The ironies of life

Last night, I was sitting in my living room.  And I just thought of how ironic the scene and situation was...

Obsidian was dressed up in his Halloween costume, Th*or complete with a hammer that is 1/2 the size of Obsidian.  My son who is/was 3 standard deviations below normal for growth has chosen to be the largest Superhero of them all.  This week I have been dealing with the problems of getting him the Incrlex that he has been on since early August.  He has started to grow since starting.  Problem being it looks like he will have to stop due to insurance and doctor issues.  His appeals have been exhausted.  I have not been impressed with his doctor's office.

I was writing a long email to Pyrope's kindergarten teacher.  Things have not been going well.  It was my second long email to her this week.  The level of communication I've had with the teacher is outside of cultural norms.  I don't want to be a 'problem' parent, but at the same time I feel to give Pyrope the best education, I need to do this.  I do like the teacher.  I like her a lot.  I hope that comes across.  The irony of that situation was I was talking on the phone with my sister.  My sister is a teacher.  She was calling me to ask advice and talk because a parent of one of her students was sending her multiple harassing text messages.  This was to the point my advice was to call the police.  The police's advice was that they are going to step up patrols around her and if it gets any worse for her to leave her city and stay with a relative for the weekend.  So here I am on a Friday night email my son's teacher (hopefully in an useful way) while talking to my sister who is dealing with a parent's communication that is a very negative situation.

So I just shook my head at life, and got the kids to bed.

Sweet revenge

Today I was changing Obsidian's diaper.  A couple months ago, he had no awareness or control.  Now he does, and he could be toilet trained.  Except for the fact he does not want to.  If you try to sit him on the potty, typically he will pee on your leg.  On purpose.  Punishing him for that is only limitedly useful as it has stopped the peeing on the leg, but he won't pee on the potty.  He will either grab a diaper and hold it in front of him and pee or simply wait until a new diaper is put on.

As I was changing his diaper, I asked if he wanted to go to the potty.  He hesitated and got a glint in his eye.  I was not sure what was coming next but I knew it wouldn't be an agreement to pee in or sit on the potty.  I thought of preemptively telling him to not make a smart alec remark.  It ran though my head how if I said that prior to any comment being made, I would then be my father.  Who so frequently when I was a child, and a teenager, and to be honest up until when he passed away when I was an adult, would just tell me "Don't be a smart alec" just prior to when I was going to make a "smart alec" remark.  At the same time, I was wondering what was about to come out of Obsidian's mouth.  My dad admitted when I was an adult, sometimes he would just let me go because he was curious to what I was going to say.  I decided I wanted to hear what he was about to say so I didn't cut him off.

"You take me to Grandpa's house and I will go potty there."  A glint in his eye.

"You mean Grandma's house?"  While my mom lives in the same house she did when my dad was alive, Obsidian doesn't think of it as "Grandpa's house".  Pyrope and Obsidian are familiar with stories of both of their grandpas, but never met either of them.

"No.  Grandpa.  You take me see Grandpa, I go pee potty."  Triumph in his eye as he marched away with his new diaper on.  Briefly looking over his shoulder as I was still sitting on the floor contemplating the comment.

So while the thoughts of my dad having to deal with my "smart" comments in the flash before I knew I was going to have deal with a "smart" comment coming from my child, I couldn't help but think that my dad was watching, laughing in his deep belly laugh, and commenting how revenge is sweet.  A child that takes after me.  For the most part, my dad got the brunt of my "smart" remarks.  It has already become clear, that Obsidian directs the majority of his "smart" remarks at me, not Jet.  Jet gets some, but not nearly as much as I do, even when you consider how much more time I spend with Obsidian.

God give me the grace and strength that he gave my dad to deal with me.  He knows I need it.  (Yes, my mother was involved, very involved, but she never quite knew how to react to things like this.  Plain flat out misbehavior she was fine with.  Me with my comments that I shouldn't have said but were really appropriate, not so much.  So that I always had to deal with my dad.  His reactions were always "reasonable" to me, my mom would react so wildly different that it was fairly rare that I would make such comments to her, even by the time I was 4 or 5).  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Grow Up

This past weekend, my SIL and her two girls came for a long weekend (coming on Friday and leaving on Tuesday).  I never look forward to the visits.  I don't particularly enjoy her or her kids company.  This time she managed to outdo herself.

My MIL has cancer.  Stage III.  It didn't respond to the first set of chemo drugs.  The second set is taking its toll on her body, and has yet to show any real signs of helping with the cancer.

She is very hard to get gifts for.  Very hard.  She doesn't collect anything.  She doesn't go out to eat.  She doesn't go out much in general.  She doesn't like gadgets or new things in general.  She does love her grandchildren.  And her children.  She loves getting new pictures of her grandkids.  Particularly when she gets new professional pictures of them, we hear about it for a long time.

So I thought to myself, while SIL is here, we will go and get family pictures.  We being Jet, my kids, her and her kids (SIL husband was not coming, and frankly I don't think my MIL cares one way or the other about me.  And it would look silly with me but not SIL husband).  Jet told her the plan.  The girls brought complimenting dresses.  I got outfits for the boys (new ones, including shoes.... if I'm going to do something like this, I want to do it well).  Once here, I bring up (again) about her being in the picture.  She says she can't because she doesn't have any make-up.  I offer to go and buy some.  She says that would be silly.  I say it would be silly to not get her picture taken for her mom.  We continue to go back and forth.  Her girls taking my side of the argument.  Jet not commenting.  SIL says to Jet at one point that she knows he really doesn't want to be in the picture so why isn't he arguing with me.  He quietly observes that my reasoning for it is that their ma would love the pictures, and that there is no way he can come up with a reasonable counter argument to that.  The argument continues the next morning.  And at the studio.  Finially, the moment comes it is now or never.  I say to SIL, if your ma tells you she would really like you to do this, would you?  She said yes, thinking that I had no way to do this.  I pull out my cell phone and hand it to Jet to dial.  He gets the evil eye from his sister.  I glare.  He looks at her, he looks at me.  He dialed.  I talk to my very confused MIL.  She immediately said she would love a picture, make up or not, and kept questioning me why I would think that she would need/want SIL to have make up.  I said I didn't, but to please tell SIL that she would like the picture taken.  So SIL gets the phone, then begrudgingly gets in the picture.  She was pouting for a lack of a better word in the pictures. 

The rest of the weekend, she did things (I feel) to try to provoke or get even with me.  Opening windows when the air conditioner was on.  Not closing the door when she came inside/went outside (hello, air conditioning, mosquitoes!).  Not showing up one night for dinner (or calling to let us know she wasn't coming).  Whatever.  Grow up.  I refused to be provoked.  I kept closing windows and doors.  We waited a 1/2 hour from when we normally eat, then ate without them.  Once again.  Grow up.

So we drove up to visit my MIL.  It is a 4 hour trip each way (well sometimes it is less, construction was heavy to put it mildly).  We got there and pulled out the pictures for my MIL to choose what she wanted to keep (along with the ones I had framed).  She was so excited.  And confused.  She didn't understand that I was talking about a professional picture.  She commented that she never had a professional picture taken of the two of her kids but had always wanted one (I had planned on a picture of just the two of them, but with the torture of the one group shot, I was not up for further argument).  She went around her apartment rearranging her picture several times to come up with the perfect arrangement.  I'm sure it has been rearranged multiple times since then.  All of her grandkids together in a professional picture (actually a couple different poses of all of them together, then each individually, then the siblings).  And then the one with her kids in it as well.  She then started to question me if SIL knew about this prior to her trip.  I said yes.  She then questioned me why SIL had not come prepared for it (meaning make up and a coordinating top, Jet choose a top to match the kids, he figured that he would be in the pictures).  Or gone out and got the make up and/or top after she got here.  I shrugged.

