DB1 and I have fought since he was born. Our fights were always... different... than the arguments than the rest of the siblings had with each other. Deeper might be the best way to describe how, but that is not quite the right word. When we were younger, it was a constant thing. We would forgive each other, most of the time quickly, but there was always the next fight. From our mid-teens on, there have been periods of peace. When we are not fighting, I'm closer in many ways to DB1 than any of my other siblings. DB2 and DB3 have the closest relationship, but next to that, the next strongest bond was between DB1 and I. Although as my sister has grown up, our relationship has deepened (I think that a lot of that has to do with the fact that there is nearly 9 years between us. As we are getting older, the 9 years does not seem nearly as much as it did when we were say 1 and 10.) At any rate, rarely (as in I probably can count on both of my hands) the number of times that one of my other siblings or my parents have commented to me privately about sides in DB1 and my arguments (and those comments are a fairly close wash to if they agree with him or me). And I do not remember an argument that a family member has entered in on the disagreement. Ever.
In particular, since DB1's son has been born, he has done things that have really ticked off my family. Particularly my mother, my sister, and I. To a lesser extent DB3. DB2 is very hard to read in such matters and is very very difficult to really anger in general (but watch out if you do).
In the events leading up to Pyrope's birthday party, I was a slight sense that my mother was getting mad at DB1 over what was happening. To the point she might say something to him. From her comments at Pyrope's birthday party, I knew that something had happened that she was not telling me. As DB1 has made it very clear that he thinks this whole argument is set up by me, and my "fault", I have a feeling it will come back to me at some point. The fact Mom is not telling me only bothers me because it is very uncharacteristic of her. Very.
My sister is a list writer. I am too, but not to the extent my sister is. She is staying with Mom. On Mom's kitchen table was a list of what she wanted to do in the next 3 days (which this list was 4 days old at that point, but she was still working on checking things off.). The one item was write a letter to DB1. What? You have to keep in mind that DB1 and my mom live less than 3 miles apart.
I questioned my sister what she meant by that. She vaguely answered me that she is sure I'll find out from DB1, but she doesn't want my thoughts to influence what she says so she isn't going to talk about it until after it is given. And on top of that, she wants to be able to tell DB1 that I had absolutely nothing to do with the letter when he blames it all on me, which she says she is sure he will do. Grand.
To me, this fight with DB1 is nothing significantly different than similar fights we've had over the years. The subject is the same. Specific details are different, but not that different. More than anything else, I'm tired of the cycle.
What is different is that there are kids involved. Sometimes when my sister, DB2, and DB3 were little, I guess you could have said the same thing, as similar arguments happened then, but is somehow different when it is siblings.
And I have to qualify the "kids". While it is elevating the argument that it was Pyrope's birthday party that this started over (keeping in mind, that that was mainly an argument between my mother and I, and if DB1 had not sent me an email that was tangential to him not coming, everything would have ended there), my kids are not why my mother and sister are entering in. Or that DB3 has begun to make comments about the situation. It is DB1's son. A child that does not recognize a single member of my immediate family. It is the fact that they have chosen to not include us in their and his life but when we do have contact say that we should do more together. Then if/when we reach out to them, we get silence or a rebuff in return.
It has entered my mind that my sister may be trying to be a mediator. I'm praying she is. At one point, DB1's wife felt a bond with my sister that she never did with the rest of us. I haven't seen signs of it in years. But I hope it is there. I hope my sister is trying to tap into it. The realistic side of me says no. If my sister was trying to mediate, she would find a way to go over and see DB1 and SIL and talk. If sister was in a mediating or neutral mood, I would not be hearing volume of the snide comments I'm hearing her make. I doubt she would be so careful in what she is saying to me. I would think she would be encouraging me to make a peace offering. Or at a minimum trying to warm me up to the idea of some sort of peace. Typically, me offering some olive branch is how very large blow ups end. Generally one of my parents, or less frequently a sibling, comes to me and asks me to make a peace offering. And I do. I have said I'm done. And I'm guessing they sense that when I'm saying it this time, it is different than when I've said it in the past. But I have said it in the past and relented.
I'm praying that Pyrope does not put all of the pieces together that this portion of the fight erupted over his birthday party. The reality of it is that it really has very little to do with his party. It started long before. In some ways, I wish when he asked to send his cousin an invitation to his birthday party I told him no. Or I addressed it to my mom. But I let him choose. And it was sent. And everything that happened did.
Above all, I'm praying for the passage of some time. Which will come, in time. I just want to move on to the next phase. Whether it be working on a relationship with DB1 and his family, or moving our separate ways. Knowing if my mother and siblings will have a relationship with his family and I will not, or my children and I will not. Currently, the ball is not in my control. It is not time for it to be in my control. I need let my mother and sister make their moves. I'm very used to it being my decision what to do next. Right now when I sit and am quiet, and pray, I hear a resounding "Be still. This is not your time to speak. Wait." It is harder to wait than it is to do.
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