Grief

I've been/am in a foul mood today.  My temper is short (which can be a chronic problem of mine).  After overreacting an embarrassing number of times to something one of my boys did, I'm sitting and thinking to why I keep doing this.  I had a short fuse as a child, but for the most part I can control it.  Typically it is if I'm under stress of some sort that I can't.  Obsidian is napping, and Pyrope is as well (which is very unusual, and come 10 tonight I'll be regretting it, he is snuggling next to me on the couch so I doubt the real sleep will be long).

During ice skating lessons for Pyrope, Obsidian asked to wear skates and try.  I've been encouraging this.  He didn't have the strength or balance to stand up on the skates without help, but he enjoyed himself for 20 minutes and was trying with me helping.  I got home and there was a message on my answering machine to place the order for the growth hormone that Obsidian will be starting.  Listening to the message on the answering machine, I couldn't figure out the phone number to call.  Part of it was the lady was just talking fast, the other part I know was my dyslexia (which once again only really significantly affects me at this point if I'm really stressed).  After trying at least a dozen times, I decide to just put Obsidian down for his nap, then call the general mail order pharmacy line (which it is a specialty item, so there is a different number, but I knew that eventually I would be connected to the right spot if I called the general line).  23 minutes later, the medication was ordered, it will ship today and be here sometime tomorrow, council by the pharmacist (which was mainly going over all of the possible side effects, some of which are scary, particularly with someone's Obsidian's age because he can't communicate as well as an older child or adult), and called a second program so the referral for the nurse to come out to our house to train us (mainly me) on how to administer it.

I really hope that this helps with Obsidian's growth issues and helps with his gross motor delays as well.  I'm scared that they won't.  I'm scared that he will have one of the serious side effects.  I'm scared that this won't help.  I'm scared that some of the other signs that Obsidian shows that are not typically associated with GHD really should be cluing in to the doctors that this is not the problem.  I'm dreading Obsidian's reaction to having a shot every day.  He will get over it, so this is pretty far down on my list of worries.  I'm sad that even if growth hormone therapy works, it is really a patch more than anything else.  It is not "fixing" anything, just replacing something on the outside.  I'm sad that if it works, there is a very good chance Obsidian will have to do this every day for the rest of his life (if not for the rest of his life, at least through his teenage years). 

The biggest thing is that underlying all of this is that I'm sad, a level of grief, that my child does not appear to be dealt one of the better hands health wise.  It could be far far far worse, but it is still not what I had dreamed and prayed and hoped for him. 

I know that after this period of grief, there will be some level of acceptance.  If I work towards it.  Most of my fears will abate.  Obsidian will be used to the shots.  My fears of side effects will fade.  We will know if it is working or not.  This will not "pass", but it won't feel as sharp as it does today.