My MIL happiness over the pictures made it worth my trouble.  I don't understand what made my SIL fight it.  Or be so passive aggressive the rest of the trip.  The pictures weren't about her.  In all honesty, if she didn't like them or want to see them, then don't take any or give any out.  Just give a copy to your mom.  Grow up.  It really was not any stretch of the imagination on my part that my MIL would love it.  Why couldn't SIL just see it as a gift even if she didn't like it?  Jet certainly does not enjoy taking family pictures but didn't say anything after I put out my reasoning.  It gets down to: Grow up.

Why this?

DB1 and I have fought since he was born.  Our fights were always... different... than the arguments than the rest of the siblings had with each other.  Deeper might be the best way to describe how, but that is not quite the right word.  When we were younger, it was a constant thing.  We would forgive each other, most of the time quickly, but there was always the next fight.  From our mid-teens on, there have been periods of peace.  When we are not fighting, I'm closer in many ways to DB1 than any of my other siblings.  DB2 and DB3 have the closest relationship, but next to that, the next strongest bond was between DB1 and I.  Although as my sister has grown up, our relationship has deepened (I think that a lot of that has to do with the fact that there is nearly 9 years between us.  As we are getting older, the 9 years does not seem nearly as much as it did when we were say 1 and 10.)  At any rate, rarely (as in I probably can count on both of my hands) the number of times that one of my other siblings or my parents have commented to me privately about sides in DB1 and my arguments (and those comments are a fairly close wash to if they agree with him or me).  And I do not remember an argument that a family member has entered in on the disagreement.  Ever.

In particular, since DB1's son has been born, he has done things that have really ticked off my family.  Particularly my mother, my sister, and I.  To a lesser extent DB3.  DB2 is very hard to read in such matters and is very very difficult to really anger in general (but watch out if you do). 

In the events leading up to Pyrope's birthday party, I was a slight sense that my mother was getting mad at DB1 over what was happening.  To the point she might say something to him.  From her comments at Pyrope's birthday party, I knew that something had happened that she was not telling me.  As DB1 has made it very clear that he thinks this whole argument is set up by me, and my "fault", I have a feeling it will come back to me at some point.  The fact Mom is not telling me only bothers me because it is very uncharacteristic of her.  Very.

My sister is a list writer.  I am too, but not to the extent my sister is.  She is staying with Mom.  On Mom's kitchen table was a list of what she wanted to do in the next 3 days (which this list was 4 days old at that point, but she was still working on checking things off.).  The one item was write a letter to DB1.  What?  You have to keep in mind that DB1 and my mom live less than 3 miles apart. 

I questioned my sister what she meant by that.  She vaguely answered me that she is sure I'll find out from DB1, but she doesn't want my thoughts to influence what she says so she isn't going to talk about it until after it is given.  And on top of that, she wants to be able to tell DB1 that I had absolutely nothing to do with the letter when he blames it all on me, which she says she is sure he will do.  Grand.

To me, this fight with DB1 is nothing significantly different than similar fights we've had over the years.  The subject is the same.  Specific details are different, but not that different.  More than anything else, I'm tired of the cycle.

What is different is that there are kids involved.  Sometimes when my sister, DB2, and DB3 were little, I guess you could have said the same thing, as similar arguments happened then, but is somehow different when it is siblings.

And I have to qualify the "kids".  While it is elevating the argument that it was Pyrope's birthday party that this started over (keeping in mind, that that was mainly an argument between my mother and I, and if DB1 had not sent me an email that was tangential to him not coming, everything would have ended there), my kids are not why my mother and sister are entering in.  Or that DB3 has begun to make comments about the situation.  It is DB1's son.  A child that does not recognize a single member of my immediate family.  It is the fact that they have chosen to not include us in their and his life but when we do have contact say that we should do more together.  Then if/when we reach out to them, we get silence or a rebuff in return.

It has entered my mind that my sister may be trying to be a mediator.  I'm praying she is.  At one point, DB1's wife felt a bond with my sister that she never did with the rest of us.  I haven't seen signs of it in years.  But I hope it is there.  I hope my sister is trying to tap into it.  The realistic side of me says no.  If my sister was trying to mediate, she would find a way to go over and see DB1 and SIL and talk.  If sister was in a mediating or neutral mood, I would not be hearing volume of the snide comments I'm hearing her make.  I doubt she would be so careful in what she is saying to me.  I would think she would be encouraging me to make a peace offering.  Or at a minimum trying to warm me up to the idea of some sort of peace.  Typically, me offering some olive branch is how very large blow ups end.  Generally one of my parents, or less frequently a sibling, comes to me and asks me to make a peace offering.  And I do.  I have said I'm done.  And I'm guessing they sense that when I'm saying it this time, it is different than when I've said it in the past.  But I have said it in the past and relented.

I'm praying that Pyrope does not put all of the pieces together that this portion of the fight erupted over his birthday party. The reality of it is that it really has very little to do with his party.  It started long before.  In some ways, I wish when he asked to send his cousin an invitation to his birthday party I told him no.  Or I addressed it to my mom.  But I let him choose.  And it was sent.  And everything that happened did.

Above all, I'm praying for the passage of some time.  Which will come, in time.  I just want to move on to the next phase.  Whether it be working on a relationship with DB1 and his family, or moving our separate ways.  Knowing if my mother and siblings will have a relationship with his family and I will not, or my children and I will not. Currently, the ball is not in my control.  It is not time for it to be in my control.  I need let my mother and sister make their moves.  I'm very used to it being my decision what to do next.  Right now when I sit and am quiet, and pray, I hear a resounding "Be still.  This is not your time to speak.  Wait."  It is harder to wait than it is to do.

Blood

There is this funny thing in life.  You choose your friends but not your family.  Which is good an bad.  For the most part, friends seem to come and go with the seasons of my life.  With a few major exceptions.  And those people I consider more of family than anything else.  Friends seem to (for the most part) naturally drift in and out of my life.  On a rare occasion, they will leave my life with a big scene.  After that, either by my choice or by theirs, they are gone.  For the most part, all of these people I call friends, close friends, have something in common with me.

And then there is family.  Ah, family.  What a complicated thing it is.  We do not choose them.  They are a group we are born or adopted into.  Family is something (except in rare extreme cases) that does not go away.  Even if we feel "done" with the relationship.  Or really don't want to continue with it.  Yes, I know you can completely cut ties.  But it is different, harder than cutting ties with friends.  Even very close friends.  Even if you do not have much in common, there is still a bond that somehow lasts longer than most other relationships.

Pyrope's birthday party was this weekend.  It was a saga getting to it.  By all stretches of the imagination and reality.  Fortunately, Pyrope was mainly unaware of the negative drama.

