Blood

There is this funny thing in life.  You choose your friends but not your family.  Which is good an bad.  For the most part, friends seem to come and go with the seasons of my life.  With a few major exceptions.  And those people I consider more of family than anything else.  Friends seem to (for the most part) naturally drift in and out of my life.  On a rare occasion, they will leave my life with a big scene.  After that, either by my choice or by theirs, they are gone.  For the most part, all of these people I call friends, close friends, have something in common with me.

And then there is family.  Ah, family.  What a complicated thing it is.  We do not choose them.  They are a group we are born or adopted into.  Family is something (except in rare extreme cases) that does not go away.  Even if we feel "done" with the relationship.  Or really don't want to continue with it.  Yes, I know you can completely cut ties.  But it is different, harder than cutting ties with friends.  Even very close friends.  Even if you do not have much in common, there is still a bond that somehow lasts longer than most other relationships.

Pyrope's birthday party was this weekend.  It was a saga getting to it.  By all stretches of the imagination and reality.  Fortunately, Pyrope was mainly unaware of the negative drama.

My mother choose the date of the party.  Long story why she choose the date she did.  But after it was chosen, the days surrounding it got blocked in, and it was the only date possible to have the party.  Then for motives I only really have conjectures of (abet strong ones that my best friend agrees are probably fairly accurate), my mother decided to go to the baby shower of my cousin's wife instead of Pyrope's birthday party.  It turned into a huge argument between me and my mother.  (The short of it is that she had chosen the date of the party, Pyrope really wanted her to be there, and she could have gone to a birthday party on Saturday and seen the same part of the family.)  We argued for a long time (as in since April when the invitation for the shower got to her and she started "thinking" about it) over what she was going to do.  After my brother (DB1) said he would go with her, she was going to do it.  I was ticked.  I argued my point.  She said no.  Fine.  I was ticked and I told her so, but she is an adult and makes her own decisions.  So then, a little over a week before the said date, I get an unfriendly email from DB1.  Now if I have a problem with a person, I try to go and see them (particularly when they live as close as we do).  If that doesn't work, I call them on the phone.  Really, an email?  (The fact that DB1 told me what he did in the form of an email is what ticked DB3 off at him.)  Now I was ticked at my mom, but nothing I wouldn't get over.  It would be a sore subject, but not a huge deal in the overall picture of our relationship.  The email from DB1 on the other hand was a lot more than ticking me off.  (Among other things, he called me a bully for trying to convince Mom that she should come to her grandson's birthday party, that I have bizarre behavior he just tries to ignore but I keep contacting him (um, but then he says how he wants to spend time with me.  Riddle me how I'm going to spend time with him when he doesn't want me to contact him, he doesn't contact me, and he doesn't want me to just show up at his house unannounced.  As almost a side note, he said how he really would like to come to Pyrope's birthday party, but because of baby shower he can't.)  I emailed him back (a VERY edited version of what I originally wrote).  I went over to my mom's house.  I told her my extreme anger at DB1 over the email and the whole situation (I wasn't expecting any sort of reply from DB1, not even a "we can't come".  Although I'm always harping at him that when someone invites you over, it is nice to call before the event starts to tell them if you are running late and will be there, or are not coming.  His other alternatives is to not call at all, or call several weeks after the event).  My mom stated she was sorry that DB1 is being such a pain (she had been saying that we were both acting like children and wished this feud would be over... however during this whole thing, I kept including her in on the emails that were being sent, and she was getting irritated as well) but she was still going to the baby shower.  DB1's wife calls a family meeting, including calling my sister who comes up (she lives about 90 miles away) for that evening.  She also states how she really wishes they could come to Pyrope's birthday party.  They really want to spend time with us.  I was so angry, I was not going to start the conversation at the family meeting/picnic.  So all of us came.  She (or DB1) didn't bring anything up.  I didn't as I was still so ticked I was afraid I would run my mouth more than I care to in front my children (and nephew, which it was the first time I've really seen him since Christmas).  As a follow up, a peace offering of sorts, I emailed DB1 a couple of things we were/are doing that he could join us.  Including one event that he suggested we just cancel because it would be a good time for them to come to Pyrope's party.  No email back.  No phone call.  Didn't show up at the event.

So the plan (as far as I knew) was to be Mom, DB1, nephew, DB1 wife, and my sister were to be at baby shower.  DB2 and DB3 at Pyrope's birthday party.  People start coming to Pyrope's birthday party early.  Like 40 minutes early for the first family (that includes Pyrope's best friend, and mine so that wasn't bad) and 30 minutes early for the second.  I'm trying to get things done that I thought I would get done before people showed up while trying to start to host.  Yeah.  The phone rings.  It is my mother.

"Uh, hi Mom."

"So when is Pyrope's birthday party starting?"

"What?"

"I don't remember when it starts."

"3.  But people are already here."

"Okay I'll be there in 10 or 15 minutes...... if that is okay with you."

"What?  Where are you?  Did you go to the shower?"

"I'm at my house.  We didn't go."

"None of you went."

"None of us went.  Can I come?"

"Sure." pause "Wait.  Who exactly is coming?" Me thinking to myself.  So okay, guests are here way early.  And I potentially have 4 adults and a kid coming that I didn't plan on.  Extra hot dogs will save the day I guess if need be.

"Just me for now.  DB3 and sister are putting in my new retaining wall and it isn't going well.  I'll be over soon."

I go back to my best friend and tell her my mom is coming.  Pyrope does a happy dance that "Grandma IS coming!!!! Yea!!!!"  My friend as several "What?" and "Why" questions I have no idea to answer.  I tell her to ask my mother if she feels like it because I certainly am not at this point.

Immediately after my mom gets there, I ask if DB1 knows he is still invited.  She answers shortly that yes, she called him after she got off the phone with me and he knows he can come.  I asked if he said if he was coming.  She gave some non-answer.  Later when I had recovered more from everything, I asked again and then asked what DB1 said.  She said I didn't want to know.  She didn't think he was coming.  (DB2 was throwing up and had a fever so he stayed away, DB3 and sister had issues with the wall and didn't make it either.  Earlier DB3 and sister assured me that the whole project would take less than 2 hours.  Most likely less than an hour.  I laughed and said it was going to be a day project, at least.  Guess who was right.)

The story comes out as far as the shower and DB1 is concerned.  Or part of it.  My mother flat out refuses to tell me all of it as "it would just make you angry".  Too late.

DB1's wife decided she couldn't go to the shower the day before it was to happen.  She is working that night.  It would make for too long of a day.  Since DB1, wife, and nephew (mainly nephew if you ask me) were not going to shower, Mom makes the decision to come to Pyrope's birthday party instead.  Now if DB1 was planning on being at the shower at the same time as Pyrope's birthday party, and the birthday party was as important to him as he and wife said, why on earth did they not come?  We are not the 4 hour each direction drive that the shower was.  Even if DB1wife had to be at work, they could drive separately.  Or just DB1 and nephew come (just Jet and my kids went to nephew's party, as he gave me 3 day notice of when the party was and I was working that weekend.  I came for the last small portion of it).

I've said that I'm done with DB1.  And after this, I'm even more done.  If he was a friend, he would simply drop off of my radar.  But he is blood.  Family.  So, at some point, I'm sure he'll make contact.  And I'll be nice. 

Hopefully by then, I will be thinking more about the things I do like about him (which there are some).  That the traits that drive me nuts will somehow fade again.  But really, if I had a choice, I would be done.  For good.  I wouldn't harbor anger at him, and I'm sure I would be friendly if we accidentally crossed paths.  But he would not be an active part of my life.  Or my children's. 

Blood ties are strong.