As kids, there were many catch phrases. One that keeps coming back to me is "Don't cross the line". My brother that is 2.5 years younger than me (DB1), frequently heard this. My dad was always saying how DB1 "always has to test where the line is".
I think DB1 has crossed a line with me. Now I have thought he has crossed this line in the past, and maybe he has, but I have forgiven him and gone back to our old patterns. Typically with some period of peace between when he crosses the line again.
This particular line is the time he spends with my siblings, my mom (and dad before he passed), and I. Since he has been dating his now wife (I think it is around the 15 year mark), this has been an issue. There was the birthday I choose to go to her favorite restaurant so she would join us, so DB1 would join us. This might seem odd, but 4 days prior to my birthday, DB3 has his birthday. DB1 told my family he didn't come to DB3's birthday because we were having food his then girlfriend (now wife) didn't like. DB3 was upset. He wanted to see DB1 (keeping in mind this was probably his 5th or 6th birthday... I don't care what DB3 choose, he was a little kid, come! If you really don't like the food, don't eat.) So for my birthday, I asked if we went to her favorite restaurant, if he (and she, because if she didn't come, he wouldn't) would come. He said yes. We waited for 1.5 hours at our house for them so we could go. I finally called. They changed their minds, they weren't coming. I was ticked. We had take out Chinese as no one felt like much at that point. I didn't have much to do with him for the next 15 months, until my mother asked for her Christmas present from me to her that I start interacting with DB1 again. I did. There have been a series of similar incidents. There was also a period of a year that we got together at least weekly. I thought we were past our extreme issues of that nature. Then there was a major incident a couple of Christmas' ago. And another series of smaller incidents. Recently there have been other issues with DB1 and his wife. I talked here about some of my other issues with them.
At the beginning of April, I called and left a message asking about Easter plans. No reply. So I start to plan to have Easter dinner at my house. Tuesday of Holy Week (I didn't talk to my mom on Monday as it was the day taxes are due, and she is a tax preparer) I come to find out DB1 is having Easter dinner at his house. He has invited my mother, and asked her to invite DB2 (who lives locally) and DB3 and my sister (sis) if they are going to be here that day (although he only invited her the Sunday before Easter as she was trying to finish his taxes for him. This year he did good, he didn't wait until the LAST day, just the day before the last day. And as usual asked Mom for help. That last week is crazy for her at work. I would never ask her that week.) DB3 and sis were not here. Good Friday was not the best of days for me, and I left a snarky message on his answering machine (I had called on Wednesday asking him if he was coming, that message was neutral). He called me at 8 pm on Holy Saturday telling me he wasn't going to come on Easter. And that he didn't know how to reply to what day(s) would be good this summer to get together with our cousins and uncle who have not even got a chance to meet his son (although they were invited to the baby shower, but that is a different rant of how rude I find that). He said that he doesn't have much planned, so he would come if he could. I asked when he couldn't come, he replied that he didn't know, that I should just choose a date with my cousins. But it is a good idea to get together, he hasn't seen them in years. At that point I made some excuse to end the conversation.
I'm done. I sent him an email saying that unless he makes some effort to be a part of my life and my kids lives, I'm done. I have tried for years. I hated that my mom and DB2 had to juggle coming to my house and his house. (My mother is so ticked at him for mainly other reasons, but this didn't help her attitude towards him, she spent a good part of the day with my family. Played with my kids until it was time for them to have their bath, then went to his house. DB2 really wanted to see our nephew, so he came and saw my kids before their nap.) This is not the first time this scenario has occurred. As I was putting the kids to bed on Easter, I came to the conclusion, I will plan holiday family dinners. If he has chosen to be active in my life, I will include DB1. If not, I'm not. If he happens to choose the same day (which most of the time he only asks a couple days in advance), I'll move my dinner. Not for DB1 sake, but for the rest of my family. I could have made the meal for Saturday, then Mom and DB2 could have done both. Neither of them was comfortable with having to choose. I don't blame them. I don't want them to have to.
Before when I have made decisions to be done with DB1, I have been upset with no sense of peace about my choice or my actions. This time was different. I calmly wrote my email and went to bed. I would have tried to call, but it isn't really a message I want to leave on an answering machine. I would stop by his house (he lives less than 6 miles away), but he wants me to call and make sure it is okay before I stop by. But he never answers his phone. So I don't go. So I'm left with email. I briefly wondered if I should wait 24 hours before I clicked send. But then I clicked. And I've been fine with it. There has been a sense of peace about what I'm doing. My actions feel like the right course. I don't find myself second guessing if this is what I should do, or I really want to be doing.
He crossed the line. And I'm done.
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