My mother choose the date of the party.  Long story why she choose the date she did.  But after it was chosen, the days surrounding it got blocked in, and it was the only date possible to have the party.  Then for motives I only really have conjectures of (abet strong ones that my best friend agrees are probably fairly accurate), my mother decided to go to the baby shower of my cousin's wife instead of Pyrope's birthday party.  It turned into a huge argument between me and my mother.  (The short of it is that she had chosen the date of the party, Pyrope really wanted her to be there, and she could have gone to a birthday party on Saturday and seen the same part of the family.)  We argued for a long time (as in since April when the invitation for the shower got to her and she started "thinking" about it) over what she was going to do.  After my brother (DB1) said he would go with her, she was going to do it.  I was ticked.  I argued my point.  She said no.  Fine.  I was ticked and I told her so, but she is an adult and makes her own decisions.  So then, a little over a week before the said date, I get an unfriendly email from DB1.  Now if I have a problem with a person, I try to go and see them (particularly when they live as close as we do).  If that doesn't work, I call them on the phone.  Really, an email?  (The fact that DB1 told me what he did in the form of an email is what ticked DB3 off at him.)  Now I was ticked at my mom, but nothing I wouldn't get over.  It would be a sore subject, but not a huge deal in the overall picture of our relationship.  The email from DB1 on the other hand was a lot more than ticking me off.  (Among other things, he called me a bully for trying to convince Mom that she should come to her grandson's birthday party, that I have bizarre behavior he just tries to ignore but I keep contacting him (um, but then he says how he wants to spend time with me.  Riddle me how I'm going to spend time with him when he doesn't want me to contact him, he doesn't contact me, and he doesn't want me to just show up at his house unannounced.  As almost a side note, he said how he really would like to come to Pyrope's birthday party, but because of baby shower he can't.)  I emailed him back (a VERY edited version of what I originally wrote).  I went over to my mom's house.  I told her my extreme anger at DB1 over the email and the whole situation (I wasn't expecting any sort of reply from DB1, not even a "we can't come".  Although I'm always harping at him that when someone invites you over, it is nice to call before the event starts to tell them if you are running late and will be there, or are not coming.  His other alternatives is to not call at all, or call several weeks after the event).  My mom stated she was sorry that DB1 is being such a pain (she had been saying that we were both acting like children and wished this feud would be over... however during this whole thing, I kept including her in on the emails that were being sent, and she was getting irritated as well) but she was still going to the baby shower.  DB1's wife calls a family meeting, including calling my sister who comes up (she lives about 90 miles away) for that evening.  She also states how she really wishes they could come to Pyrope's birthday party.  They really want to spend time with us.  I was so angry, I was not going to start the conversation at the family meeting/picnic.  So all of us came.  She (or DB1) didn't bring anything up.  I didn't as I was still so ticked I was afraid I would run my mouth more than I care to in front my children (and nephew, which it was the first time I've really seen him since Christmas).  As a follow up, a peace offering of sorts, I emailed DB1 a couple of things we were/are doing that he could join us.  Including one event that he suggested we just cancel because it would be a good time for them to come to Pyrope's party.  No email back.  No phone call.  Didn't show up at the event.

So the plan (as far as I knew) was to be Mom, DB1, nephew, DB1 wife, and my sister were to be at baby shower.  DB2 and DB3 at Pyrope's birthday party.  People start coming to Pyrope's birthday party early.  Like 40 minutes early for the first family (that includes Pyrope's best friend, and mine so that wasn't bad) and 30 minutes early for the second.  I'm trying to get things done that I thought I would get done before people showed up while trying to start to host.  Yeah.  The phone rings.  It is my mother.

"Uh, hi Mom."

"So when is Pyrope's birthday party starting?"

"What?"

"I don't remember when it starts."

"3.  But people are already here."

"Okay I'll be there in 10 or 15 minutes...... if that is okay with you."

"What?  Where are you?  Did you go to the shower?"

"I'm at my house.  We didn't go."

"None of you went."

"None of us went.  Can I come?"

"Sure." pause "Wait.  Who exactly is coming?" Me thinking to myself.  So okay, guests are here way early.  And I potentially have 4 adults and a kid coming that I didn't plan on.  Extra hot dogs will save the day I guess if need be.

"Just me for now.  DB3 and sister are putting in my new retaining wall and it isn't going well.  I'll be over soon."

I go back to my best friend and tell her my mom is coming.  Pyrope does a happy dance that "Grandma IS coming!!!! Yea!!!!"  My friend as several "What?" and "Why" questions I have no idea to answer.  I tell her to ask my mother if she feels like it because I certainly am not at this point.

Immediately after my mom gets there, I ask if DB1 knows he is still invited.  She answers shortly that yes, she called him after she got off the phone with me and he knows he can come.  I asked if he said if he was coming.  She gave some non-answer.  Later when I had recovered more from everything, I asked again and then asked what DB1 said.  She said I didn't want to know.  She didn't think he was coming.  (DB2 was throwing up and had a fever so he stayed away, DB3 and sister had issues with the wall and didn't make it either.  Earlier DB3 and sister assured me that the whole project would take less than 2 hours.  Most likely less than an hour.  I laughed and said it was going to be a day project, at least.  Guess who was right.)

The story comes out as far as the shower and DB1 is concerned.  Or part of it.  My mother flat out refuses to tell me all of it as "it would just make you angry".  Too late.

DB1's wife decided she couldn't go to the shower the day before it was to happen.  She is working that night.  It would make for too long of a day.  Since DB1, wife, and nephew (mainly nephew if you ask me) were not going to shower, Mom makes the decision to come to Pyrope's birthday party instead.  Now if DB1 was planning on being at the shower at the same time as Pyrope's birthday party, and the birthday party was as important to him as he and wife said, why on earth did they not come?  We are not the 4 hour each direction drive that the shower was.  Even if DB1wife had to be at work, they could drive separately.  Or just DB1 and nephew come (just Jet and my kids went to nephew's party, as he gave me 3 day notice of when the party was and I was working that weekend.  I came for the last small portion of it).

I've said that I'm done with DB1.  And after this, I'm even more done.  If he was a friend, he would simply drop off of my radar.  But he is blood.  Family.  So, at some point, I'm sure he'll make contact.  And I'll be nice. 

Hopefully by then, I will be thinking more about the things I do like about him (which there are some).  That the traits that drive me nuts will somehow fade again.  But really, if I had a choice, I would be done.  For good.  I wouldn't harbor anger at him, and I'm sure I would be friendly if we accidentally crossed paths.  But he would not be an active part of my life.  Or my children's. 

Blood ties are strong.

The numbers are rising

For many types of cancer, doctors look at specific values in blood draws to gauge if the cancer is progressing, staying the same, or going into remission.  The blood draws and the hopes for "good" numbers each time is a nerve wracking process.

When my dad had his surgery for cancer, the markers they were looking for went to 0.  And stayed there 6 months.  Month 7 showed a slight rise.  A week later showed it wasn't a lab error.  6 weeks later, he passed away.  I know that most of the time the results aren't that quick and dramatic.  But I have lived through when they were for a family member.

When my MIL had her first surgery for cancer last spring, the marker that they were looking at for her did not particularly drop.  It was not that surprising.  She still had a type of cancer that had not yet been removed.  In July, what was initially told as a successful surgery to remove the other unrelated cancer turned on a dime as she was being released as the surgeon stated that the detailed pathology reports showed that she had another cancer, ovarian.  This was not picked up in the prior testing or even during the surgery.  Another surgery would be needed.  Not that surprisingly, the markers for cancer still did not go down.  They were continuing to slowly rise.  After the surgery in November, the numbers leveled off, but did not drop.  She put off starting chemo until late January.  The markers had started to rise again by that point.  With the initiation of chemo, the numbers started to hold steady.  Before round 4, they came down a little.  Then, before her most recent round (#5), they were showing to rise.  Not even hold steady, but rise.  Despite the chemo that was supposed to be eradicating the cancer.

My MIL did not ask if this event is going to cause the doctor to revise the course of action.  Or her prognosis as a whole.  Both Jet and I have a feeling it makes her prognosis worse, but don't want to completely verbalize it as when Jet has questioned her she has not asked her doctors about this and does not intent on it.

