I need to back up a little bit. This friend has 3 boys. One will be 8 in August, one will be 6 next month, and the baby is 5 months old. The older two have some medical issues. These issues require a very controlled diet, that at times is difficult. The kids are homeschooled and do not have a lot of interaction with other kids. Being honest, when I have seen them in groups of other kids, for the most part they are significantly older and they seem to struggle of how to interact. My friend has mentioned how she needs to start to work on this in the next year or two. She has also mentioned the fact that her kids don't like playing with other kids for the most part because other kids are too rough and not well behaved. However, they love playing with my kids because they are "nice". Personally, I don't see my kids as super well behaved. They definitely like rough housing, particularly Pyrope. My kids aren't mean, but they aren't angels by any stretch of the imagination. What my kids have more than other kids (in my opinion) is to initiate trying to bring others into the play. If one or two children are hanging around the edges, watch what is happening, or not talking in the conversation, one of my kids will try to lead them into playing or ask them a question to bring them into the conversation. They both do it well, especially Pyrope at this point (I think mainly because he is 2 years older and just has more skills in general at this point but also because of his very sweet nature). For Pyrope, this is something that was taught. For Obsidian, it is something that was innately part of him or he picked up from me teaching Pyrope. So her kids ask to play with mine. My kids have fun with hers, but they are not requested or come up in conversations. My kids interact with a lot of different kids (and adults). Hers don't.
Back to the phone call. I immediately knew from her voice when she said her name, that this was not going to be a typical conversation. I couldn't quite figure out her... mood or really where this was going to go. She started with "I have a question for you." Which is not that unusual for her to start a conversation with that phrase. I was slightly apprehensive because I knew something was out of the ordinary but I was not getting a sense of what. If it was a positive or a negative thing. She then launched into how this question was something for me and Jet to talk about and pray about, if I agreed to ask Jet. I was getting really curious at this point where this was going, because I truly did not have a clue. She seemed to be having a hard time figuring out how to even ask me what I was supposed to considering asking Jet, for us to then think, talk, and pray about. Then it came.
Would Jet and I take care of their children if something happened to both of them?
As she then launched into details about finances, life insurance, health insurance, and other significant details I was only barely able to listen. This was not a question I was remotely expecting to be asked. My mind was temporarily jammed. I got the very basics of the financial aspects she was going through but I was not processing things so well at that point. By the time she got around to why she and her husband decided to ask us, I had recovered well enough absorb what she was saying. All of the thoughts that were rolling in my head for the rest of the day were overwhelming. I thought of this blog. A space for me to gather and distill my thoughts. A place to try to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling without another's influence. Those were among the top reasons I started it. I kept coming back to the thought that I needed to digest and think about this before I even bring it up to Jet.
The chances of something happening to both of them are slim. Very slim. But it can and does happen. I know the majority of parents, do not set up something specific in case of that event. Jet and I have, we just recently changed ours (another post, or few posts). When we first got married, we talked about how if anything happened to my parents, that I would have responsibility of my siblings that were under 18. He said "Of course". When my dad was diagnosed with his cancer, we knew that we would be moving back to the area where my parents lived to help with not just my parents but the raising of my siblings. There was talk of me immediately returning, and Jet to follow later. It was seriously considered (I stayed with Jet, until the need was too great for me to be back, but that happened 9 months later, and he joined me 3 months after that). We have talked about if anything happened to his sister, how we would take responsibility for his nieces. So the idea and the conversation is not completely foreign to us. However I did not (and I'm guessing Jet as well) did not see the possibility of being asked that for a family that are new friends (under a year). And in all honesty, not that close to us. If it was family, the answer would be yes. With no hesitation, and little thought. We would make it work if we needed to. Very close family friends, the same (the only two families that I would categorize as such, have others that would become their children's guardians). This is different. They are friends, but not that close. There is hesitation. And a lot of thought. Lots and lots of thought. And prayer. And discussion. With some more thought and prayer.
I do understand their reasoning for asking us. For choosing us. The reasons are both humbling and ego boosting.
The idea of potentially having a minimum of 5 sons with an age range of a little over 7 years is daunting. The door is not completely shut for Jet and I having another child. He doesn't want another, but nothing has been done to permanently prevent it from happening. And I still feel that 3 children is my destiny. Our friends openly say how they hope God blesses them with more.
The main reason Jet does not want more is the extra activity and chaos another person in the house would create. The chaos of bringing at least 3 boys, 2 with medical issues (that the 3rd might have as well, but he has not been tested for yet), that have been up until that point raised in a different house, that would have some serious emotional issues at that point due to the circumstances of them become part of our household concerns me how Jet would react. I think if he choose to accept that, he would make it. The majority of the chaos would be on my plate. My whole plate for a period of years would be simply raising our children and theirs. My limited time for activities of my choosing would be virtually eliminated. My plans for taking a photography class, cake decorating class, possibly a quilting or knitting class (or group), getting my MBA, or a specialization certification for my job would be on long term hold. Blending their children into our different ways of discipline (and they are large and significant, we pretty much have the same rules and standards, but how we react to negative behaviors in particular is vastly different) would be my problem. Finishing their kids education would become my problem. Jet would help, but it would be my decisions, my choices for the most part.
As I think all of this through. The basic thoughts that keep forming are
- This would really not be something I would elect or choose to do
- This would be very hard and drastically change the our family fabric
- God told us to take care of the widows and orphans. Not the widows and orphans that are related to us, but widows and orphans in general. As an active Christian, I need to follow this command when called upon.
- Their reasons for asking us over others they know are sound reasons. From what I understand, I do see how our family would be the first choice.
- I don't want to think about the amount of food I would go through in a day, much less a week for a certain number of years.
- At the end of all conversations I have with God about this, I come to the same answer. It would not be the easy thing to do, but it would be the right thing to do (morally). Their kids and ours would adjust. So would Jet and I.
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