My brother (DB1) who is closest in age (2.5 years younger than me), has always marched to his own drummer. A black sheep of sorts in my family. Not so much because we want him to be, but because he chooses to be.
He rarely returns phone calls, says he will show up and doesn't, and rarely joins us for family things unless it is a big formal event. Most things he does are last minute. He tells us he is coming at the last moment, he tells us of things he is planning at the last minute. He has a 15 month old son. I have seen him 8 times. I have held him 3 times. We live less than 8 miles apart. My mom lives less than 3 miles away. I don't think she has seen her grandson 2 dozen times.
My aunt recently made the comment "Well, at least it isn't personal."
Yes. And no.
Yes, it isn't personal in the sense, I don't think it matters my exact personality. He would do it no matter what it was. No matter why my immediate family dynamics are. I am family, and DB1, and to a greater extent his wife, have issues with his family. At Christmas, his wife's mother said to my mother, that she doesn't want my mom to baby sit my nephew because she (SIL's mother) doesn't want him to like my mom more than herself. DB1 was in the room, SIL was in the room. No one said anything, other than listen to SIL mother go on and on about how much said little boy loves her. My children love both of their grandmothers. Both have their things that they do with my children. Grandmotherhood is not a competition. Kids will love both for what that person is to them.
On the other hand, no-- it is personal. DB1 is my brother. We did a lot growing up. We did a lot as teens. I would like to be a part of his life. Or if he chooses to not, I would like less ambiguity about it. My dad and I are the only ones who ever have confronted DB1 about his behavior. And since Dad is no longer around, that leaves me. Yes, I periodically do. Then DB1 and SIL say I'm overreacting and that isn't want happens, I have conspiracy theories. My mother, sister, and other two brothers watch in silence. Not knowing what to do. After each blow up, there is inevitably a larger family event, and I wind up just moving on.
How much longer I will do this I don't know. This week, my kids had their closest friends over (a set of sisters). While they were here, my mom came over. As my mom was mobbed literally before she could close the door at my house with what games each wanted to play with her (and each wanted a different game), she made a pointed comment that she knows my kids' friends and they know her better than she knows her grandson (DB1's son). She loves playing with my kids and their friends. She was tickled pink when I called and told her the request of the day was to play with her, could she please come over? In the past she has commented that she has baby sat my friend's kids (the same ones) more than her grandson (sometimes we try to do things with just the bigs or just the littles, and she will watch the opposite 2). By a lot. My sister piped in that she has baby sat these same kids more as well (and she only has watched them a couple of times, as she lives 2 hours away but if she is visiting and they need a sitter, she'll watch them). My mom is good with kids. She loves kids. She particularly loves her kids and her grandsons.
So it is personal. Very personal.
Things that personal, you can get flairs of my temper. Each time before I see DB1 at this point, I remind myself to think before I speak. I think about monitoring my feelings, my temper. In particular, I don't want to do something I regret my kids seeing. Or my nephew. I don't want to further hurt my mother. My mother never understood me, from the time I was very little. She did understand DB1, they had a closeness that we didn't. I didn't mind it, as it was not about love. She loves both of us. I would tell her things, and I would get a blank look of not being able to understand where I was coming from. She didn't belittle this for me, we just didn't connect on that level. To be honest, we still don't. But with DB1, it was different. They seemed to understand each other. So this pushing aside is hard. I never sought her out as a child or teenager, DB1 would. Yet as an adult, I'm the one who randomly shows up at her house. Is there to help when it is needed. And has her as an active participant in my children's lives. DB1 sees her a few times a year. Typically only if he needs something or it is some major life event (not, "just because" as is the reason behind most of my kids visits and my trips to her house, or hers to mine).
I get bitter when I hear DB1 and SIL talk about watching her nephew (who is a year older than Pyrope) and his 2 half sisters (not related to SIL). Listening to all of the things they do with them, or the sleepovers they have for all 3 of them, I get bitter why we can't meet at a park. Or come to my house. Or me go to theirs.
So it is personal that DB1 doesn't return our calls, or emails, or include us in his life. I suppose I shouldn't let it hurt me, but it does. And it hurts even more to hear the pain in my mom's comments.
No comments:
Post a Comment