It is hard watching a parent (or anyone close) to go through cancer.  To me, it is even more maddening to have someone is so unclear about what her prognosis is, what test results mean, and what are the options.  Not to mention a realistic view or ideas or plans for the future.  Jet takes this aspect of it better than I do.  I want to know what the honest prognosis is, not some half details that only give a partial image of what is known by her doctors.  If she was choosing to not share what she knows with us, it would be easier for me.  But she doesn't know.  And is unwilling to ask to learn more (if the doctors want her to know something, they will tell her is her philosophy)

But these are her choices.  Jet will talk to her on the phone.  He will go up to help and visit when he is wanted.  When she wants or feels up to seeing the kids, all of us will do a road trip up.  We will pray.  We will help as she accepts or wants it.  And we pray.

Cross the line

As kids, there were many catch phrases.  One that keeps coming back to me is "Don't cross the line".  My brother that is 2.5 years younger than me (DB1), frequently heard this.  My dad was always saying how DB1 "always has to test where the line is".

I think DB1 has crossed a line with me.  Now I have thought he has crossed this line in the past, and maybe he has, but I have forgiven him and gone back to our old patterns.  Typically with some period of peace between when he crosses the line again.

This particular line is the time he spends with my siblings, my mom (and dad before he passed), and I.  Since he has been dating his now wife (I think it is around the 15 year mark), this has been an issue.  There was the birthday I choose to go to her favorite restaurant so she would join us, so DB1 would join us.  This might seem odd, but 4 days prior to my birthday, DB3 has his birthday.  DB1 told my family he didn't come to DB3's birthday because we were having food his then girlfriend (now wife) didn't like.  DB3 was upset.  He wanted to see DB1 (keeping in mind this was probably his 5th or 6th birthday... I don't care what DB3 choose, he was a little kid, come!  If you really don't like the food, don't eat.)  So for my birthday, I asked if we went to her favorite restaurant, if he (and she, because if she didn't come, he wouldn't) would come.  He said yes.  We waited for 1.5 hours at our house for them so we could go.  I finally called.  They changed their minds, they weren't coming.  I was ticked.  We had take out Chinese as no one felt like much at that point.  I didn't have much to do with him for the next 15 months, until my mother asked for her Christmas present from me to her that I start interacting with DB1 again.  I did. There have been a series of similar incidents.  There was also a period of a year that we got together at least weekly.  I thought we were past our extreme issues of that nature.  Then there was a major incident a couple of Christmas' ago.  And another series of smaller incidents.  Recently there have been other issues with DB1 and his wife.  I talked  here about some of my other issues with them.

At the beginning of April, I called and left a message asking about Easter plans.  No reply.  So I start to plan to have Easter dinner at my house.  Tuesday of Holy Week (I didn't talk to my mom on Monday as it was the day taxes are due, and she is a tax preparer) I come to find out DB1 is having Easter dinner at his house.  He has invited my mother, and asked her to invite DB2 (who lives locally) and DB3 and my sister (sis) if they are going to be here that day (although he only invited her the Sunday before Easter as she was trying to finish his taxes for him.  This year he did good, he didn't wait until the LAST day, just the day before the last day.  And as usual asked Mom for help.  That last week is crazy for her at work.  I would never ask her that week.)  DB3 and sis were not here.  Good Friday was not the best of days for me, and I left a snarky message on his answering machine (I had called on Wednesday asking him if he was coming, that message was neutral).  He called me at 8 pm on Holy Saturday telling me he wasn't going to come on Easter.  And that he didn't know how to reply to what day(s) would be good this summer to get together with our cousins and uncle who have not even got a chance to meet his son (although they were invited to the baby shower, but that is a different rant of how rude I find that).  He said that he doesn't have much planned, so he would come if he could.  I asked when he couldn't come, he replied that he didn't know, that I should just choose a date with my cousins.  But it is a good idea to get together, he hasn't seen them in years.  At that point I made some excuse to end the conversation.

I'm done.  I sent him an email saying that unless he makes some effort to be a part of my life and my kids lives, I'm done.  I have tried for years.  I hated that my mom and DB2 had to juggle coming to my house and his house.  (My mother is so ticked at him for mainly other reasons, but this didn't help her attitude towards him, she spent a good part of the day with my family.  Played with my kids until it was time for them to have their bath, then went to his house.  DB2 really wanted to see our nephew, so he came and saw my kids before their nap.)  This is not the first time this scenario has occurred.  As I was putting the kids to bed on Easter, I came to the conclusion, I will plan holiday family dinners.  If he has chosen to be active in my life, I will include DB1.  If not, I'm not.  If he happens to choose the same day (which most of the time he only asks a couple days in advance), I'll move my dinner.  Not for DB1 sake, but for the rest of my family.  I could have made the meal for Saturday, then Mom and DB2 could have done both.  Neither of them was comfortable with having to choose.  I don't blame them.  I don't want them to have to. 

Before when I have made decisions to be done with DB1, I have been upset with no sense of peace about my choice or my actions.  This time was different.  I calmly wrote my email and went to bed.  I would have tried to call, but it isn't really a message I want to leave on an answering machine.  I would stop by his house (he lives less than 6 miles away), but he wants me to call and make sure it is okay before I stop by.  But he never answers his phone.  So I don't go.  So I'm left with email.  I briefly wondered if I should wait 24 hours before I clicked send.  But then I clicked.  And I've been fine with it.  There has been a sense of peace about what I'm doing.  My actions feel like the right course.  I don't find myself second guessing if this is what I should do, or I really want to be doing.

He crossed the line.  And I'm done.

Continuing the unexpected

The question of accepting guardianship of our friends kids if anything should happen to both of them was surprising to me.  Really, Jet's reaction was as unexpected, at least in how quickly he made up his mind and how confident he sounded about it.  Or maybe more so it was I that was hesitating.

After a brief discussion of some of the logistics and why we are the choice, Jet simply said yes.  He had no problem with telling them yes, and if it were to happen to finish raising their kids.  He then asked what my view of it was.  When I told him my specific concerns, his response was short, simple, and to the point.  We would make it work.  Everyone would adjust.  It would be hard, but we could do it.  And should if the need arises.

So that is it.  A simple answer.  A promise that I hope I don't have to follow through on, but I will if I need to.

Completely unexpected

Early last week I received a phone call from a friend.  I'm not sure to categorize her as a "close" friend or not.  When I initially met her, I somewhat thought we would become close.  However, the more I've got to know her, the more I don't "get" some of her actions and decisions.  Her underlying beliefs and views on many subjects are close to mine, but her inconsistencies I just don't understand.  Or some of her methods for expressing her beliefs and views.  Maybe her idiosyncrasies are the best way to describe why I just don't feel that close.  I was recently thinking about friendships and how we naturally drift away from people, and she specifically came to mind, and I thought that in the next 5-10 years, I bet we will drift apart and she will no longer be in my life.

I need to back up a little bit.  This friend has 3 boys.  One will be 8 in August, one will be 6 next month, and the baby is 5 months old.  The older two have some medical issues.  These issues require a very controlled diet, that at times is difficult.  The kids are homeschooled and do not have a lot of interaction with other kids.  Being honest, when I have seen them in groups of other kids, for the most part they are significantly older and they seem to struggle of how to interact.  My friend has mentioned how she needs to start to work on this in the next year or two.  She has also mentioned the fact that her kids don't like playing with other kids for the most part because other kids are too rough and not well behaved.  However, they love playing with my kids because they are "nice".  Personally, I don't see my kids as super well behaved.  They definitely like rough housing, particularly Pyrope.  My kids aren't mean, but they aren't angels by any stretch of the imagination.  What my kids have more than other kids (in my opinion) is to initiate trying to bring others into the play.  If one or two children are hanging around the edges, watch what is happening, or not talking in the conversation, one of my kids will try to lead them into playing or ask them a question to bring them into the conversation.  They both do it well, especially Pyrope at this point (I think mainly because he is 2 years older and just has more skills in general at this point but also because of his very sweet nature).  For Pyrope, this is something that was taught.  For Obsidian, it is something that was innately part of him or he picked up from me teaching Pyrope.  So her kids ask to play with mine.  My kids have fun with hers, but they are not requested or come up in conversations.  My kids interact with a lot of different kids (and adults).  Hers don't.

