole 8 weeks) to get in the water at all. The other 3 year old kept running around the deck instead of sitting and waiting his turn. The 2nd week, same thing. Week 3, the normal teacher was back, took 1 look at Obsidian and said he couldn't be in the class because he was too small and wouldn't listen. I said he had been fine the first 2 lessons. She said no and refused to let him come with her. With that, substitute teacher walked in and said the center had asked her to come in for the lessons so the class could be split (typically they limit the class to 4, and there were 5). She took the 3 year old who wouldn't go near the water and Obsidian. She was wonderful with Obsidian. He learned so much. Everyone from me, to his doctor, to his physical therapist started to notice him make significant gains (it could be coincidence, but I think it was related to what he was learning to do in the water). At the end of the session, main teacher said that next session Obsidian would have to be in the Parent and Tot class (the class requirements once again have age included). Are you kidding me? No. Parent and Tot they walk around in the water, sign song, and if the class is "good" try kicking sitting on the edge and being encouraged to put their face in. Obsidian was working on holding onto the wall and kicking, climbing out of the water by himself, bobs, alternating arm movements, and the "older" skills. The only person above the main teacher is the aquatic director. So I went in and appealed to her. She agreed to have Obsidian in the preschool class again as long as I signed up for a time that the main teacher wasn't teaching it. Fine. Guess what. Obsidian did fine (except getting cold after 20 minutes, but really that is an issue of the water temperature, air temperature, and his lack of body mass). Unfortunately, the teachers aren't nearly as good (they are all high school students, where as the main teacher taught some of my friends how to swim and the one who wound up teaching Obsidian is in her 20's). I would love to get Pyrope back in main teacher's class. Obsidian however was not exactly nice to her after he heard her saying he was too small (as in he would screech at her "I big. I swim." then spit at her... um, kid that is not really helping your case). I wish she would have looked at Obsidian for who he is and what he can do instead of his size (and to a lesser extent his age, if he had been a big 2 year old, I doubt she would have asked his age). They used to do private lessons, but stopped them. I would be willing to do that with Obsidian (I do understand he is young but at the same time skill wise, socially, and cognitively he does not fit into the baby group). I'm going to see how the remaining lessons go for Pyrope, and if he is learning anything (which the first lesson he didn't from the high schoolers) we will stay with what we have. If not, I'm back to the good fight.
When Pyrope was a baby, we started doing Parent and Tot classes (for the most part the classes that used to exist for babies without a parent are now gone). When he was 3, he was moved up to "Preschool" classes (no parents go in for these). Obsidian was following the same pattern. This fall when I went to sign up Pyrope for his preschool class, I noticed there was no longer an age requirement. So I asked about signing up Obsidian for the same class. I was told it was fine if he was comfortable in the water with a stranger and could wait his turn. He can do both (he can't do 30 minutes of lessons because he gets too cold, but that is a problem we have with the parent and tot one as well). He got signed up. I was sad on the first day of class the normal teacher was not there. The substitute was okay, but didn't really push Pyrope (or Obsidian but he needs less pushing and I'm less concerned about him learning the skills as quickly). Obsidian did fine. He waited his turn, he got in the pool, he tried, and he didn't cry. A 5 year in the class was fearful but listened, tried, and didn't cry. One of the 3 year olds refused (for the whole 8 weeks) to get in the water at all. The other 3 year old kept running around the deck instead of sitting and waiting his turn. The 2nd week, same thing. Week 3, the normal teacher was back, took 1 look at Obsidian and said he couldn't be in the class because he was too small and wouldn't listen. I said he had been fine the first 2 lessons. She said no and refused to let him come with her. With that, substitute teacher walked in and said the center had asked her to come in for the lessons so the class could be split (typically they limit the class to 4, and there were 5). She took the 3 year old who wouldn't go near the water and Obsidian. She was wonderful with Obsidian. He learned so much. Everyone from me, to his doctor, to his physical therapist started to notice him make significant gains (it could be coincidence, but I think it was related to what he was learning to do in the water). At the end of the session, main teacher said that next session Obsidian would have to be in the Parent and Tot class (the class requirements once again have age included). Are you kidding me? No. Parent and Tot they walk around in the water, sign song, and if the class is "good" try kicking sitting on the edge and being encouraged to put their face in. Obsidian was working on holding onto the wall and kicking, climbing out of the water by himself, bobs, alternating arm movements, and the "older" skills. The only person above the main teacher is the aquatic director. So I went in and appealed to her. She agreed to have Obsidian in the preschool class again as long as I signed up for a time that the main teacher wasn't teaching it. Fine. Guess what. Obsidian did fine (except getting cold after 20 minutes, but really that is an issue of the water temperature, air temperature, and his lack of body mass). Unfortunately, the teachers aren't nearly as good (they are all high school students, where as the main teacher taught some of my friends how to swim and the one who wound up teaching Obsidian is in her 20's). I would love to get Pyrope back in main teacher's class. Obsidian however was not exactly nice to her after he heard her saying he was too small (as in he would screech at her "I big. I swim." then spit at her... um, kid that is not really helping your case). I wish she would have looked at Obsidian for who he is and what he can do instead of his size (and to a lesser extent his age, if he had been a big 2 year old, I doubt she would have asked his age). They used to do private lessons, but stopped them. I would be willing to do that with Obsidian (I do understand he is young but at the same time skill wise, socially, and cognitively he does not fit into the baby group). I'm going to see how the remaining lessons go for Pyrope, and if he is learning anything (which the first lesson he didn't from the high schoolers) we will stay with what we have. If not, I'm back to the good fight.
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