Back to the phone call.  I immediately knew from her voice when she said her name, that this was not going to be a typical conversation.  I couldn't quite figure out her... mood or really where this was going to go.  She started with "I have a question for you."  Which is not that unusual for her to start a conversation with that phrase.  I was slightly apprehensive because I knew something was out of the ordinary but I was not getting a sense of what.  If it was a positive or a negative thing.  She then launched into how this question was something for me and Jet to talk about and pray about, if I agreed to ask Jet.  I was getting really curious at this point where this was going, because I truly did not have a clue.  She seemed to be having a hard time figuring out how to even ask me what I was supposed to considering asking Jet, for us to then think, talk, and pray about.  Then it came.

Would Jet and I take care of their children if something happened to both of them?

As she then launched into details about finances, life insurance, health insurance, and other significant details I was only barely able to listen.  This was not a question I was remotely expecting to be asked.  My mind was temporarily jammed.  I got the very basics of the financial aspects she was going through but I was not processing things so well at that point.  By the time she got around to why she and her husband decided to ask us, I had recovered well enough absorb what she was saying.  All of the thoughts that were rolling in my head for the rest of the day were overwhelming.  I thought of this blog.  A space for me to gather and distill my thoughts.  A place to try to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling without another's influence.  Those were among the top reasons I started it.  I kept coming back to the thought that I needed to digest and think about this before I even bring it up to Jet.

The chances of something happening to both of them are slim.  Very slim.  But it can and does happen.  I know the majority of parents, do not set up something specific in case of that event.  Jet and I have, we just recently changed ours (another post, or few posts).  When we first got married, we talked about how if anything happened to my parents, that I would have responsibility of my siblings that were under 18.  He said "Of course".  When my dad was diagnosed with his cancer, we knew that we would be moving back to the area where my parents lived to help with not just my parents but the raising of my siblings.  There was talk of me immediately returning, and Jet to follow later.  It was seriously considered (I stayed with Jet, until the need was too great for me to be back, but that happened 9 months later, and he joined me 3 months after that).  We have talked about if anything happened to his sister, how we would take responsibility for his nieces.  So the idea and the conversation is not completely foreign to us.  However I did not (and I'm guessing Jet as well) did not see the possibility of being asked that for a family that are new friends (under a year).  And in all honesty, not that close to us.  If it was family, the answer would be yes.  With no hesitation, and little thought.  We would make it work if we needed to.  Very close family friends, the same (the only two families that I would categorize as such, have others that would become their children's guardians).  This is different.  They are friends, but not that close.  There is hesitation.  And a lot of thought.  Lots and lots of thought.  And prayer.  And discussion.  With some more thought and prayer.

I do understand their reasoning for asking us.  For choosing us.  The reasons are both humbling and ego boosting.

The idea of potentially having a minimum of 5 sons with an age range of a little over 7 years is daunting.  The door is not completely shut for Jet and I having another child.  He doesn't want another, but nothing has been done to permanently prevent it from happening.  And I still feel that 3 children is my destiny.  Our friends openly say how they hope God blesses them with more.

The main reason Jet does not want more is the extra activity and chaos another person in the house would create.  The chaos of bringing at least 3 boys, 2 with medical issues (that the 3rd might have as well, but he has not been tested for yet), that have been up until that point raised in a different house, that would have some serious emotional issues at that point due to the circumstances of them become part of our household concerns me how Jet would react.  I think if he choose to accept that, he would make it.  The majority of the chaos would be on my plate.  My whole plate for a period of years would be simply raising our children and theirs.  My limited time for activities of my choosing would be virtually eliminated.  My plans for taking a photography class, cake decorating class, possibly a quilting or knitting class (or group), getting my MBA, or a specialization certification for my job would be on long term hold.  Blending their children into our different ways of discipline (and they are large and significant, we pretty much have the same rules and standards, but how we react to negative behaviors in particular is vastly different) would be my problem.  Finishing their kids education would become my problem.  Jet would help, but it would be my decisions, my choices for the most part.

As I think all of this through.  The basic thoughts that keep forming are

1. This would really not be something I would elect or choose to do
2. This would be very hard and drastically change the our family fabric
3. God told us to take care of the widows and orphans.  Not the widows and orphans that are related to us, but widows and orphans in general.  As an active Christian, I need to follow this command when called upon.
4. Their reasons for asking us over others they know are sound reasons.  From what I understand, I do see how our family would be the first choice.
5. I don't want to think about the amount of food I would go through in a day, much less a week for a certain number of years.
6. At the end of all conversations I have with God about this, I come to the same answer.  It would not be the easy thing to do, but it would be the right thing to do (morally).  Their kids and ours would adjust.  So would Jet and I.

Now to tell, discuss, and pray with Jet over the issue....

Merits of difficulty

I am a person who likes a challenge.  If I can not do something on the first try, or the fifth try, it doesn't stop me.  I don't mind hard work.  I like it.  I like a challenge.  Obsidian is very similar to me in that way.

Then there is Pyrope.  And Jet.  And the family culture that Jet grew up in.  If it is hard, they don't like it.  A significant amount of the time, they don't try or work to improve their abilities.  I remember giving my niece an "I Spy" book.  I was asked if I could return it and get a different book by my SIL (my niece didn't even realize what it was at that point) because "Those books are so hard, I can't do them.  I don't even want to try to help her."  Growing up, if something was hard, all it really meant was our parents expected, or rather demanded, we try harder to gain more skills in that area.

The first time I really did battle with Pyrope over his lack of trying for doing something that was difficult was riding his two wheeler last spring.  I had been aware that he did not like, and really actively avoided, trying to do anything that was difficult for him to do.  He was ready to learn how to ride a two wheeler.  He had the basic skills.  However, when I tried to teach him, he started crying and saying it was hard and that he just would ride his tricycle because it was easy.  He sat on the grass and refused to try.  I then took away his tricycle.  In protest, he would ride his bike 4-5 feet and then just stop pedaling and put his feet on the ground (he rarely fell, I could probably count the times he hit the ground when he was learning how to ride).  And then cry it was harder than a tricycle so he didn't want to try.  I would give him a specific distance he had to try, and if he was not trying, we would repeat that distance until he tried the whole time.  Within 3 days, he was riding his bike with only a push to start.  In a week, he was riding on his own.  Pyrope was over the top happy and proud of this.  Not to mention he loves to ride a bike.  You can do a lot more on a bike than you can on a tricycle.  During the first couple days of Pyrope and my battle, Jet was of the opinion to just let him ride the tricycle.  For me, it wasn't the skill itself, but the idea of just taking the easy way out.

Recently, Pyrope started to show a real interest, and has the basic prerequisite skills, to learning how to read.  So I started to use a program to teach him about a month ago.  This program is a fairly well researched and developed program that has 100 lessons that build on each other.  Theoretically, this program has long term positive effects on reading and academic performance.

It is going well, and it is going terribly.

It is going well in regards to Pyrope's progress.  He is learning a lot, the difference is very noticeable to those who are around him.  My mom  and Jet are the ones who seem to notice it the most.  I don't notice it as much as I am the one doing the teaching, so I see the progress in such small increments, it is hard to see how far he has come in the last month.  He is so excited about reading on his own.  It is now a routine occurrence to find him in a room by himself trying to read a book.  He never did that before.  He liked reading before, but never showed an interest in doing it for himself.  Even to get him to look at a book without you reading it was hard.  Now, he does it all of the time, all day long. 

It is going terribly in the sense that each time we get to the current difficult task he cries.  (Which the difficult task of even a week ago is now easy, but as one thing gets easy, the next step is added.  By the point the task is very easy it is dropped.)  When I say he cries, he would say he "cries and cries and cries", that is probably a more accurate description.  He starts with telling me it is hard so he doesn't want to do it.  Then he tries to tell me that I'm hurting his feelings so we should stop.  Then he goes back to crying.  Then he tells me he is mad at me and that I'm not his friend (my reply is no, I'm your mother).  I sit with him until he stops crying and tries.  And we practice until he completes the task.  At some point, usually a day or two into the new task, he has an "Ah ha!" moment.  Something clicks, and he "gets" the task.  The pride, joy, and excitement he has each time is amazing to watch.  The new skill is then shown to Daddy, Grandma, and whoever else captures his whimsy to tell in the next day or two. We might even get through a lesson or two with no tears.

Still, I know that if not in today's reading lesson, then tomorrow or the next day's, he will be crying and begging to not try, because it is "hard" and "hurts his feelings".  All I have are my words that not everything in life is easy, that we need to try to do hard things, that there are great benefits to learning how to read, how happy and proud he is when he learns something new, and ultimately, it is not his choice to quit.  He can choose to sit and cry about it, but he will be not playing and doing things he wants to do until he does his lesson for the day. 

Jet's view of this is interesting.  In the beginning, he was somewhat leery of this whole exercise.  Pyrope is not old enough that we are required to teach him this skill (or for him to be hopefully taught it in school).  Pyrope is not one to like a challenge.  On the other hand, even a few days into it, Jet saw the pride and joy that the new skills were giving Pyrope.  And an air of confidence that really has spilled over into other areas.  He is now of the philosophy I should continue with the lessons and that I should preserve with the lessons because in addition to teaching him reading skills, it is working on instilling the value and merits of trying to do something that is difficult.  But Jet says he could never teach Pyrope.  As it would be too hard.

Unexpected

Today I took Obsidian for a second opinion in with a different geneticist.  I did not particularly feel the need to do so, but this particular doctor had been brought up to me by 3 different people who do not know each other (a doctor, a friend, and a co-worker who happens to be a doctor).  So I figured, if each of these people brought it up, I should do it.  Just to cover the bases.

I liked her.  In many ways she is more friendly than the one we have, but he is nice enough.  And he is a preferred provided (and she is not).  She commented on how I had covered all of my bases appropriately, but at this point, it does not appear that there is "an answer".  Obsidian's chromosomal deletion might be the root of his issues, but it might not.  That to keep plodding along with eyes open to clues of what is the underlying cause, and to treat any of the specific symptoms that can be treated.  Essentially, continue on with what we are doing.

The unexpected came from doing the family tree.  Jet's mother was diagnosed in a span of 3 months, 3 types of unrelated cancer.  This is good in the sense it isn't mets in 2 places as well as an original site.  However, it is suggestive of a genetic basis.  Particularly with her sister (her only sibling) having a fairly advanced colon cancer diagnosed in her 50's.  Her suggestion was at least genetic counseling for my MIL to look at the risk of it being a genetic predisposition so there can be a recommendation if it is advisable for genetic testing.  Since 2 of my MIL's 3 cancers are female reproductive cancers, the implications are significantly more for my SIL and her two children (that are both girls).  I asked about Jet and our boys, she said that the chances for them are most likely not that affected even if it is genetic because Jet is male, and our kids are male.  But it could be.

Jet didn't have a lot to say after I brought this up.  He was thinking.  He did try to call his mother, but just got the answering machine (she doesn't go out much, but sits with her laundry as someone in the building keeps stealing laundry... this is a senior apartment complex.  Really, stealing laundry?)

So it was what I was expecting as far as Obsidian.  But I was caught unawares...

Bad, good, or neither

This morning, I went up to the rec center.  Alone.  I tried to talk with the aquatic director, but learned something interesting.  Something that gave me hope that there is a reasonable explanation instead of out right discrimination with the swimming lesson and Obsidian thing.  There is a new aquatics director.  However, she was not there today.  I explained to the woman at the front desk my issue.  Her comment was essentially, "That sounds like a problem"  Which I take as a positive comment.  I will see where this goes.  I left my name and phone number to be called back about.  And if I don't get a call, I'm there often enough, I will run into her.  That is my "good".  I really try to be optimistic, and really try to believe that people do not so blatantly discriminate.

I have been thinking about what I'm going to say to Obsidian when the questions start.  And knowing him, they will.  I have some time, as for the next 3 weeks he will be in gymnastics class at the same time and will not see the little girl in Pyrope's class.  But Pyrope's swimming class has 3 more sessions after Obsidian's gymnastics is over.  Obsidian does not miss much.  He knows he doesn't go to swimming lessons at the rec center because he is too young to take them there.  He wants to be in a class with Pyrope and other kids he knows.  Jet and I are very careful with our wording of "too small" and "too young".  And we have consistently said "too young" for swimming.  And knowing him, he will realize the other little girl is about his age.  (If something has a height requirement, we tell him he is "too small", if it is because he is not old enough, we say "too young"... once again we are somewhat anticipating him always being very small but we don't want that to stop him or for him to use it as an excuse).  I want to be honest with him.  I want to teach him to defend himself.  There is a good chance that his height will remain a lifelong issue for him.  But he is 2.5 years old.  This potentially will be the first time I will have to directly address this with him.  And I'm not looking forward to it.  I want to set a standard tone from the beginning.  A positive tone, but one that does not put up with discrimination.

The bad is my MIL.  She is feeling worse since her last round of chemo.  She is not beginning to feel any better, and it has been over a week.  Most bothering, she is short of breath quite a bit (even just talking on the phone) and seems to be retaining fluid.  She is thinking of stopping chemo at this point.  Very shortly after it has shown signs of improving.  It is a choice.  And only hers to make.  But it is hard to watch.  Most specifically, it is hard for me to watch Jet have to go through it.  I don't interact with my MIL much.  We (the kids and I) see her once a year now.  The kids talk to her on the phone occasionally, but she is almost more abstract to them than a person involved in their lives.  I find myself praying for peace and acceptance.  I have a feeling at this point, that is the most I can do (I'm willing to do more, I just don't think there is anything to be done).

But it is

My brother (DB1) who is closest in age (2.5 years younger than me), has always marched to his own drummer.  A black sheep of sorts in my family.  Not so much because we want him to be, but because he chooses to be.

He rarely returns phone calls, says he will show up and doesn't, and rarely joins us for family things unless it is a big formal event.  Most things he does are last minute.  He tells us he is coming at the last moment, he tells us of things he is planning at the last minute.  He has a 15 month old son.  I have seen him 8 times.  I have held him 3 times.  We live less than 8 miles apart.  My mom lives less than 3 miles away.  I don't think she has seen her grandson 2 dozen times.

My aunt recently made the comment "Well, at least it isn't personal."

Yes.  And no.

Yes, it isn't personal in the sense, I don't think it matters my exact personality.  He would do it no matter what it was.  No matter why my immediate family dynamics are.  I am family, and DB1, and to a greater extent his wife, have issues with his family.  At Christmas, his wife's mother said to my mother, that she doesn't want my mom to baby sit my nephew because she (SIL's mother) doesn't want him to like my mom more than herself.  DB1 was in the room, SIL was in the room.  No one said anything, other than listen to SIL mother go on and on about how much said little boy loves her.   My children love both of their grandmothers.  Both have their things that they do with my children.  Grandmotherhood is not a competition.  Kids will love both for what that person is to them.

On the other hand, no-- it is personal.  DB1 is my brother.  We did a lot growing up.  We did a lot as teens.  I would like to be a part of his life.  Or if he chooses to not, I would like less ambiguity about it.  My dad and I are the only ones who ever have confronted DB1 about his behavior.  And since Dad is no longer around, that leaves me.  Yes, I periodically do.  Then DB1 and SIL say I'm overreacting and that isn't want happens, I have conspiracy theories.  My mother, sister, and other two brothers watch in silence.  Not knowing what to do.  After each blow up, there is inevitably a larger family event, and I wind up just moving on.

How much longer I will do this I don't know.  This week, my kids had their closest friends over (a set of sisters).  While they were here, my mom came over.  As my mom was mobbed literally before she could close the door at my house with what games each wanted to play with her (and each wanted a different game), she made a pointed comment that she knows my kids' friends and they know her better than she knows her grandson (DB1's son).  She loves playing with my kids and their friends.  She was tickled pink when I called and told her the request of the day was to play with her, could she please come over?  In the past she has commented that she has baby sat my friend's kids (the same ones) more than her grandson (sometimes we try to do things with just the bigs or just the littles, and she will watch the opposite 2).  By a lot.  My sister piped in that she has baby sat these same kids more as well (and she only has watched them a couple of times, as she lives 2 hours away but if she is visiting and they need a sitter, she'll watch them).  My mom is good with kids.  She loves kids.  She particularly loves her kids and her grandsons.

So it is personal.  Very personal.

Things that personal, you can get flairs of my temper.  Each time before I see DB1 at this point, I remind myself to think before I speak.  I think about monitoring my feelings, my temper.  In particular, I don't want to do something I regret my kids seeing.  Or my nephew.  I don't want to further hurt my mother.  My mother never understood me, from the time I was very little.  She did understand DB1, they had a closeness that we didn't.  I didn't mind it, as it was not about love.  She loves both of us.  I would tell her things, and I would get a blank look of not being able to understand where I was coming from.  She didn't belittle this for me, we just didn't connect on that level.  To be honest, we still don't.  But with DB1, it was different.  They seemed to understand each other.  So this pushing aside is hard.  I never sought her out as a child or teenager, DB1 would.  Yet as an adult, I'm the one who randomly shows up at her house.  Is there to help when it is needed.  And has her as an active participant in my children's lives.  DB1 sees her a few times a year.  Typically only if he needs something or it is some major life event (not, "just because" as is the reason behind most of my kids visits and my trips to her house, or hers to mine).

I get bitter when I hear DB1 and SIL talk about watching her nephew (who is a year older than Pyrope) and his 2 half sisters (not related to SIL).  Listening to all of the things they do with them, or the sleepovers they have for all 3 of them, I get bitter why we can't meet at a park.  Or come to my house.  Or me go to theirs.

So it is personal that DB1 doesn't return our calls, or emails, or include us in his life.  I suppose I shouldn't let it hurt me, but it does.  And it hurts even more to hear the pain in my mom's comments.

A visitor

Two weeks ago, a perfectly healthy woman in her 50's was in a car accident.  The "only" injury was to her head.  Unfortunately, she has never regained consciousness.  She has not once responded to her name, the voices of loved ones, a touch, or painful stimulus.  A ventilator is breathing for her.  She is getting her nutrition through a tube.  As I was moving her joints and positioning her, I felt nothing.  Her vital signs did not change as I was moving her.  Her family is not ready to see her go.

As I was moving her, her daughter and a co-worker of hers came to her side.  Her daughter spoke to her, told her to open her eyes, told her to move, positioned her in bed, repositioned her in bed, asked for her nurse, asked about her care, asked for her co-worker to talk to her mother.  I could feel the pain of the daughter.  How much she wants her mom to get better.  I've felt it before from other family members, for other patients.  It makes me want to cry.  Not for the patient, but for the family that is here on earth.

Today was different in a sense.  It was the co-worker.  A co-worker that cared enough that she was visiting her in ICU.  And it was obviously not her first visit.  That alone would be enough.  The act of visiting.

But there was more.  The words that were spoken.  There were no words of wishes that she would get better.  Or commands to move that would not be responded to.  But simple observations of what was happening that the patient would have reacted to.  Things at work.  Happenings of friends and family.  Life.

When the daughter would ask "Did you see that?", then look at the co-worker and I.  I would respond with a simple "no", wishing I could answer yes but I never saw anything.  It would have been easier for the co-worker to say "yes" or "I wasn't looking" or any other number of lines that I have heard others give when questioned if they saw a perceived active movement.   But the co-worker each time responded "no".  The truth is hard to speak. 

Even above this, was the visitor's touch.  She touched this woman with a kindness, a tenderness.  A patience and well practiced hand that had obviously care for others.  There was no hesitation or fear in her touch.  A simple act of love and peace.  So many times, touching someone in a similar condition is met with fear, a fear that you can feel in the air.  That you can see with the hesitation in the moments, the uncoordination with the touch. 

It was a quite peace that surrounded the visitor. 

I wanted to thank her for visiting.  For the patient.  For being with the daughter.  For her kindness and love.  For her quiet honesty, peace, and strength.

Yet, I couldn't.  As it was time for me to move on.  And she was in the middle of a conversation with her daughter.  A conversation that didn't seem right to interrupt.  And I didn't know what I really wanted to say other than thank you. 

Thank you.

Thankful Thursday

• Turbo Tax.  It makes doing taxes so much easier.  (Yes, I know there are free online ways of doing it, but I'm a creature of habit for some things)
• The majority of this round of Obsidian's doctors appointments are done.  One last second opinion, and then it won't start again until this summer.
• Obsidian's had an easy adjustment to GH injections.  He whimpers while it is happening, but it doesn't start before and as soon as the needle is out, he is zipping his jammies up and running off.
• How pretty the world is after an ice storm.  It is the only redeeming quality.  Sometimes it is so beautiful it almost makes the storm worth it.  Almost.
• In 1-2 weeks, recycling should get easier.  Our city will now take cardboard, I won't have to sort the types of recyclables, and I can just toss them in a big bin instead of putting them in clear blue bags.
• The perks of both Jet and I having a common employer (one of them). And sometimes being in the same building, but different employers on the days we are in the same building.  How is that for confusing?  If we are working on the same day in the same building, we are working for different employers, but we do both work for the same employer (but then each have a different job that is for different employers)
• Jet and I both having some level of flexibility in our jobs that one of us can come in later than the other or leave earlier to match the schedule of the kids, and we can even change what we are doing part way through the day.
• That we had a breath of spring.  It was refreshing while it briefly lasted.

Thankful Thursday

• We got a small taste of spring this week.  Last week, the high was around 15 F if it was a warm day.  Yesterday it was 51 F.
• The school psychologist who comes to Pyrope's class a couple times a month said he had a really good day when she saw him this week.
• Wii fitness games.  Getting to the rec center as much as I need to doesn't happen.  I get bored with DVDs.  I will do Wii fitness games (I have a couple of different ones), the competitive nature helps me along (even if it is just against myself).
• That I'm pretty much a person that can roll with the punches.  It takes quite a bit to really get me frazzled.  This was particularly useful this week at work
• Finding a couple of books that I have really enjoyed.  It makes me want a No.ok or Kin.dle or something.  Our library still doesn't have a huge selection of eBooks, and I really am not a "buy books" kind of person, definitely a library gal.
• Copies medical records of Obsidian's made it from where they are to where they needed to go.  One on the first try, one on just the second (which is really amazing that that particular one only took 2 requests)
• That beef slow cooked with dill pickles really does come out good (I discarded the pickles, cut up the roast, put barbecue sauce on it, stuck it back in the cooker, then it made some mean sandwiches).  Particularly grateful it turned out well because I did it for the first time on a night we had guests over for dinner (I figure, there is always pizza if it was a colossal fail, but everyone liked it)
• Spell check.  I'm a horrible speller, and if I didn't have it, my writing would not be nearly what it is.  First off I would purposely use smaller words versus the ones I really want to use.  Second, I would still have lots of spelling mistakes.

Wishing

 In May 2009, I flew to southern Florida by myself with the boys.  I rented a car (which turned into being a minivan), and took my kids to see my dad's best friend from childhood and his wife (who is my godmother).  Jet joined us later on when we drove up to see his family.  These are not people I know well, mainly because we live over 1,000 miles away.  My dad's best friend had cancer.  I wanted for him and my godmother to have a chance to see my boys, or rather my dad's grandsons.

In the two days we visited, most of their grandchildren came over, 5 of their grandsons to be specific.  Some of them are older (tweens and early teens) and two were exactly my boys age.  At one point, the adults were sitting on the deck, and all of the kids were playing in the pool.  They were having a grand time.  I missed my dad sharply at that point, as I know how much it would have meant to him to see it.  And I silently raged that they didn't have the health to be in the pool with the boys, for at least part of the time.  Even at that point, my dad's best friend didn't have the energy to do much, and what he did was spent interacting and doing what he could with the grandchildren.  Much as my dad's decline was spent.  I was also grateful that I decided to make the trip.  It was needed.  My godmother asked me in quiet moments how my mom was adjusting to be a widow.  There was more to than concern for my mom.  Almost trying to glean a glimpse into her future.

On Saturday, he passed away.  I didn't find out until late Sunday night.  It deeply saddened me.  Much more so than some else that I causally know would cause.  He passed away at home quietly and peacefully, surrounded by his family.  Very similar to how my dad passed.

I had been thinking of going back, for another visit.  Initially I thought I was too late.  But maybe I'm not really.  As my godmother and I and the other adults that would be around would be able to remember, and watch.

College Chauffeur

This past Saturday, I picked up my youngest brother from college and drove him home so he could go to my nephew's 1st birthday/our other brother's 30th birthday party (which incidentally he didn't make it to because he was busy digging our other brother out of a snow drift).  On Sunday, I returned him to his dorm.  It is more or less an hour an a half trip each direction.  Saturday was significantly longer due to crappy driving conditions thanks to a snow storm that just happened (as in it was supposed to be a clear sunny day, um no, I couldn't see the road for a while, I was just driving in the tracks of people who went before me, praying that whoever was in front of me had their headlights on because there was no way I was going to see them if they didn't).  It made for a bit of a crazy weekend because I worked a half day as well both Saturday and Sunday.  And went to said birthday party after work on Saturday.  And was invited, but just sent my men folk, to a Super Bowl party on Sunday.  But I didn't mind.  For the most part, I don't mind being the college chauffeur.  The exception is if I have one of my boys with me and they are not in the mood to travel.  This weekend, my mom or Jet watched the boys as I drove.  I was chauffeur for my sister as well until she got her own car.  My mom doesn't like driving, particularly highway driving.  And if she is alone in the car, even more so.  My dad passed away 2 months before my sister went to college.  He was my college chauffeur. 

There are several reasons I don't mind.  First being, I don't mind having the time to think.  Sometimes I'll listen to a book, sometimes to NPR, sometimes to music, but often times I don't listen to anything at all.  I like the quiet.  Then there is the leg of each trip I have my sibling with me.  Sometimes they sleep.  Sometimes we listen to music of their choosing (I'd much rather listen to my sister's than my brother's music).  And sometimes they talk.  And talk.  And talk.  I find out more about their life while I'm driving than at just about any other time.  For the first time on Sunday, I got to thinking about my dad, and what he felt about driving.  I never asked what he thought about it.  But as I thought about what I did on those trips with just the two of us, it was much the same.  Sometimes there was my music, sometimes I slept, and sometimes I talked to him in far more detail and substance than I typically did during that period of my life.  I'm suspicious that he too might not have minded those trips to pick me up.  At the time, I thought he did it more because my mom was so vocal about how she hated and didn't want to do the trips.  I wonder if my sister and brother will ever realize that I didn't and don't mind the trips.  That in someways I even relish them.  I have said that I don't mind driving them, that I look forward to the time I have in peace.  I left out how I look forward to the times they choose to talk, as I think that would have made my 18 year old brother not talk.  Or at least it sure would have made me if my dad had told me that.  I imagine, and hope, with time, they will realize that I truly do not mind.  That I'm not "just saying that", because at this point, I think that is what they feel.  Understandably, as my mother still is adamant and vocal about how much she hates doing it, and how hard it is for whoever (read me) that does it (I think my other brother gave 1 or 2 rides, my mother maybe 3 times).

Love isn't always said with didactic words.  Or shown with hugs or kisses.  But with rides, and listening to other's music, in being silent, and with listening.

Thankful Thursday

• Obsidian is not having that terrible of a time adjusting to daily shots.  He cries, tells me no, and tries to get away when he sees me with it, but as soon as it is done, he resumes whatever he was doing as if nothing happened.
• That the process from when it was decided Obsidian would start GHT to when it first started was short (16 days)
• Obsidian seems to have more energy since starting GHT.  He has a black eye to prove it.
• Playaway books from the library.  You just plug in your headphones and start the book.  The device is thicker but short than an iP0d Nano.
• Tween boy family members that love playing with my boys
• Rich hot chocolate laced with Baily's Irish Creme
• Slow cookers and the fact if you throw all of the ingredients of stuffed green peppers in it (including rice that is uncooked and the proper amount of water), that it comes out tasting the same (but just not as visually appealing) with a fraction of the work
• Pyrope's advances he has made in speech as well as some of the concepts he has really started to "get" recently
• The "forced" date nights Jet and I have, we buy season tickets for a series of plays.  Then we "have" to go.  Most are good.  A few are excellent.  Twice we have left at intermission.  Once we didn't make it to intermission.  Not bad for this being our 5th season.  So far this year, we haven't even left at intermission.
• The number of sitters we can call on when we do go on date night
• How healthy my kids are.  They get normal colds and virus', but knock on wood, are really very healthy and don't need any interventions apart from home remedies.

Thankful Thursday

• Obsidian's MRI is done and that all is "normal"
• That things are moving fairly quickly forward on the medical issues with Obsidian, by early next week, he will have started on growth hormone
• For at least the next year, Obsidian's growth hormone therapy shouldn't cost us anything out of pocket after we reach our deductible (which I think we already have)
• How much my kids love my mom, and how much my mom loves my kids
• J&J Soothing Vapors Bath and cool mist humidifiers
• The big leaps Pyrope has recently been making in speech and some concepts
• Co-workers that pick up my slack on the days I really need it
• Friends who listen to my worries and not minimize them
• Finding out Rick Riordan's new book is going to be released May 3rd, I've pre-order it already